"A fall while on the journey is worth more than a clean day while you aren't trying." So whatever falls you may have on this journey, is still a reason to rejoice - because you are still on the journey! As long as you're still reading the handbooks and trying to explore the NEXT steps that you haven't tried yet, you're still fully on the train!!

Rosh Chodesh is also a time of Teshuva and renewal, as you said: Z'man Kapara lechol Toldosam!!

TOOT TOOT!! CHUGGING AHEAD. Keep inspiring us!

Momo-
I am sorry that you had a rough day yesterday. I am impressed with your attitude towards this fall. Anyone who reads it can see that you have come a long way and are well advanced in this battle. Please keep the honesty and Chizuk coming.

Thank G-d I'm doing well. I guess I tend to post more when you're feeling down. I will try to post on positive days as well

Hi everyone,

I'm not doing so hot. I have (only) 3 clean days so far. I've slipped a lot over the past 3 days, but without falling.

Yesterday I want back to very bad surfing habits, but managed to delete and close up before reaching the point of no return. I realized early on that I would never be satisfied with where I was going (surfing). At least I have that to speak of.

I realize that besides my lust addiction, I'm also addicted to the Internet. For the past couple of weeks I have been surfing (mostly news sites and blogs) for most of my work day and working the last couple of hours just to be able to tell my boss that I got some work done. I'm obviously very concerned about this, but I feel utterly compelled to surf. I've mentioned in the past that I'm very bored with my work, but this is ridiculous! This is not the time to find something else (since there aren't many jobs out there and so many unemployed people looking).

Now I have another addiction to worry about! It's almost too much for me to handle.

I'm so bored with my life! I know that if I got a different job, it would be exciting for a year, then I'll be bored all over again. I feeling like quitting, but I don't know what I'd do home alone unemployed besides act out and fall into a deep depression. That's not an option for me. I simply don't know what to do.

Ideas on how to do a job you have no motivation for, and how to break an Internet addiction?

Regards,
An unhappy and worried Momo

Hi,

I have limited experience in this field so far - other than airing some of my worst lunacies but I just stumbled across your last post and thought I should comment.

I want to post something a bit more pithy, but it needs a little more formulating as yet. Meanwhile, please take chizzuk from someone who is often in the same boat as you have just described and has apparently very similar difficulties.

Hashem Yatzliach Darkecho

May Hashem make your way successful.

Philpher

Dear Holy Brother Momo

I used to feel like you and your sadness and despair has touched me, and I feel for you.  I also used to play with "technical" sobriety, I will look and not touch, but it only made things worse and eventually I was going to act out.  Today my bottom line is any porn / nudity image is a relapse.  A very sober member in SA says, the SA bottom line is "no sex with self or anyone other than the spouse" most people understand that sex with self is masturbation but he says that looking porn without masturbating is sex with self.  The only reason why I would look at a porn image is to get the hit the adrenalin rush - this for me is sex with myself. 

Today I look at the blessings I have in my life and try and get of my pity pot.  You have a job which is a major thing to have in this climate.  Try and imagine not having a job CV and worrying how you will pay your rent / mortgage, gas electric bills, food bills, try and imagine the stress of trying to find a job whilst struggling to live hand to mouth.

My dear Momo, thing of the positive things in your life and thank Hashem for them, see the glass half full.  Your life is classic unmanageability of the addict, work on sobriety and get sober and the answers will come, they always do if we let Hashem back in.  A small challenge to you, please post 10 things that you are grateful for, I will share 10 things that I am grateful right now: 
1. I am sober today
2. The unending and unwavering support of my wife
3. My beautiful children
4. I am alive
5. SA
6. My sponsor
7. My house
8. This forum
9. Bardichev who made me laugh last night with one of his responses to me
10. The weather is beautiful in London

Keep sharing

London

MoMo:

..


It sounds to me that you are in a rut of sorts. It sounds to me that you are not enjoying anything in life. It sounds to me that it will be very helpful to you if you make tikanos, nedarim etc. concerning surfing in general. (except this forum).

