AA somewhere: "We are like men who have lost their legs, and will never walk again"...talk about morbid!  ;D

(look it up, they actually meant something a lot more positive)

Dov: I ain't got no sorta 'AA' books. If you're gonna quote, you're gonna need to cite. At least, if you want us to understand you.

But that's okay; I'm not at the level of understanding you more than about half the time. I've gotten used to it. Your wife & kids probably have, too .

Thanks for staying in touch.

PS:
The man I was, would go and sleep. The man I was, would go and sleep even now. Am I not this man??  G'night.

So, I got some sleep. And more. And now, it's time to gird myself for another cycle of niddah with my beloved wife. Starting any moment, probably.

And if I get through the niddah cycle, I'm pretty sure I'll be past Day 90. I'm not really counting those GYE days so much, unlike my wife counting her own clean days. Wow, there could be some similarities in these countings. Hmmnn.

Similarities? Hmmnn. I wonder if wives ever have as much trouble keeping their hands off their husbands during niddah, as husbands have keeping their hands [off their bris]....  [Well, maybe she'd be more tempted if I dropped a coupla pounds and ironed my shirts a little more? Or, maybe she's really more attracted emotionally than physically?]

Too early for such questions.  MUST... HAVE... COFFEE. To be continued...?

Hey Bri,

Take a look at my post from today if you get the chance.

Y

allaloneontop wrote on 27 May 2010 16:39:

Er, uh, I think I looked but didn't see anything relevant with your name on it. Could you PM me or something to remind me which thread & day & all?  I'd love to keep up.  And forgive me if I'm simply technology-impaired :-> when it comes to finding the post.

Thanks. - Briut

A reasonably good day, B'H! Plus, my chutzpadige challenge to the Big Guy Upstairs has been working.

The challenge was:  OK, BGU! You gave me these great yiddishe kinder to raise. And I gotta feed them. And I gotta be an example. If YOU think that this example requires more purity in the GYE department, then here's EXACTLY how I want You to let me know. Send me more Parnassa so I can feed them, too! NOW! It's not just that it's what the kids are entitled to, but it'll be a nice little hashgacha pratis proof (maybe even a nes nigla proof) that I'm on the right track. Show me a sign - THIS sign - and I'll try to stick with this (even tho it's getting a little hard).

Janis Joplin sang, "L-rd, won't You buy me, a Mercedes Benz. My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends. Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends. L-rd won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz." This isn't relevant to anything I'm posting here, I just love cars and bad country songs.

[I'm so embarrassed to have such chutzpah and lack of bitachon. But B'H, the BGU is coming through and business is pickin' up big-time. Thanks, Tatte.]

Somehow, I realized today that I needed to tell myself something. And as soon as I did, I realized how much more POWERFUL I felt than when I was trying to tell myself something else. Namely,

I AM NOT A HYPOCRITE.

In other words, when there's been a gap in my life between the 613 I preach and the 612-ish that I do... it's not because I'm not walking the walk. I AM. I am doing SO MUCH in the ways of Hashem. When the doors are set to open, they'll open. Until then, my job is to do as much as I can. And if I were to continue to fall, I could still tell myself, with great honesty and integrity:

I AM NOT A HYPOCRITE.

That's it.  Good Shabbos, all.

- Briut

I AM NOT A HYPOCRITE, EITHER!!

And poor old Janis surely meant that song as a shtoch to country music...no?

Briut wrote on 28 May 2010 15:25:
Eliyahu Honn replies:
Dear Briut, a Great Friend asked me to pass on a message. He said,

"WHO WAS TRYING TO CALL YOU A HYPOCRITE, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE?!!"  A hypocrite is someone who doesn't pick up a finger to do what he says he was going to do. It's someone who gets no enjoyment out of the stuff he's come to do merely out of habit. It's someone who does the opposite of what he pretends, because he's got no integrity. It's someone who won't walk the walk, even with a gun to his head.

YOU, my dear one, are not a hypocrite. You are someone who cares. Who tries. Who loves. Who keeps the faith. You "dream the impossible dream... with your last ounce of courage... who's willing to walk into hell {ed.- and out again} for a Heavenly fight." That, My friend, is not a hypocrite. Who in hell could say that? Anyone suggesting such a thing is a G-d damm'd liar who must be DESTROYED!

