Momo,
I love you.
-Uri

Uri wrote on 27 Oct 2009 12:22:


I love you too. But I hate me.

I love me too.

So much pain.

A little little boy is crying

such bitter, heart rending cries.

which are spanning decades.

May Hashem dry his tears

and help him feel His hugs.




Momo, no-one deserves a beating, least of all an addict who is ill.
Least of all an innocent little boy hiding in the body of a grown man.
Acknowledge that child and reach out towards him.

7Up wrote on 27 Oct 2009 12:56:


And then do what???
I've hidden him down in a hole for so many years.
Why would I want to confront him. He's weak and helpless.

Sorry 7Up, my question wasn't fair. You're not a psychologist (as far as I know).
I'll work it out with Rav Shlachter if he feels it's the right direction for us to take.

Momo wrote on 27 Oct 2009 13:09:


He is small and helpless because no one ever empowered him and taught him how to survive in a world he saw as out to get him.
The first step in helping him
is to recognize that he is there and alive within you,
that he's hurting
and that you recognize his RIGHT to feel the pain, anger and betrayal
which he's hidden for so long

Once he heals, so will the man who is sheltering him iyH

Duvid Chaim sent some good articles today by Rabbi Twerski (by e-mail). Did you get them Momo?

Got the email with attachments. Haven't read them yet. I'll get to it later.

I don't want to be seen as a nebach on this forum. Maybe it was mistake writing something so personal. Maybe I should delete the past couple of posts. I don't know.
I am so numb now, I don't feel anything.

Don't delete them... they are good... You are getting in touch with your "inner wounded child"... This is a big part of the healing.

You are not a nebach Momo.

Reaching back in time towards the hurt takes strength not weakness.
My instincts say you are finally heading the right direction.
Backwards

It will take time
It will hurt

And then you will heal
And be happy.

B'ezras Hashem

7Up wrote on 27 Oct 2009 14:15:


thats my mom
these are words of truth!!

Momo wrote on 27 Oct 2009 13:45:
Mom's right, you aren't a nebach, Guard's right, you are probably healing, and I hated me also, Momo. Funny how most addicts I meet hate the same guy, no? Ha.
The one, most powerful thing I ever did that changed my entire view of myself, was the fourth step. If done in order and (with help) basically right, living the 1st four steps changed me from the disgusting piece of garbage I knew, to a real, genuine, limited, beautiful human being who is dependent on his G-d and his fellowship for life itself. Nu, not so bad.
Mark Twain wrote that it "amazed" him how in just the three short years that he left home and went out into the world, his father "tranformed" from a stupid old ass, into a genius! You are a good man right now, but that's covered up by sheker because of your old attitudes and ideas. You are a victim in that sense, because you were given many of those ideas by your parents, friends, genes, etc. Get some new attitudes and ideas and it'll be amazing at how quickly you will be "transformed" into the good man that you are. See Ch 5 of AA for more on this, if you like. BTW, you have found a nice bunch of friends, chaver.

By "limited" did you mean "limited edition"?

Where can I get a Dov? I need one here in Israel.

So last night I met with Rav Shlachter. He thought my insights I had (and posted) yesterday were on the mark, but he doesn't go into the past. That's history!   What's done is done. But, what's important is how I feel NOW as a result of my history, and what I can do NOW to rectify it.

If I understood him, I feel insecure and unloved due to a number of events that happened in my childhood. I felt, and currently still feel powerless and helpless. So, I look for control in my life. To feel in control I either get angry, or surf and act out. The problem is since I'm addicted to the internet, when I surf/act out I feel a loss of control afterward. That makes me angry and feel powerless and helpless. Round and round the mulberry bush we go!

The key for me is to feel loved and secure. I must do that by stop being such a loner, by deepening my relationship with my wife, by hanging out with people and making friends outside of work (I have none besides my wife!). Hopefully, once I feel loved and secure, my need to surf will drop, and I'll like my life and myself.

He explained that I'm living most of my life in my virtual reality (I control which relationships I have with which women when I want, I have no real relationships outside of my family, I always dream of escaping with other women or escaping to my death...). Also, I'm living my "non-virtual real life" as a bedieved life, in survival mode. I have to switch that around, I've got it backward.

Also, since I wasn't able to do last weeks assignment and not surf for one week straight, he told me to work on not surfing until lunch and seeing how that works.

This is personal advice for me. Each person is different. But, I hope you all find this interesting, and maybe there's someone out there who feels like me and can be helped with this advice.

In future sessions we'll work on how I can stop living a virtual life as a loner and start really living, with real relationships, and start enjoying life! Beezrat HaShem!

PS. I'm wondering if this at all fits in with the 12 steps or if this approach comes before I should work the steps. The steps are about surrendering to HaShem and building a relationship with him by crushing our egos. Rav Shlachters approach for me seems to be for me to do work on building relationships, and what is fun and feels good for me in real life (not Internet based) so that I can start enjoying life and myself. He doesn't focus on religion and G-d at all, which I like since it simplifies things for me. Dov, any ideas?