Okay, guys, "honesty." Ich hob noch a vidui (another confession to make).
I keep thinking about all the 'fun' I could have on Day 91. (Is this statement clear?)
So it's not about acting out today, it's about making plans for Sunday.

As if I'll want anything to do with acting out by Sunday.

But these thoughts seem like a way to tell the Y'H -- "fine! love to see you! come on in! but, er first, you'll have to wait until Sunday! Go away and come back then [haha]."

I hope my thoughts aren't anything more than a Yetzer repellent. (But the buzzing in my pants tells me I'd better be ever-vigilent!)

Any chizuk for me?

Day 86.

Briut, It's nice watching you close in on the addiction and reading your posts is always a big inspiration. Don't doubt yourself, man. You're doing alright! Awesome, actually!

I'll catch you in the private parts...

Nevermore wrote on 02 Jun 2010 00:29:

Thanks, Raven-er. You cheered me up on a day when I've had some serious, er, distractions.
And as to that other crack, about private parts, I think I actually know what The Raven Knows about it. Kewl.

Wow.
What I'm really saying goodbye to... isn't really the lust.

It's the vessel that has been holding the lust all these years.

The one separating lust from love.
Keeping my marital life and my private fantasies from crashing into each other.
Protecting my 98% kedusha from being infected by my 2% shmutz quotient.
Carefully balancing all the little compartmentalized boxes that make up "me."

And it's taken me years to construct that vessel and keep it functioning.
And I've done so, successfully, for so many years.
I'm almost even proud of my handiwork.

But it might be time for what the Brits call a redundancy. To send it packing.
And I think I'm gonna miss it. Maybe for a long, long time.

... Okay, kid, too dark and somber. Get out of it. Stop posting and go make yourself a yummy snack. Just, nothing to stimulate any acting out fantasy: it's already Day 87. You're on-track.

Briut, I've been reading your thread.  I'm learning so much and feeling so much from what you post and from what others have posted to you.  You found me on day one and welcomed me, and I wasn't alone.  I never believed anybody could really understand, let alone be there with me.  I just want to let you know how important your doing what you did was for me. 

It broke the vessel that kept me from you and from Him.  I couldn't deny the tears.  You promised there were tons of guys that understood and who would be there as brothers.  You told the truth, and again, thanks.

I want you to know because it took YOU, your intentionality and what you DID, unselfishly, to break that vessel for me.  Hashem gave us a dance to do, I think.  It probably looked like one thing to you and another to me.  But I'm here, talking to you, with a lotta love going on inside, and that sure feels a lot better than the emptiness I'm used to at this hour of the night.

You've been at this a long time.  I'm totally newbie.  I remember the early days of T'shuvah.  I was so innocent and dewy eyed.  Then the avodah started.  So I'm probably that naive newbie here, too.  But in just the few days (6 days, Bruit.  I count them.  Yes, each one is like the Rebbe's diamonds) I've been here, you, Dov, a bunch of other guys all tell me, "easy does it", Let Hashem do the heavy lifting.  I hope your packing goes smoothly, and the move is an easy one.

How was the yummy?

Day 87!  What right do I have to be proud of you?  But I am.  Go figure.  I'm looking to tomorrow, Be"H, day seven.  Thanks for being an example and an inspiration

1daat: Your note left me breathless. Whether it was just the sound of my overactive ego inflating, or the vision of our mutual obligations to support each other in the work, or the feeling of gratitude I share with you for all the heilige folks here who share their time and soul and everything, well, anyhow, thanks.

I just got finished with a spontaneous note on another thread, and I wanna paste part of it here so I don't lose it when I review my own work going on. I had been thinking about the relative strength of negative motivators (shvuas, gruesome photos, whatever) versus finding positive motivators to kee up going.

Here it is.
_______________________

The concept about Hashem sending the right message at the right time brings me to a comment that might be REALLY IMPORTANT. LISTEN UP.

-- Personally, I don't get as much chizuk from a nightmare that Hashem might send to "wake me up." Instead, I get much more inspiration from finding those little messages in everyday life that prove Hashem is really watching me, part of "my" team, doing me a little (?) chessed every now and again.

So I find it REALLY useful to see, or at least to fantasize, Yad Hashem in my everyday life. HE! got the phone to ring with client work, just when I was feeling broke and useless. HE! had the rain stop just before The Game started. HE! had my favorite vegetable on 1/2-price sale this week. Okay, those are bad examples but I'm just trying to say that even the most "trivial" stuff can have His name written all over it, when I'm really paying attention.

And once I see that He's there, that He cares, that He's involved -- well, how am I gonna start [warning - graphic] bringing some porn star onto my stage or grabbing some parts of me that He intended for something else?  It's just no longer shei'ich. The awesomeness of looking for Him in the field AND FINDING HIM is a way bigger motivator than, than, than... anything.

What's the title of this post? "Look for Hashem where He may be found." Or, maybe, "Endless Elul."

Hi, guys. Day 88.
Hence, thinking about IY'H Day 90 (Shabbos).

I'm guessing that other guys think and think as their own day 90 approaches. I'm thinking of starting a thread in Break Free to invite guys to post their personal comments on reaching 90. Or to cut and paste the ones they've already posted on some 90-day from the past.

