OK, so today I said I was going to spend time looking for a different job, thinking of ideas, and sending resumes. It's hard to explain this, but even though I want to change my job so badly, I was so scared before I started looking. Maybe I was afraid that I'd not find anything. Maybe I was afraid my search will result in nothing. Anyway, I was going crazy, and turned to my drugs-of-choice to comfort me: surfing, acting out, and pigging out on chocolate and ice-cream.

After this, I calmed down, and actually spent 2.5 hours looking for a new job.

Now I'm scared again that it's all for nothing, that I'll end up being stuck where I am. I don't know how I can live where I am. It's a great place with nice people and a good salary, but I'm just so tired of this type of work. It takes everything I have to show up each day and do whatever I can at work.

Doing fun things for me, like my new music lessons, makes life bearable, but barely.

At least now I'm too stuffed to binge again on chocolate. And I already finished the ice-cream!

I'm not supposed to get down on myself for acting out, but I feel badly about it. I had 6 clean days, and felt I could have done more. I know 6 days to you guys sounds pathetic compared to 14 days, 30 days, 90 days, but it's better than acting out every other day which I'm very capable of doing.

Guys, How do you put those pithy sayings at the bottom of your posts?

dov wrote on 25 Nov 2009 18:05:


See rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=1169.0, #13.

6 days is a ton. i don't think i can do 6 days even....

lookig for a job is hard work, and it is really really stressful.
you can't expect to change overnight. i kinda think that that's one of the things that R' S is trying to teach you.
getting better is a process, and it's hard.

but now that you did those 2.5 hours, it wasn't so bad, right? and you feel accomplished? focus on that.

habib613 wrote on 25 Nov 2009 19:56:


Aren't you up to 14?
I'm very proud of you, and jealous that you have Rage backing you up. Keep it up!

i still can't do 6 days though

What are you talking about? Aren't you over 14 days now?  ???

yes. but i just meant that the thought of six days is too much, so it doesn't seem like a little.

trying stole my question,
so i'll just move it over here.

how have u been?
is your life being lived?

I've been OK.
Actually had a down Friday. Called Uri having no clue what he was going through Thursday nite, and he gave me chizuk!!
Shabbat OK.
Living, I don't know. Better than before.
I have some reservations and fears which I'll discuss with Rav S. He warned me about this.

How you holding up, Habib the warrior?  :D

This is so pathetic. I surfed all morning at work and acted out.
I haven't changed at all, except I'm doing more fun things for myself.
That's not helping me from not surfing!
I'll discuss this with Rav S. during our next meeting.
Maybe it's a slow process. (That's what Uri told me this morning.)
Maybe it's not working for me.
???

momo, i believe it does work on you.
what are you feeling right now.
after you surfed?

do you feel secure, comfortable, full of trust?
just wondering.

if you do, then no, i don't think R' S. is going to help.

Habib, you still up???

When I surfed, it felt like a comfortable escape from my worries.

Now I feel like a loser that can't control himself.

uh huh.
so i think the key words there were comfort, escape, and control.

wouldn't you agree?

Habib, sorry, I'm dense. What's you point?
Please spell it out for me. 10x