It's amazing how much Hashem loves you Briut  :D. Let me explain...

You spoke about "being on the edge of a big emotional cliff", and of feeling "the edge of my sanity coming into range". Well, we all feel that way after a while when starting out on our journey, especially after taking a few lust hits - and even more so when the wife is not available. We think we're going nuts, we lose patience, we're uncomfortable, and we rationalize that if we don't act out we'll go totally nuts.

I wasn't clear how to answer you on this, but just today I got an e-mail from Elya that explains how these feelings are typical of withdrawal symptoms at specific times in our recovery.

Besides for the fact that "Pre-warned is pre-armed", Elya's article also gives some practical advice on how to deal with these very uncomfortable feelings! Stay tuned for today's CHIZUK E-MAIL (#740)  ;D

You guys are great to stick with me on the downhill as you had on the uphill. (Or do I have those directions reversed; hmmn.) Thanks.

No, I'm not walking away from the fray. Thanks for the concern, though. Really.

I do feel as if I first got into the fray without a lot of perspective or tools to work with or anything. It was sorta like:

1) R' Arush says shalom bayis requires shomer bris/aineyim/etc.
2) Friend needed rafua; I made a kaballa for 12 days of 'clean.'
3) Whoa, suddenly in this countdown toward 90 and I didn't even remember the starting gate.

So, what's it gonna take 'til I feel like I'm back in gear? Well,
1) 1 day at a time; I'm certainly not ready to set a number.
2) some tools for dealing with feeling isolated from women and from men in this work (so, who's left??)
3) some tools for getting out of my own "self" (ego) AND for staying in giving mode
4) something else that I haven't quite put my finger on yet... I'll keep you posted....

In fact, I'll try to post more tomorrow.

4) is dealing with withdrawal.

Did you see yesterday's e-mail, or do you want me to forward it to you by e-mail? (It also discussed the tools you are looking for in #1 - one day at a time.)

Okay, I think I'm back on track. Day 4. Some new tools in hand. Thoughts including:

1) Make time to inject some "good" into my life (to replace the "stuff" I'm leaving behind).
2) Live in "give" mode (ego, vs "take mode" of self-centeredness).
3) Be forgiving and patient with myself: the process isn't overnight.
4) Be patient with others (seek connection and avoid isolation).
5) Stay in the moment; be here now.

Anyhow, it was good to take a couple of days to process. Even the couple of fallen days, and now the couple of days that were clean bu without any focus. This voyage began without much strategic thought. I think I've got more focus now.

Dov posted something about "you can't enjoy anything you require." Which somehow hit home. If lustful thoughts bring me to "needing it," then it's never going to bring fulfillment because it's not a free-will choice. Hmmnn.

Oh, and one more tool. I should "look for eitzahs all around me." Including from you guys, of course.  Thanks, and GS.

Freedom and redemption.

Pesach.

Time to work on achieving the redemption that's linked to being free to do the right thing.

Which in my case means bringing my wife a little more into the loop on the specifics of the work I've been doing on this site. Esp since it's brought me some irritable cycles. (Often with my wife as the victim....) Not a good way to enter into Our Freedom.

She already knows a lot of what I'm doing here (B'H for a wife who knows, loves, accepts, cares, etc) but sometimes it's just not worth walking into the midbar without a little more preparation than some blood on the doorposts and some biscuits on the back.

So, Briut, just take a deep breath, let it all hang out, tell her some more, and trust that His loving concern will bring her right to where you need her to be for you.

Chag kasher v'sameach to all you dear & victorious souls.
A freilichen Pesach. (The kasheren Pesach part is poshut; the simchadike side is the challenge.)

Man, this is tricky!

So, this whole 'staying clean' thing...
It's not really about the emotional stress of working on staying clean.
It's not even about the stress (physical, emotional, whatever) of being clean.
It's really about all the stuff deep inside that I used acting out to anesthetize.

If I'm Lonely? Irritable? Depressed? Insecure?
Then, turn to escapes. Lots of things qualify: music, drugs (Rx and otherwise), exercise, cars, and (oh yeah,) acting out sexually.

Does this mean I'm not gonna be able to get & stay clean unless I work through some of those emotions that seem to need the anasthesia? Until I realize what I was acting out to avoid seeing or feeling?

Aarrgh.

Somehow, I will receive enough Heavenly help to get through yomtov without irritation.

