sorry Briut i am not a "wise member" so i can not contribute  :D ! Have a great Shabbos!

Well, welcome back everyone. Thanks to Guard & his platoon for the restoration.

I've been working in my head how I might share two events from when the site was down. Do you senior folks have suggestions for staying strong and happy in the face of all this. (Yes, I can hear Dov saying the goal is neither strong nor happy, but I'm not there right now.)

The first event: a dream where I was watching a (pareve) sci fi movie, late at night. Too bored to follow the movie, too distracted to fall asleep. So in the dream, my hand started to slip down. And while still dreaming, I actually told myself, "NO! You'll mess up all the rewiring taking place. Pull away; walk around for 15 minutes and see." At which point I woke up! AND, I realized I’d pulled my hand back in real life, too.  LESSON: THIS REWIRING IS HITTING MY DREAM STATE, NOT JUST REAL LIFE. Whoa.

The second case was scarier. In real life, I innocently found myself face-to-face with my biggest (lust) fantasy of my life. (I won’t even describe it.) Decades in my imagination. About to happen, I'm convinced. But I won't know because I BACKED OFF. THOUGHT TO MYSELF, THIS MUST BE THE Y’H PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS. THE TIMING IS JUST TOO WEIRD.  HASHEM WANTS SOMETHING DIFFERENT. IT’LL BE BETTER. ‘NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF THIS.’ And I backed away.

So, last week I avoided some web pages. This week I avoided acting out in dreams, too. Monday, I said no to a real person. I’m on GYE 4 months, and the rewiring is real.  I should be thrilled. BUT I’M NOT. BECAUSE I’M WAITING FOR THE REPLACEMENT ‘SOMETHING BETTER.’

Moshul: guy stranded on a desert island. Finally rescued. Wanted to take a masterpiece with him that he’d made there. Rescuers couldn’t/wouldn’t take it. Promised him another, better one back on the mainland. He gets on the boat, reluctantly. And he yearns for the old masterpiece… because he’s never seen one of the new kind. I’m sure he’ll be happy once he’s back and sees what he’s gained, but in the meantime he’s feeling sad, lonely, RIDdy, feeling a little stupid for making a masterpiece he has to leave behind, etc.  I’M THE KID ON THE BOAT.

Now, I’ve seen amazing hashgacha pratis this week showing that I’ve done the right thing. A four-digit refund from the IRS (called a hopeless case), arriving the day after avoiding that fantasy. More client work (FINALLY) coming in. Meeting family members who’ve been lost for decades. Yet I don’t feel gratitude. I only feel mad K’Y that I’m not getting the fun I’m familiar with. I SUPPOSE THIS IS THE LAST PART TO GET REPROGRAMMED. I WISH I WERE MORE PATIENT.

ANY THOUGHTS ON HOW TO BE HAPPY WITH WHAT I’VE GOT, EVEN IF I’VE LOST THE OLD ‘FUN’ AND HAVEN’T YET GOTTEN THE REPLACEMENT ‘HAPPINESS’? I know there’s gonna be a lotta posting now that the site’s restored, but I’d really love some personal experiences for chizuk. Thanks.

Briut wrote on 05 May 2010 15:09:


That was a beautiful post. Your progress is amazing and inspiring!

To try and answer your question, see reply #198 and #214 on your thread.

Hi Doc - welcome back! And WOWIE what an inspiration you are to me and all of us!!

Yes, there are new opportunities for happiness available now, that you would not have considered and not had a place to "store" them inside before, cuz all the mental-rental units were full. And you'll acquire PLENTY of them in due time.

However, WHAT ABOUT THE PURE JOY OF KNOWING THAT YOU WERE SAVED FROM AND AVOIDED A TERRIBLE THING?!!

Klal Yisroel danced and sang when they left mitzrayim, and when the mitzriiyim were drowned. But all they had was redemption from slavery - they hadn't gotten the Torah and Mitzvos yet! They had been liberated, but did not have the new "benefits" yet of being free.

You can, and SHOULD, revel in the JOY of the taste of freedom from the control which lust had on your life. Duvid Chaim defined the lust addiction as "a loss of freedom of choice." You are getting back your BECHIRAH!! So much it is effecting your Subconscious!! In Bards-speak, that's

GEVALDIG!!!!

SO BEEEEEE HAPPY!! Get excited!! Hashem wants your WHOLE HEART!

And what you're leaving behind? A life of misery and self-loathing! What are you travelling toward? A life of JOY and SELF-RESPECT, a life of closeness to Hashem and of service to others!

THIS IS THE MOST WONDERFUL OF MOMENTS!

