[quote="dov" link=topic=1746.msg60747#msg60747 date=1271044234]

Of course, schmutz is all and only about rendering the barriers irrelevant: Total strangers. On a page that anyone can see. There is no developed connection, only the indicators of connection - only desire. It wields awesome power, yes - but it's not real "sexuality", in my book. And I always knew it while I was doing that, R"l. [quote]



that is very true. If only knowledge of these things was enough! Good job Briut on slipping (not slipping?) by this one!
i am not sure why this is quoted.

Hey Briut,

I think I owe you a few PMs.
Will get there soon.
I wanted to respond to Dov...

Well, really just to say that I think that's deep Torah that you're sharing.
I hope it's ok with you that I use that word. Just means a teaching.

Shucks, thanks.

Unngh. Had a busy time with the therapist. I've been doing heavy mental work. I needed to hear whether this work is on-track (he's one of the few I'd actually trust to answer), and whether this psychological "game is worth the candle."

I think I've got to take a closer look at all the complaints I have against myself, and (I hear the apikorsus-police coming to battle here...) what complaints I have against HKB'H. You see, if me plus the Big Guy Upstairs are gonna be the only two folks on this team of getting Briut into a better sexual place, then I'd better trust the teammates. Both 'me' and The Other Teammate. So I'm gonna take a closer look.

Re myself, I have to examine if I have enough self-esteem to consider myself a worthy team member -- worthy of success and even worthy of His love in the first place. And, forgive me if this sounds crass, but I've also got to look over that Other Team Member (as I experience Him): will He love me through all of my faults and going over lavs and generally not being who He says He wants in His chosen people. Will He have my back?

I hope so. I'm all He's got and vice versa. But I also know, this isn't any longer about just feeling deprived of sexual experiences. It's about knowing that both members of the team have enough mutual love, trust, strength, etc etc to get through anything. Even through a transformation of lust.

So, acting out right now would certainly be easier. And would feel good. (Really good.) And wouldn't hurt anyone. Even myself. IT JUST WOULDN'T HELP ANYTHING.  And if a good Jew ain't movin' up, he's movin' down. That's it. No choice. Ugh.

I like that part about "if a jew aint movin up he is movin down part" cool

moving up - moving down.

yup!

its like climbing up the DOWN escalator.
one gots to keep moving up.

but the good news is the Messilas Yeshirum says this world is  like a corridor to Olam Haba.

Image being in a corridor to a wedding hall - as you get closer, the smells get stronger, the music gets loud, the flavor of the simcha wafts through the air... others pass you excited to get to the main event.

every step we take - gets us closer to the main hall!

all too often we think we are on one of those moving floors liek they have in the airports - and we stay put - expecting TIME will just come along and take us to our destiny..

but a Jew can go beyond moving to the left or the right -
we can CLIMB UPWARDS!!

keep climbing my brother -
and dont forget to hang onto the railing.

dont look down -
you are doing great!

Yep, Dovii, I agree. It's EXACTLY like moving up on the down escalator.

If you're not moving UP, then you're moving DOWN.

That's why a Jew has to work on growing in his (/her) Yiddishkeit every day. Not just because we lose our Torah if we don't chazer, but because the escalator is moving down for 120 years and we've got to run in the other direction (higher).

You said it.

I put this on someone else's thread a day or two ago.
I liked it so much (hadn't intended to write all this) that I saved it to re-read on a rainy day when I'm feeling down.
It's raining today on the East Coast. And, well, I've been further up in my life...
(That pesky escalator again??)

So, I'm posting this here so I won't lose track of it. The guy had asked about how to keep going now that his first few weeks on the Forum were quieting down and his oomph was down, too.
_______________

Yeah, the newness of anything can be a rush that inspires initially, but it never seems to last and never seems to do the trick forever.

But you know that.

I got a reminder of that when Guard moved my thread from 'introduce yourself' onto the WOH. And the welcoming posts stopped. And I stopped feeling 'special.' And I realized that ultimately I'm all alone in this. Me and Hashem.

I certainly had to make a cheshbon of whether I liked the only two partners in the effort, because if I disliked or mistrusted either one, I was gonna be toast.

I remember some of R' Avr. Twerski's writings about the source of his low self-esteem being related to his realization (in the distant past, I presume) that he just didn't like to be alone with himself... because he didn't like himself. Ouch.  And if the one I don't like is, Ch'V, HKBH, r'l (perhaps because his mitzvois don't coincide with what my body would most like to do right now), then DOUBLE ouch.

But now, having been alone for a while with just me and the Big Guy Upstairs, I've realized that the two of us is enough. His voice isn't in the big fire of the Introduce Yourself thread, or the loud voice of the "My Issues are Trickier than yours," etc. The power of the Sneh is in the quiet whisper that comes after all the drama has taken its turn and left the stage.

And guess what:  it seems He wants me to have a close relationship and an open invitation into all the rooms of His house, just like He gave to the one who saw the first sneh, too. [The line in Yigdal 'ne'eman bayso' refers to Moshe R'u.] If I'd listened to the initial excitement alone, I might not have gotten the message.

Sorry to get so philosophical on you. I had intended to post just a quicky about how the work goes on even after the initial rush has passed.

I'd add one point to the general concept - the reason we go down if we're not going up is because we've made a choice not to go up - and that's a choice that naturally brings us down...

Make sense?

That was very deep, paisan. Thanks.

Just poppin my pickled face in here to say hi. No time to add to the conversation, but just to say hi.

Hi.

from La-Beriya

Briut wrote on 12 Apr 2010 23:15:


Yep, that's how I spent my day again today. Just like yesterday. Even though I should have been working on other stuff.

But this work might not be URGENT, but it sure as heck is IMPORTANT. (Those are Steven Covey's lines from the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Not that I'm being one today. But I'm still wonderful. And lovable.)

Pronounced "Oorrrrhento!", right?

dov wrote on 13 Apr 2010 22:15:


Urgent, urgento. Whatever. As long as the emphasis isn't on the "urge" part.

what are you guys talking about... you know what i would rather not know  !