guardureyes wrote on 26 Apr 2010 21:27:


Guard, I think that Steve's 25% figure might be a pledge; you can take it to Bais Din.
Let's all daven that even 25% of his earnings will be more than enough to put gye.org into the big leagues.
Problems solved! (except, how do we put a donor plaque on cyberspace???)

guardureyes wrote on 26 Apr 2010 21:23:


Could I at least be elected the Chairman of the Board
and Honorary Alumnus of the Year Banquet Awardee
and official poster child
of the club?

[That would sure give me a new ego distraction to keep me from having to do any more hard emotional work!!]
[Pretend there are like 100 smileys here, to indicate my sarcasm, of course.]

Briut wrote on 26 Apr 2010 21:36:


You can be official poster child, if you get onto a blue tricycle.

Ah... Uh.... Hey, Guardarino, all I SAID was that Royalties would be decided later.

I think you are taking these EDITING PRIVILEGES a little TOO FAR!!  :D ;D

But I'll take the Beracha anyway - Yehi Ratzon that 25% of what I make should cover the GYE Budget.

Steve wrote on 26 Apr 2010 22:09:


Aha! I hadn't noticed that little airbrush job to the royalties pledge. Very clever, Guard.

[Gotta watch out for those quiet ones, sometimes. I mean, Guard.]

Dear Briut,

Sorry for never getting to know you better than by just reading your posts. That post before was a shocker. Not just for it's plain realness, but for how true it is for me, as well. I wrote about it to someone else,once, crassly saying that the way it felt to me years ago was that if I couldn't be recognized as the next gadol of the generation, "could I at least be a porn star?" Yeah, it's sick. But that's the way I really was before recovery: Desperate for something outside me to give me Reality. And schmutz - being my drug of choice - felt very real, and vital. Those acting-out moments seemed larger-than-life...till they almost killed me. And like you shared, in recovery there is a temptation to remain struggling to get people's attention, to get G-d's attention, and to stick with what our gut feels is the only thing that "works". It's our comfort zone. That struggle defined my relationship with Hashem. In fact, the only way I could see myself being able to approach Hashem at all, was as a guy who just did horrific things! "Take me back! Iv'e sinned terribly! Please take me back!" Hey - what nice god could resist that?! The idea that He just loves me like crazy no matter what, and living with that all the time, was - well - crazy!

Somewhere along the way early on, an absolute need for something outside me had infected my very core like a virus. I really needed that image, that woman, that [imagined] warm approval, that exact pleasure, or else. For some folks it's $1mil, acid, Blue Marlins, TV, whatever. For me, it was a feeling, a trance, that I could secretly tune into using a part of my body and my imagination - whenever I wanted to. Kind of hard to run away from. Probably everyone here knows exactly what that's like, and that's why they are here. After a while it doesn't work any more, but we still feel we really need it. That's insanity and blindness.

So, Recovery held out the promise of 'self-discovery'. Of actually growing to be comfortable without anything outside me - with just being me. Even w/o "being" anything important to anybody else. Just me. Hashem's little: guy. And at first, that idea seemed like the stupidest thing I had ever heard. I didn't want it. I didn't believe it, either. And maybe that was a good thing... I shudder to think what it'd ne like to actively "work" on that! It had to happen naturally for me, ;ike most gifts of recovery, and kind of bite me on the behind. Like: "Surprise! So, you are not a useless piece of crap after all!" - that kind of subtle discovery is nice.

The way it is turning out, the self-discovery is happenning slowly. And the person I am getting to know is pretty, and ugly; impressive and pathetic. And it's kind of cool. Lust never offerred me that - it taught me I was just a desperate guy running somewhere. Either from something or to something. "That's all there is, buddy!", is what my disease would say if it could talk.

So take it easy, Briut, and consider not working on the outcomes so damn much. Or maybe not at all. Outcomes are Hashem's. (Sounds like it should be a possuk somewhere...maybe Ben Sira! Uh-oh.) It does say in Mishlei, "birtzos Hashem darkei ish, gam oivav yashlim itto!" - When the ways of a man are approved-of by Hashem, then even the man's enemies make peace with him! Does the man do that? Apparently not. Hashem does it. It all works out cuz G-d makes it work out when the time is right.

i am not sure if you read my reply but i said i was not sure why i am familiar with the feeling and i just remembered i am not going to say anything more because i am ashamed and embarrassed about it but i can say that i know what you are feeling and that you should not let it lure you into falling. 

Chazak Amenu wrote on 27 Apr 2010 00:08:

Hey, the ugly truth is that everybody gets ashamed or embarrassed sometimes. Even both simultaneously. Funny, though, I hadn't thought of you as one who got inhibited in the postings. Still, I don't pretend to know the folks here so well even though everyone's posting very personal thoughts all the time.

I'll try to keep checking in on your thread in case there's more to read.

dov wrote on 26 Apr 2010 23:34:


Yeah, Dov, thanks. You're right, of course. But... as someone who's spent a lifetime working on outcomes, accomplishments, results, etc... this may take a lot of work. I'll make this my next intended "accomplishment," I suppose -- to give up on accomplishments .

We really ARE all bozos on this bus! [sigh]

Wow - just read your post on the last page, and...well, I think that "wow" pretty much covers it! This is the real you, what makes you special - your personal work on growing, whether or not it makes you unique in a superficial way or not. Ironically, that's what makes you truly unique.  ;D

Briut wrote on 27 Apr 2010 00:20:


i am not generally inhibited (needed to look that one up in the dictionary, its always good to learn new words!) but i feel like one of the falls which i had recently was also amongst many reasons because i was becoming afraid of my success for similar reasons that you are as well as the fact that people would not take me seriously and i am ashamed of that because i should never be afraid of success and i  know people here do take me seriously. BTW i try to be honest as much as i can and sometimes i do not realize what helped cause a fall until later, like today i did not realize that was such a factor until today which is why i said i could not put my finger on why what you said sounded so familiar also i did not want to impose on your thread.

Chazak Amenu wrote on 27 Apr 2010 01:54:


What I get out of this (universal) dilemma you describe is that we have to achieve great and amazing things... and we have to remain small and humble while it happens. Totally incompatible goals. Yet somehow totally intertwined results.

I have no f*'g clue how this works. Which is probably a good thing.

guardureyes wrote on 26 Apr 2010 22:00:


FINALLY, A JOB I CAN MASTER. [SEE NEW AVATAR OF THE WEEK....]

dov wrote on 26 Apr 2010 23:34:


Gol al Hashem Darkecha, betach elav ve'hu ya'aseh.

guardureyes wrote on 27 Apr 2010 12:17:


My favorite:
Hashlech Al Hashem Y'havcha V'hu Y'chalkilecha

You don't need to keep a heavy burden on your shoulders when you're on a bus...
The bus is carrying you... and the package.....
regardless of whether it's on your shoulder...

So just take the packages off your shoulder and let G-d carry it for you... He's been doing that all along anyway....
Your help is not needed....