That goal is even more important than acting out because if I can RID the irritability, I can probably avoid The Urge to act out altogether. Sad and embarrassing but true.

So far, my clean streak continues.

Briut - your posts are refreshing and gutwrenching at times. At least for me. KOTWYHO!!




(Keep On Trucking With Your Headlights On!) ...hope it's not some spooky kabbalistic Shem or something....

dov wrote on 04 Apr 2010 19:57:

Thanks, Dov.

Over yomtov, I had this image. I'm standing in the basement (min ha'meitzar karasi H'), in the foundation of my house (yesod). I've got all this copper water piping in front of me that's totally leaking, rotten, corroded. The only tools I have are duct tape and a staple gun. Somehow, for all these years I've kept the pipes working without leaks by wrapping more duct tape. The repairs don't meet code (Shulchan Orech) but they work. Somehow I'm now expected to replace all this crazy pipework with something new and streamlined and code-friendly. And I feel like Rumpelstilstkin's captive princess: no earthly way to succeed.

But I'm gonna make it, with some Higher Help. And the clean streak continues.

I read your post over and over again...

looking for some insight I coudl offer.

AH HA!!!

[/quote]

And I feel like Rumpelstilstkin's captive princess: no earthly way to succeed.

[/quote]

you are right there was no earthly way for the princess to succeed!
she used a magic word!

and you can too.

Shoudl I tell you the word, or have you already figured it out???

Its a simple word.


easy to remember!

did you guess yet?



its...



HASHEM!!!!


with love and brachas.

dov in israel

Briut wrote on 07 Apr 2010 03:17:


OK so shutoff the water main in your house...located somewhere before it goes to the hot water boiler.  and now go buy a blowtorach from the home depot/lowes  ($25-) and mybe also the homeDepot do-it-yourself-book.

you will need to heat the pipes, and then apply sodder.  I have once seen it done with old pipes,  and they essentialy flooded the basement, untill all the piping emptied. and then then dryed it with a peice of chalah  (even if it gets stuck in there, it will eventualy wash through the blumbing without getting stuck!)    now heat the pipe till -realy hot- and move the flmae of the blowtorch tot he opposite sife if the pipe you are working on,  make shure you brushed gthe uotside and inside of the copper fittings with a 'burring' tool, and apply the solder.

The laws of the 'capilary effet' will suck th solder into the fitting, leaving you with a slight ring of solder on the outside. (hint: you can wipe the excess with a moist sponge, you don't need it on the outside only on the inside) .      tada a not-so-simple do it yourselfer....


hint: checkep the number of a good plumber b4 you start...just in-case things dont go "as planned"

hatzlacha........... 
BOB the builder    (hey if ssteve from blues clues had his issues...and the head clown for barnum and bailey watched child ---- , even bob can be an SA)             

It seems like an impossible job, right?

But when you consider it, the years you've been trying to hold things together with duct tape have been even more impossible, on so many levels!

So, relatively speaking, this is actually easier. Just different.

I've been working on this image of fixing the plumbing with duct tape.

What I see is that:
a) I can't just hold a "sit-down strike" and do nothing. The pipes will burst.
b) I can't keep duct-taping forever, unless Ch'V that 'forever' is a lot shorter than I'd like.

So, here are some images I can imagine:
1) Search for unexpected assets: maybe the water meter actually has another, switchable output so that I can install new & streamlined pipes and simply click them into place -- but I never really examined any equipment beyond the piping itself.
2) Consider whether there's really a need: maybe those pipes really don't go anywhere at all, so I've been wasting my time focusing on these pipe leaks when I should be looking at whether the end of the piping even matters.
3) building a new, streamlined pipeline out of PVC instead of copper isn't so bad -- plastic is really okay, and a temporary flood to swap out the pipes is really less of a water danger than letting the leaks continue.

Anyhow, this is a pretty cerebral exercise that won't take me very far. It's just that I needed some closure on this recurring image before I could bid it goodbye.

Anyone with plumbing experience around here?

Maybe start using water from natural streams 

guardureyes wrote on 08 Apr 2010 19:55:

Well, I'm starting to wonder if these pipes in my basement are even needed to keep the waters flowing.
Maybe the waters have some other set of pipes to use, and I've been duct taping the wrong stuff.

And I assume you're referring to mayim chayim like springs of Torah, not like shots of Woodford.... Torah probably does keep the pipes from getting corroded .

Thanks, Guard, for sticking with me through the bizarre ramblings. I know I'm making some real progress!