Ive also been wondering.
Didnt want to pressure you if youre busy with work.

Just know your presence is missed and we hope youre doing well.
Have an awesome Shabbos!

Moshe, 7Up, thanks for asking.

I'm alright.

After my first meeting with Rav Shlachter, he told me to not stress about the addiction, even to embrace it since it's given me an outlet. After giving him a brief history of my past, he agreed that without acting out I would have gone crazy a while ago. So, even thought he didn't mean this, I interpreted what he said as a "heter", and acted out whenever I felt like it. I acted out a lot last week, and didn't feel too guilty about it. I also stayed away from the forum so as not to focus and think about the addiction too much. I just tried to live, but I see just living the way I want equals acting out a lot (no surprise there). I also tried (as he suggested), to be in touch with my feelings, to understand how acting out makes me feel so I should learn why I do it. It fills an emotional hole I have, but which hole?

Then I saw him again, and we discussed it.

This weeks homework is to not act out, and not to surf the Net more than I have to for work. This is to get me in touch with my feelings of how I feel without it, and to understand why I need to act out, emotionally. Also, the idea is for me to live in the real world and not escape to my fantasy Momo-controlled world whenever I feel like it. So, blee neder, this week (at least until our next meeting) I'll surf news and my email as soon as I get in, then work, email, and GYE only on the Net for the rest of the day. I'm already feeling anxious, and I'm sure it will be a hard week.

Dont tell yourself it'll be a hard week; tell yourself "its going to be an amazing, gevaldig, unbelievable week because finally I'm getting to understand myself. And from this I will heal"

And we will be here to cheer you on or whatever it is you need us to do for you.
For the right price we can all be bought;
cheering you on = 100 GYE points
crying with you = 100 GYE points
yelling at you = 10000 GYE points (this one's expensive coz we have to fight our own instincts here)
looking down on you = 1000 GYE points (see above reason)
share a l'chaim with you = FREE (Bardichev made me write that!) just kidding Bard

There are some things that money can't buy.
For everything else, there's woodford reserve.

wow

Yesterday I passed, but today I failed.

Yesterday morning I was feeling very anxious and called Uri. After we spoke, I felt better, and didn't look at photos the whole day.

This morning I was also feeling anxious. But the difference is I also received a very triggering email. Instead of calling Uri, I felt like I couldn't help myself (I was too curious) and looked at those new photos offered to me by email. Of course I fell soon after.

I can't even go one week without looking at photos. While this morning when I woke up I felt good about myself for keeping clean and not surfing too much yesterday, now I feel disappointed, hopeless, pathetic, and like a failure.

I'll still try to keep myself good until my next meeting with Rav Shlachter, but as soon as I see him I'll tell him I failed his task.

Boo hoo.    >

PS. Please don't write "you can do it". How do you know I can do it? Are you a navi?

Right now I hate myself.
I hate everyone else in the world (besides you guys) for not struggling with this addiction.
I don't see HaShem or feel His presence.
I am now a falling star.
My neshama is shining very dully under a lot of klipot.
I serve myself.
I worship idols (myself and my lust). I kill unborn children. I steal time from work.
I am worse than an animal.
I wish this test was over. I do not think I can pass it ever.
Sorry for depressing you all.

Usually, I'd end my post-falling depressing post here, but hey, I just had an epiphany!
Why do I always post a bad post after I fall? It's like when I tell my wife when I'm depressed that it's better if I kill myself and she finds somebody better to be with.
Pretty kooky thing to say to your wife, no?
Rav Shlachter explained to me that I'm missing feeling loved, (that's why I act out) and I say/write bad things to get my wife (or you guys) to tell me that you love me.
Pretty warped.
If only I could feel loved by not acting out or by not saying stupid things to get a reaction from others. If only I could.

Momo, you're in good hands. Bring your wife with you to Rav Shlachter as well. He specializes in marriage counseling. With his help and insight, hopefully you'll find the missing "love" you seek.

Your depression and admission of powerlessness are the foundation upon which you will build a "new you". The more powerless you feel, the more of a kli you have to real change. Like we brought in yesterday's e-mail from Dov - and also from Albert Einstein: "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them". Something in our way of thinking is going to have to change. And it will, when we are ready. And I can't think of anyone more ready than you.

And Dov posted yesterday a beautiful post over here, but one line really struck me:

"For me, the trap of thinking that I am now more healthy or free than I really am, tends to screw up the growth. Return to earth is guaranteed, the easy way or the hard way."

Return to earth is guaranteed, the easy way or the hard way. - Very deep.

Emes me'eretz titzmach.

Momo, your salvation is near.

P.S. And yes, I love you!!  :D

Momo,
I used to say the craziest things to girls to get them to tell me that they love me.
But I was trying to use their love to replace my own lack of self-love.
How can people love u if you dont love yourself?

Also,as I said to you yesterday,you did not fail.
You are an addict,my friend.
You can't just not mas*** for a week.
He wants you to see how you feel when you go without it.
Follow the emotions,the neediness,etc...
This is not pass or fail.
Life isn't black or white.
Chazal say(gemara in makkos) that every time you say "no" is worth 500 times more than saying "yes"
So Sunday you said no how many times?
And today you said no once?
Whip out the calculator bud!

Love you man
-uri

Here Momo

Regardless

Uri, can you get me the source on that? I'd like to put that in a Chizuk e-mail - or even in the handbooks!

k ill find out for iy'h

guardureyes wrote on 26 Oct 2009 11:06:


Uri,

Are you referring to the Chazal that Midah Tovah Merubah Mimidah Puraniyos, by a scale of 500 to 1?

yes.
thank you kedusha

Today was another horrible day. I wasted almost the entire morning surfing and acting out.
I can't even go 3 work days without surfing. It's my life.
I feel so hopeless.

I feel like I deserve a good beating. I'm being serious, not melodramatic.

I feel like the boy that was emotionally and physically tormented by his schoolmates.

I felt so helpless, and unprotected, and unloved, and angry, like how I did then.

After a few years, I stopped being angry and turned to acting out for comfort, and I haven't stopped since.

I'm seeing Rav Shlachter tonight, and I'm curious to get his take on things.