Would anyone find this is any value, whether it's the ones posting or the ones reading the posts?  Thoughts, anyone? Thanks.

Hello? Hello? Anyone here? 

Briut wrote on 03 Jun 2010 11:15:


This comment is quite profound (graphics not necessary).
I call the process searching for Hashgocho Pratis in our day to day lives.
I have heard this teaching from some very choshev marbeitzei torah/mashpi'm le rabim as a practical means to build Emunah (to mention one Ha Rav Chaim Friedlander zecher tzadik kadosh l'vracha. As a matter of fact "The Mashgiach" (HaRav Yechezkel Levenstein, zecher tzadik kadosh l'vracha) used to give his child a coin for every hashgocho story.
I am a very strong advocate of doing this on a regular basis and if possible keeping a written journal. How about starting a thread called "Seeing Yad Hashem in my life"where we can share our stories making sure to cover up the details that would break anonymity?

What I need to work on is accepting that when things don't go my,way, it is still Hashem directing the show and his "script" may be different from ours..but whatever happens it is for our best interest.  I must go now....to see what the next  act of the play will bring.... in my housing saga .... Anyway B" zchus that we are working on building Emunah,may Hashem shower all of us including the ones who feel unworthy, with Rachamim Ha'atzumim,yeshuos g'dolos and b'soros tovos!

Definitely a site for soaring eyes.  Do it!  I'll be thinking about you Shabbos by day, every time  I don't look twice and chap the mitzvah.  It'll be for you, for us, for all of us.  L'Chaim  But it's still one day at a time.

My two goals for the weekend:

1) Figure out whether I'll get rid of this vessel I've been talking about --  the one I built so lovingly over the years. It's the one that compartmentalizes the shmutz in my life, and gives the illusion that I can hold on to kedusha and tuma at the same time; to love and lust; to serenity and animal desire, etc -- all those dichotomies.

2) Figure out how to treat day 91 as ODAAT. All this time, I've been pushing away the Y'H, saying "ok, but not today, come back after 90." So I'm afraid I've set up a wolf by the door for day 91. Do I really just set up another distraction, like "come back after I've lost 10 pounds (ok, 15)?" Or do I really "deal with" the here and now of his presence. (I think I'll look at some of those 12-step manuals I disparage so frequently; I KNOW there's stuff there on this point.)

And of course, if Day 90 is this Shabbos (wow, TOMORROW) (what did Orphan Annie sing, anyhow?), then the celebration really shouldn't be until Sunday when 90 are completed. (Did we learn NOTHING from Moshe's count on the mount?? Oy.) As if it matters, because the thing to do after the integrating that a celebration offers is still -- TO GET BACK TO WORK.

Day 89. Still clean. And on Shabbos, I think I'll still celebrate with a little Shira, anyhow.

Each one of your days are:

Definitely precious.
Indispensable for living the good-life.
Live spontaneously with your Only Best Eternal Friend.
Be all you can be: yourself!
Each day is the only day that really, really matters now.
Recovery uber alless.
Truth with ourselves about exactly what life we really want comes first, then get the help we need to live it!

In my case, each one of these gifts were bought with great pain. I mean it.

The fact that they perfectly spell out Dilbert is completely irrelevant. Hah. Bye! 

Chevra, Have a Great Shabbos!

Dov: thanks. You're wonderful to be there for us all. And a reminder of what a difference a day makes, is an important focus. Thanks.

I was just reading my earlier post, and got a flash.  What I said was:
Briut wrote on 04 Jun 2010 11:36:

And instead of thinking "the here and now of his presence," i.e., the Y'H, I should be thinking:
"the here and now of _His_ presence, i.e., Hashem.

In other words, why am I so focused on the messenger when I have a hotline to his Boss? Why am I obsessing with the negative that I'm trying to force OUT, rather than all the kedusha I want to allow IN.

Focus on dveikus to Hashem, not to a "battle" against that stupid jerk of a Yetzer. Wait, I won't say jerk: he's also an eved ne'eman who's only doing the missions that Hashem for some unfathomable reason told him to do. I sure do pity him the job, though.

Hey Bri,

It's been a while as I have been crazy busy with work at the y"h has been keeping me away from GUE because it's helping so much, b"H.

Anyway, something I have picked up recently is to start singing to myself. As Bards will tell you, the Tzetel Koton writes:

1.

At any time when one is free from learning Torah. Especially when he
has nothing to do and he is sitting alone in his room. Or he is lying
on his bed, and he is not able to sleep. He should have in mind the
mitzvah of 'And I shall be made holy among the children of Israel.' "V'nikdashti, bsoch b'nei yisroel."

[This is the mitzvah of Kiddush HaShem: to sanctify HaShem's holy
name, even if it means giving up one's life.] He should feel in his
soul, and imagine in his thoughts as if a great fire was burning
before him reaching until heaven. Because of his desire to sanctify
HaShem's name, he breaks his natural inclinations [for life] and
throws himself into the fire to sanctify HaShem's name. And from this
good thought, HaShem will consider it as if he had physically done
the act. This way he is not lying or sitting doing nothing. He is
fulfilling a positive mitzvah of the Torah.

Try it buddy...works great for me; b"H!

Have a great shabbos.

Y

Thanks, Y. Always nice to hear some good Torah erev Shabbos. Over and out. -Doc