Oy Momo, you sound so down. My heart really goes out to you.

If Im understanding the Zohar correctly, the message Guard is trying to convey is that what you REALLY want in this world, is what you will get in the next. The pain you feel every time you fall is an  indication of what your real desire is - to be kadosh and tahor and be able to face yourself, and Hashem with pride. The shmutz part is just the YH. The REAL you wants so much more. Hashem knows what your true ratzon is, despite the many falls. And He judges the heart, not just the actions. Your heart and soul will lead you to the front row in Olam Haemes, AS LONG AS YOU KEEP ON TRYING.

Please dont give up Momo. You may not feel it, but you really are an inspiration to many of us here. We NEED you.

As for the boredom issue, why not utilize the time to teach yourself something? make a list of what you would love to do if there was nothing standing in your way, eg travel, learn a new profession, hobby, Torah learning etc etc.

Always wanted to tour South Africa? Via the internet, become a 'bukky' on South Africa. Cape Town is beautiful, and there is no shortage of animals to learn about in detail. Ask Ilan. Pretend your going there on vacation and learn as much as you can before you arrive. Better yet, 'explore' Eretz Yisrael.
Like working with your hands? Explore various hobbies and see what 'fits'.
Like snakes? Theres lots of info online. Just do me a favor if you ever decide to buy one - keep it FAR away from me!!!

I know it sounds childish, but Ive seen it work. Open your mind and let it explore beyond the daled amos of your boring work cubicle.

Good luck Momo

7Up,

Finally, somebody with a practical suggestion! I don't think it's childish at all. I've always wanted to travel, but it's hard (money, young kids, etc.). I could try out your "virtual traveling" idea. However, I don't mean to get down on you, but do you really think that would fill the emptiness in my soul that drives me to lust?

I don't really have any hobbies. I'm also very not-handy. I never did anything as a kid except go to school. I grew up watching T.V. as soon as I finished my homework. I'm sure that contributed to me being the person I am today.   

P.S. I hate snakes, so you wouldn't have to worry about that. 

Thanks for trying to help. I really do appreciate it. I think the only solution is to work the 12 steps, which I've started. We'll see what happens.

Im so glad to hear you hate snakes; I like you more already! :D

Im no expert (at anything), but my guess is that much of your lust desire is stemming form pure boredom. A way of filling the hours and blocking your mind from the day to day reality that you are bored with your life as it currently stands. Once you find something to stimulate yourself on an intellectual level, your baser needs will lessen accordingly. I speak form experience.

I once read about an elderly widow, who had always dreamed of traveling. So every year, she toured a different part of the world. At the end of each trip, she immediately began planning the next one. She ordered free brochures from travel companies and tourism offices. She researched each destination; from the weather, to tourist sites, nature tralis, cultural events etc. By the time her 'big trip' day arrived, she knew exactly what she would do each day and even how to get aound. She even learnt some basic vocab for the land!

The amazing part, is that she lived on no more than her social security check! She never left her home. But she was quoted as saying that she was happier than ever before; traveling the world from the comfort of her home!
(I think when her "trip day" arrived, she used to invite her friends over to 'say goodbye', and she would party in the national costume, serve local food etc!)

The best part is she never had her plans rained out this way either!

Why not try it Momo; you have nothing to lose! (And make sure you arrange a sitter for the kids for some of the trips; it's much more fun as a honeymoon! )

The Zohar Hashem showed me for you brings out two points that seem to be amazingly on target.
1) it talks about how every day is a creation by itself and how each day of a person's life will stand before Hashem when a person dies... And you were just saying yesterday how your days are meaningless and you have nothing to look forward to in them...
2) It also gets to the ROOT of the problem, which is that perhaps your lack of motivation in life stems from not being drawn after spirituality enough. When we die, we will be drawn after what we focused our desires to be drawn after in this world. Like you said, it's a scary thought, but it should be a MOTIVATING thought, to get you to want to run after Hashem and focus all your love and desire on spiritual matters...

I don't know. I'm just guessing. This is what Hashem showed me. If it doesn't talk to you, I guess I wasn't worthy to get a more clear answer for you... Which means I might actually have to use my HEAD to answer you. Yikes, that's a scary thought  ;D

Thanks for clarifying the Zohar Guard,

I see I was off the mark too (See; you're not alone Momo). Definitely food for thought...

Thanks Guard. You were clear enough now. You don't have to write a clearer answer.

Momo I feel your pain as iif it were my own. I know what it feels like. Did you see my new thread?
rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=602.0

A interesting thought I had seems to be worth sharing.

The nature of your boredom of sitting at a desk for numerous hours, and the way that you described it, fit into some of the patterns of my life very accurately. It was a chiddush to me to hear somebody complain about the same things that I worry about constantly. Just realising that I'm not alone in this area either, is a helpful step. What I have generally noticed thought, is that participation in the forum, and the results that connect directly to the purpose of the forum (removing lust...) seems to help the boredom at having to work in other areas too. (This is despite my work time being solely for a yeshiva, almost purely l'shaim shomayim (at least according to my bank manager) and therefore theoretically very rewarding spiritually.) Generally having more purpose in life, by removing energy directed towards pointless activity, seems to refocus your ability to be more productive in a useful sense, rather than seeking alternative ways,kosher or otherwise to fill up your time.

Philpher

I just wanted to thank everyone who posted, responded, and sent me private messages yesterday and today. As you know, I've been feeling in the dumps for the last bit, which climaxed in my "cry for help" post yesterday. Due to all of your support, I feel pretty good today. I didn't get much work done (again), but at least I spent my time on this forum instead of elsewhere. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but as they say, one day at a time.

Isn't it funny how I feel you guys who don't know who I am (my real identity) know who I am better than the people who know who I am (my real identity)?

If you're wondering why I have a Superman icon above the "Momo" icon, I decided (at least for today), after reading battleworn's amazing post (in the Torah Approach link), that we are all superheros for fighting the greatest battle of our generation. We deserve to pat ourselves on the back, to pick ourselves up and feel proud of what we're doing. I think sometimes we here get lost focusing too much on the struggle and the falls.

I love you all.
SuperMomo  

SUPER MOMO IT IS!!

LOL.

...and SuperPhilpher, SuperBattleWorn, Super7Up, SuperGuard ....

Super7UP sounds like a new soda brand  - lol

bUt I simply  LOVE the SUPER DUPER MOMO  ;D ;D ;D ;D

Super Momo,

Whatever Happened to Super Efshar Letaken?!

Yeah! I get it, it just doesn't sound right.

I tried saying it out loud and it just doesn't have the flow like the others do.

Ok! I will have to find something that will make me more Super.

How about just being Super without the name? I will try that!

Super EL

Super E.L, Super E.L, Yivorach YisraEL!