Do not let such a person into your mind! Do not let him into your life! You... are living a life of meaning, of effort, of Jewish continuity [although I hate that phrase sometimes], of sticking by Him at every crazy roller-coaster turn along the way. Your every tiny little victory is precious. Your every tiny little fault and defeat -- and yes, even the big ones -- are meant to bring you down merely to help spring you higher to the next high.

ABANDON THE FLEETING MOMENT OF HYPOCRACY. EMBRACE THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU GET CLOSER TO YOUR TAFKID WITH EACH PASSING DAY. I WILL NEVER REJECT YOU, ABANDON YOU, PUNISH YOU, HARM YOU. EVERYTHING I DO IS FOR YOUR GOOD AND MINE AS WELL.

Now, get back to work. No, my child, "we're not there yet."

Signed, "a friend, aka Hashem Himself"

Day 85, I think.

Okay, so if I've got 85, I'll IM'H be making it to that magic 90 that everyone is making all the big whoops about here on the soap opera called "Lust is Not a Torah Value."

(Assuming I don't do something really stupid to slip, since my self-sabotage gene seems to be hitting me big-time this week. I assume it's last ditch effort of the Y'H nursing some painful wounds!)

So other than my little (??) ego issues that will keep me going all the way with this little set of one-day-at-a-time experiments -- I'm sorta wondering what's gonna keep me going after that. Am I just building up a pressure cooker that will lead to things to look or read or whatever? How will I be able to keep things kosher once the (initial) finish line is behind me?

Because right now, DESPITE ALL THE GEVALDIGE THINGS I'VE LEARNED AND CHANGED AND DONE AND EVERYTHING (and I'll wait until after 90 to comment on all that),  I could name you 3-4 (okay, 5-6) things that I'd really want to check out once this semester course and the final (90-day) exam are behind me.

Twisted, twisted, twisted, I'll confess, but anyone wanna help me get my head on straight again. (whoops; double pun; how about "help me clarify my thinking"?)

Thanks, chevra!

Day 86. Well, bad news and good news.

The bad news is, inappropriate thoughts keep running into my head. More often than recently. More often than "before." And I seem unable to dismiss them until I've given them a nice close examination. One that gets that little rush started.

The good news is, I can then tell myself that the rush is not going to lead anywhere good, and that if I really let the thought in... then I'll just have that much more to work on later as I do a daily cleanout of the shmutz lying around my mind and body.

Is this just a final (?)(hopefully!) push of the Y'H to keep me from Day 90? Or is this the way it's going to be... forever? Or am I just "awful-izing" what every human being with XY chromosomes goes through every day? 

Your thoughts, please? Thanks, chevra!

hi bruit,

im meant to be revising but for the past hour your story has inspired, touched and made me stronger in myself...

i really dont feel 'good enough' to give over this idea to such a holy yid who is probably well aware!!!

please know how much your story has inspired me and urged me to attain the 90 days (although im only 1/6 of the way there!)

you were talking about

Briut wrote on 01 Jun 2010 12:32:


ive written this a couple of times but it applies most here!:

my rabbi said that the yeser hara is like a dog, the more its fed, the stronger it gets, the greater threat it poses, however when you stop feeding it (like we are doing BH) it starts going mad in depserate need of food, eventyually it gets weaker so needs to calm down, although there will be times when it goes on another mental spurt in a desperate attempt for more food, although as time goes on it gets fundamentally weaker..

pherhaps your "dog" is realising how close it is for the chance of ever getting fed again getting increasingly small so its going on one final rampage with extra energy to try and get fed, taking you back to the beggining...

so stay strong and dont let the beast blind you!

Briut wrote on 01 Jun 2010 12:32:


Does that imply distraction is not effective or that you are not able to distract yourself ?  You must specifically analyze the thought to get ride of it?

Yeah, mekubal, it's more like that second option. Just ignoring it isn't really an option. First, I feel I've got to give it "the time of day" and take a look, before I can say, "no thanks."

Weird, ain't it? I need to get back to walking past the thought like it's a sleeping (goyish?) drunk on 13th Avenue.

Oy.

[quote="Briut" link=topic=1746.msg67077#msg67077 date=1274962932]
as husbands ....... Or, maybe she's really more attracted emotionally than physically?]
In my humble opinion,women are very much attuned to emotional closenes. They want to feel loved,appreciated,supported,respected,listened too ect. This has been my exprience.
BTW since I am perceived by my wife as emotionally cold,uncaring unloving...it leaves me feeling like a failure as a spouse. This just causes me to withdraw more  emotionally.