Okay, I’ve now had 100 days down this journey.
Part of Guard’s congratulatory note to me was that he was printing my reflections in the daily chizuk email. I wasn’t sure why – I didn’t think my own reflections were unique or profound. When I saw the email, though, I noticed one edit that somehow hit a very raw nerve. Gone was reference to how shemiras einayim is trickier when the lustful attractions are to men.
I tried to imagine why it disappeared. My first instinct was that the ‘yuk’ factor many feel toward a same-sex attraction. To which I would say, that’s precisely the point. The ‘yuk’ factor exists: there’s often a voice saying, “that’s disgusting, how could you DO that.”
True, some folks could find it tricky to relate to gay attraction. But the more universal point is that we’re all imperfect in some way. As the Firesign Theater used to say, “we’re all bozos on this bus.” Editing out someone’s special challenges, his warts, his un-photoshopped gritty reality – well that’s wrong.
I’ve seen a lot of ‘reality’ in these last few months here. Jews in Pain with wives selected for them at an early age and without their input. Jews Trying to overcome oversensitive behaviors that might interfere with their social existence. Teens with Strength enough to jump in before their hormones have even settled down. Lusts strong enough to bankrupt the bank account. And, yes, Jews healthy enough to survive decades of comments that their desires are disgusting and even worthy of death. These warts are the very thing that makes the chevra’s work so beautiful in my eyes.
It’s not only unfair to the members when we’re airbrushed into some kind of unflawed Yid with one wart to hide. It also hurts prospective members who might fear this work because of their own flaws. Sure, they might say, progress is available to that guy who seems so wart-free, but if they only knew how many warts I have….
Guard suggested that the same sex reference wasn’t relevant because it’s only another flavor of lust, just like a fetish for high heels or group parties. I say, fine: adding gratuitious, triggering details doesn’t help the chizuk emails. Yet, perhaps the life facing a frum & gay Yid isn’t just the thought of a sexual act. It’s evidence of a long and winding road that affects a relationship with a wife, a Jewish community, and Hashem. It’s comparable to the other warts we all carry, whether surviving child abuse, psychiatric crisis, death of a child, or anything that can throw someone into a crisis of faith and keep them there.
I’m proud to be a pickle, as one member says. True, a sober cucumber never turns back into a sober cucumber once steeped in the brine of addiction for too long. Still, this cucumber has been flavored in a way that helps define who I am, who I’ve been, and who I’ll be able IYH to become. Editing us down to a bunch of cucumbers without brine… unacceptable.
Okay, I’ll confess that I’m still sensitive from decades of living in the closet as a price to pay for living as a frum Jew. I’m sensitive to folks saying the most insensitive things possible and feeling unable to come out and defend myself. Or their justifying their opinions with a possuk. I’m sensitive to Hashem giving me a mind and body that’s naturally inclined to things He tells us to avoid. I’m sensitive to many aspects of the warts I carry. But I see them, I love them, I love Hashem, and I wouldn’t trade my peckele of miseries for anyone else’s.
Part of me wants to stand on my high horse of egotism to say that my double dose is more than others here face. But it’s not true. We all have a double dose – the one that makes us alike, and the one that makes us each unique. Airbrush away that other dose of challenge, and we’re not being honest with ourselves or the folks we want to inspire. I want them to see that life can be gritty and real and doubly challenging – and still full of hope. The insights I’ve gained from the last few months here have surpassed my decades of therapy and prayers and shvuas and everything else I turned to in my pain and confusion. And I want to be part of telling others they can do the same. Even with the additional private baggage I’m sure they carry.
Having written all this, I still can’t put my finger on why the deletion hit me so strongly. I can’t help but think, though, that I want the anonymity of this site to give me freedom to be who I am. If I can’t show my warts in the safety of this chevra, perhaps I start to feel insecure that my warts aren’t welcomed anywhere. If we dare not speak its name here, the wart might indeed keep me from the life I want with my wife, my community, our G-d. Please don’t tell me that. Not again. Because as I think of my warts as unacceptable in the very privacy we create to support recovery, I begin to cry. And those tears probably show where my true feelings are coming from.
written Erev Shabbos Acharei Mos-Kedoshim (how appropriate - toeva hee !!)
- d