You need to find something in Life, preferably something of kedusha that will give you simchat hachaim. There surely must be some kosher if not Torah endeavor that can give you feelings of fulfillment. Cut out the surfing, and fill the time with this.

It is actually to your advantage that you surfed SO much to the point that you see "there's nothing worth while out there. Now you need to use your seichel, and each time you feel like going back to that automatic drive of surfing, your seichel will remind you of the emmes, i.e. that it is NOT worth while. Use your seichel to overpower your automatic drives. Our seichel is really a very powerful implement...if we use it.






  This is really something that only you can know. You can use that boring time at work to "work" on this. Get to know yourself better. Think about your life, past experiences, and see what in the past has given you simchat Hachaim. Your boring time at work can actually become a brachah if you choose to take advantage of it. Hashem has actually given you the time to sole search...and get paid for it!

Thank you "me". You've given me food for thought.

Hello friends,

I don't know what I expect from you all, but I have no where else to turn to. This is my cry for help. I would cry real tears if I could, but somehow I can't.

As you know from my last few posts, I'm feeling that life is an ongoing struggle with the Y"H, empty, and lonely. I wish that I felt fulfilled and genuinely happy. I go through the motions of living each day. I spend hours at work waiting for the day to end so that I can leave and go home. I can't believe someone with a job, a place to live, a wife and kids is writing these words, but I am.

Yesterday I called in to the 12-step program call. This is my last hope. Duvid said it himself, whoever called in is doing this because nothing else worked. My only hope is that this program will work. If G-d forbid it doesn't... I don't even want to think about it. This call, and the few minutes I have to play with my children, are the only things I have to look forward to each day.

As I started, I don't expect any earth-shattering responses from you all. I just had to get this off my chest. I find that expressing ourselves, and coming to terms with our emotions, usually helps.

When I'm up, up very up. when I'm down, I'm very down. And I don't do drugs. 

Dear Momo, sometimes when I don't know what to answer someone, I open a sefer randomly and read. I did that now for you, and these are the words of the Zohar in Parshas Lech Lecha that I saw... It sounds like it is addressing your situation exactly.

I found the text in my computer and made a screen shot of it and I uploaded it to my site for you to see here www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Images/Zohar-Vayera.gif

If you need it translated, it will have to wait until later because I have to work on today's Chizuk e-mail now (or maybe someone else can translate for you).

Be strong, Hashem loves you so much that he answers you directly!

P.S. It has nothing to do with me, it has to do with the Zechus of the person who needs the answer!

Zohar Vayera:

Rebbe Aba opened and said, (Tehilim 24:3) "Who will go up on the mountain of Hashem and who will stand in his holy place?" Come and see, all the people of the world do not see on what they exist in this world, and the days go by and rise before Hakadosh Baruch Hu; all the days that a man exists in this world. For all of them (the days) were created, and they all exist above. From where do we learn that they were created? For it says (Tehilim 139:16) "Yamim Yatzaru - days were created". And when it comes time for a person to leave this world, all his days come close to (come before) the King on High, as it says (Melachim 1:2) "And the days of Dovid came close to die", (and in Bereishis 47:29) "and the days of Yisrael came close to die". Because when a person is in this world, he does not pay attention and he does not look upon what he exists in this world, rather each and every day is considered as if it passed in emptiness.

For when the soul goes out of this world, it doesn't know on what path they will lead it. For the path to go up to the place where the high souls shine, is not given to all souls. For the same way that a person was drawn in this world, so is the soul drawn after in the next world, and to there it is pulled after the soul leaves him (the body). Come and see. If a person was pulled after Hakadosh Baruch Hu, and his desires were after Hashem in this world, then when the soul leaves him, it is pulled after Him (Hashem), and they give the soul a path to rise up above, after the same pull that this person was drawn to through his desire, each day upon this world.

Reb Guard,

I consider this a Moifes.

E.L.

Guard, that was amazingly on target!

Momo, thanks for being the 'pipe' that brought that yesod down to us

Hashem obviously loves you very much to be answering directly like this!

Hashem does Moifsim for us every day, if we just open our eyes to see them!