Day 92. I'm very grateful to all the post-ers and good wishes. It helped me get through days 90 and 91 so that I'd have a little perspective for asking the next question:
WHY.
Sure, I know what I've accomplished in these 90 days. (And in the 69 before them. About 160 clean days, minus 1.) Not just avoiding all 'that' stuff, but really addressing some truly tough emotional baggage behind it. And I'm proud of my gumption for not shying away from the tough stuff.
But what I did, and how I did it, isn't really on my mind right now. It's WHY.
I've been pushing off the Yetser each day, telling him I'm busy and come back later. That I'm in the midst of working toward 90. So he was crouching at the door for day 91. And now he says, "let's go party!" And I say, no. And he says, WHY?
And I need to remember WHY. Hmmnn.
Had I felt like a hypocrite? Not really; I actually felt sorta victorious in cobbling together a workable life from a mess (!) of incompatible parts. Sorta like an "Rh baby" getting constant transfusions, perhaps.
Had I hit "bottom?" Not really; my marriage was intact, with my wife knowing everything; my Rav knew; no arrests; no STDs; I grew in Yiddishkeit daily although still a few shy of 613.
Had I hated my life? Not really: wife, kids, pay the bills, warm house & home.
So, WHY was I doing this? Because Rav Arush wrote that the p**n had to go for a marriage to work? Because I wasn't sure if the call to purity was a gift of G-d who'd help me succeed or a cruel trick of the Y'H who'd bring me to destruction?
Well, here I am. The Y'H's at the door. "Why won't you come out and party?"
And I know I've got some answers up here somewhere. But I forgot to pull them out and polish them up before he came by with the question.
Help, anyone??!