ZE HAYOM ASAH HASHEM - NAGILAH V'NISMICHA BO!!

Steve wrote on 05 May 2010 20:05:


Yep, Steve, that's a good goal. Thanks. I can work on it.

And thanks for the beautiful post, strong chizuk, and everything.

guardureyes wrote on 05 May 2010 17:52:
Well, Guard, very cute to use my own thread and even my own words to answer my own question. Aarrgh. Have you ever been a shrink?

Anyhow, I do see the #214 amazing quote from Steve. I think you might have mis-spoken when it comes to #198, though (unless you have a sense for the ironic).  Did you perhaps mean a different post or thread?

Anyhow, it's always great to have you pop in and give a little chizuk. Those Buckingham guards aren't supposed to open their mouths, ever!

Steve wrote on 28 Apr 2010 19:16:


Well, Steve, you're right, of course, but how come there are so MANY fantasies I'm being asked to give up. Can't I take them a few at a time?   Okay, okay, fine.... I'll get back into my Reb Noach Weinberg model of 'pleasure' and 'happiness.' Thanks for setting me, er, straight.

Briut wrote on 26 Apr 2010 23:04:

Aha! I hadn't noticed that little airbrush job [...]. Very clever, Guard. [Gotta watch out for those quiet ones [...], Guard.]

Guard, I think you might have mis-spoken. Or then again, perhaps it is those amateur attempts to airbrush over the challenging stuff that makes us down when things don't come out looking as blue-sky as we saw in the brochure. Hmmmn. Perhaps there's that quiet Guard at work, again....

Briut wrote on 05 May 2010 21:13:


Are we seeing the same thing? #214 is a quote from Dov, and #198 is a quote from humble me.
In YOUR thread, right here.

Briut, check out today's chizuk e-mail. I quoted you! 

guardureyes wrote on 05 May 2010 22:19:


Well, I'm confused, too. My pages show the numbers I'm using. Any chance you could 'quote' and post them so we can stop this little misunderstanding?  I can always learn so much from watching your good eye for posts.

Thanks so much.

guardureyes wrote on 05 May 2010 22:31:

Gee, Guard, the egotist that's taken over my body certainly appreciates your vote of confidence and the good wishes behind your quoting me. Thanks.

And... I'm still working on this idea of letting the good stuff (reprogramming) to shine through without including the warts. Which in this case means, it's good news that my rewiring is going well, but I feel there are warts that I'm still not enjoying it.

GYE (and you, of course) deserve to show off some success stories in the newsletters (and in fundraising),  :-> and potential members deserve to see that progress is possible. But as you might know, I still think about whether the "Disney-ized" technicolor version of growth is fully ehrlich. The bottom line is that, yes, marketing our "product" requires a little "glitz" in the newsletters. So it's the right thing to do. I just feel as if they won't get the "rest of the story" until they have the "rest of the story."

What does all this mean to ME (Al Franken?). My instinct about these thoughts of mine, right now, is that this has to do more with my own insecurities and doubts and self-esteem and all that. Do I really need to spotlight my own warts in order to show my good side?  Hmmnn, something to think about.

Living an 'examined life' sometimes takes a lot of effort. But an unexamined life isn't life.

wow, it sounds like you have some serious souls searching going on! i am sure you will find the answers you are looking for! best of luck to you!

GO DR. B. GO!!!

You are the next RISING GYE STAR.

but dont let it go to your head.....

I may have left out the warts, but the rewiring is real... I didn't hide any truths, I just left out some other "truths" 

guardureyes wrote on 06 May 2010 21:25:


Was that TRUTH, or CONSEQUENCE?

Well, I sure wish I were feeling 'better' about all this so-called 'progress.' But right now, I'm feeling more like a real putz than any flavor of hero.

Issue:  Why am I trying so hard, to move so far, so fast? Why always such a mad dash to the next madreiga in life?

Why am I running SO FAST away from shmutz, from fantasizing, from acting out? Why do I think I can take on so much, so quickly? Maybe I'd do better with a week of R&R. (Which would make my walking away from that fantasy on Monday seem really stupid. Part of me is still kicking myself.) A week to integrate the work I've done, to stew in a little Torah learning, to make a plan for the next chapter that ensures success and not exhaustion.

I'm not sure that setting the bar any higher for this stage is sustainable or healthy. Not if I want to be truly free.

Maybe I need to give myself a little more permission to be 'less than perfect' in all of life, and especially in this area. Maybe it's a fair goal to reduce my GYE challenges from frequent to relatively rare (or even zero). And maybe that's good enough, even if it's not perfect.

And maybe I could learn to love myself enough to celebrate the victory of the imperfect success.