I definitely suffer from DDS. A few days without my dose of dov and I was really starting to feel it... B"H, I'm feeling that gush of strength fill my soul again! AHHHH.

I'm here to 'fess up.

A couple of days ago, after 13 clean days I went bezurk and surfed to my yetzer's content. I didn't "act out", but that night but I had a wet dream where I remember choosing to perform an unholy act. So, I think this should be considered a fall since I brought it upon myself.

I'm not depressed because at least my falls are of a better nature than before. Before I would fall by "acting out" consciously during the daytime. Now, I'm slipping during the daytime and "acting out" in a dream. While I shouldn't be slipping at all, I believe this is progress.

I've been reading some material given to me by Yaakov, and I have something interesting to post. It's hypothetical and psychological; a way of understanding ourselves and what motivates us. But, I don't have time to write this today. Maybe on Sunday. Stay tuned. I'm not sure yet how to make it practical, but I haven't read all of the material yet; it's quite long. This is just a teaser. Ha ha!

Happy Simchat Torah to everyone!

The suspense is killin' me!
Cant wait to read

Momo, it's truly beautiful to see your growth.... The fact you didn't act out even after viewing all that shmutz is super-human. (Where's that super-Momo avatar? I want it back!) What I am amazed about with you, is that most people in your case would have given up long ago and just left, but you recognize that this is a very strong addiction that has been with you for many years, and you know it may take lots of time to find true freedom from it... You don't give up, and you keep trucking, making slow but sure progress.

Truly amazing!

Momo wrote on 08 Oct 2009 11:26:


Dear Momo,

A Gutten Moed!  I'm glad you're doing well in the aftermath of your fall.  Chazak v'Ematz!

The only statement I would take issue is ". . . to my yetzer's content."  I know what you mean by that, but the truth is that the y"h is never content.  Ever.  If he would be, there could conceivably be a basis to give in to him for the sake of our future holiness.  But, we all know that this would never work, based on the ironclad rule that 1 time is too much, and 1000 times is never enough.  

Momo,
your post made me smile
before when you've fallen you are really depressed.
but after this one,all i see is a renewed strength and going on with life (and a joke or 2)
i really love you man
-uri

Momo, like uri (and everyone else here) i am happy to hear about your 13 days clean and happier to hear the bounce in your post...momo, you CAN do this...chag sameach

ratm

Not to create family jealousy, but there's reason that Momo is one of my favorite! His perseverance cant be beat :D

7Up wrote on 08 Oct 2009 15:32:


OK, here it is: rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=1095.0

OK, I chose to serve myself just now.
It was inevitable. It had all of the ingredients: It's a Sunday, and after a Chag. As soon as I woke up this morning I just KNEW that I would fall.
Well, got that out of the way. Now back to work.
I AM powerless over my addiction.

Momo's loop life cycle:

1. Clean for a week.
2. Get the itch.
3. Feel restless.
3. Look at women on the web.
4. Act out.
5. Fall.
6. Get depressed, feel like giving up.
7. Realize there is no other way. Giving up completely is the doorway to my Hell.
8. Go back to #1.

I'm getting tired of being on the "spin" cycle.  >


GYE's responses which I'm tired of reading only because I wish I was in a time when I don't act out anymore and don't need to get these anymore (no offense to anyone, really. I love GYE and all chizuk!):
1. You can do it!
2. Fell, shmell!
3. You are my favorite because you always bounce back!
4. Falling will just make you go higher next time!

Ok, here's a new one, and I'm saying it with love. You are indeed powerless over your addiction. G-Y-E, Shmee-Y-E, without live group support - such as SA groups, and/or without good therapy (such as Reb Shraga), your chances of getting out of the "spin cycle" are indeed kind of low.

Hey, I'm not making anything new up. It's all in the handbooks...

You're still one of my favorites though

Ive been trying to wrack my brain for an original sincere line and am kinda stuck.
Any suggestions of what you WOULD like to hear? :-\

guardureyes wrote on 11 Oct 2009 14:05:


sound familiar tzaddik?
maybe there's something to it :o

I called Rav Shlachter last night. We spoke. I'm thinking of seeing him once to see how it goes.