Dov, sorry to break this to you, but frankly I think my life is and has been manageable. Perhaps I'm deluding myself, of course, but otherwise would mean "hitting bottom while still on bottom" and I don't think that's my story.

So why am I on this site? Because deep in my heart, I know that Hashem gave us a Torah that says something other than what I've done and want to do. So, bottom line, I don't want to do it.  The only enlightened self-interest to it is that I don't want to feel like a hypocrite in front of myself, my family, and my G-d.

Left to my own devices, I'd probably just, as I've seen you say, become a porn star. I think I'd be a good one, too.  BUT I WON'T. Because He is asking me not to. And so I feel I am indeed entitled to ask Him to "not let me" act out in other ways if I want to but He doesn't. I am powerless in this battle so I can't do anything more than daven that He should bring me to a good result.

And if that means taunting Him from time to time, saying "if You don't do something right now, I'm acting out!" or even "if You keep the work $ coming in, I'll keep behaving" -- well, that's just the juvenile in me who feels like "I don't know how." Which ain't so different from the adult 12-stepper who says "I'm powerless," isn't it?

The difference being that your version gives you the option of saying, "well, if You didn't do "x", then you must WANT me to fall!" Or, put slightly differently, "well, since you're not helping me, take THAT!"

silentbattle wrote on 11 May 2010 00:23:


Well, SB, I didn't say that I was being PRETTY. I only said that I'm trying to be HONEST. Making the "twisted webs we weave" into something pretty is... a life's work. Honestly!

;D Fair enough.

I put this thing on an 'allaloneontop' thread, but want to keep a copy here so I won't forget. I think I'm gonna need to hear this message myself someday.


Briut wrote on 10 May 2010 17:06:

STATUS REPORT

Day 65. Physical 'symptoms' and emotional irritation (RID) are both getting a little rough. Sorry to confess, but I tested Him today. I said, let this phone call bring in more client business and I'll be good today. It's all, all, all wrong. But it worked. Thanks, G-d.

And I know I'll be okay tonight, because mikveh night will IYH be tomorrow night and I'll want 24 clean hours on file. (And since her period came 7 days early and lasted 2 longer than typical, mikveh night is welcomed news.) And then tomorrow night is good, and then even the next night is good, too. (We have a standing date for the night AFTER mikveh night, because it's so much more loving and so much less animal lust than mikveh night itself.)

That'll put me to Day 68, but who's counting. Although I do recall that when I tried this challenge before, it was on Day 69 when I said the h**l with it. Ever vigilent.

One day at a time, some of you might say.  How do y'all think I'm doing? Good night.

Glad to hear that you're doing well.

But when you say "it worked"...well, i know what you mean. But what would have happened if hashem had said, "Y'know what, Briut? I think you're big enough that you can keep going even if I say "no" this once."

And trust me, I think we can all relate to doing what you described at some point or another - but we've gotta remember that it's kinda like a kid saying, "gimme ice cream, or I'll draw on the wallpaper!"

We very much are little children...

Thanks, SB, for the support.

I should add that while I DID test Him and win regarding that parnassa phone call, I've been testing Him and LOSING in another area.

I had mentioned in passing last week that I was suddenly standing face-to-face with 'fer sure the juiciest lust fantasy of my adult life. Right there for the taking, in real life. And somehow, I pulled away and said, "nope; this must be the Y'H pulling out all the stops; I'm not gonna fall for this sucker punch; bye." Wow.

But unlike many other shimras einayim tests over these months, I'm having a difficult time letting go of this one. I can't just let it pass through and then leave. It lingers and I end up conspiring for how to set it up again. (Although it's the spontaneity that would make it so juicy. PM for triggering details if you must.) So the thought doesn't go away. And neither does my lustful intent.

So I'm challenging Him (r'l). I say, YOU take this thought and throw it down the toilet. YOU tell the Yetser, enough already. YOU bring me a substitute that's the same or better as what I walked away from without the second thought. Because if You don't, G-d, I'm just going to.... Because I'm just surrendering my intentions here; I can't do this.

So, I'm basically prostituting the 12-step surrender into a fight to see who's got the bigger - Him for my mitzvos or me for my lust. I'm sorry to be setting up the competition, but I sure hope He wins.

So, that's as Paul Harvey would say, "the rest of the story."

You do know that you're close - the whole point is that when the two forces meet, you have the ability to LET Him win.

I think.

Day 66.
Spending more time on GYE than finding new clients.
Mikveh night tonight, after a long period separated.
Hope that holds hope for some of these other symptoms relenting.
No, not really the visible physical symptoms (how many are facing that?).
More, the restlessness, confusion connected to all this, I think.

And compulsive posting.
My apologies if any of them offend anybody for any reason at any time.

Don't worry, you are not the only one who posts ans pends too much time on GYE!

Briut wrote on 12 May 2010 19:34:


Yep, gotta go. Return from Mikveh awaits. And I made it through another of 'her months,' clean. And let's hope the irritability starts to dissipate (I find it takes about 2 days).

Whose irritability, yours or mine?

dov wrote on 13 May 2010 03:08:


There's another option you missed -- HERS! I did, however, mean mine. And I think I'm gonna be okay.

I do wonder, though, if Hashem is really asking "all this" of just poor little ole' me. 'Cause for so long I thought He was giving me a "get out of jail, free" card to play. But if He really wants me totally (613) back in His game, I'm still hoping He first lets me pass Go and collect $200.

Maybe you are not one of the players, at all. Maybe you are the shoe, the bowler, or maybe even just the iron! Perhaps Hashem is the only "Player" and we are the pieces.
I'd still hope he gives you the $200 anyhow... :