Momo wrote on 22 Sep 2009 06:11:
Dov, Guard,
You didn't over do it. I appreciate your honesty and effort to give me practical advice.
You're saying sipping beer and laying off the booze isn't good enough since beer leads to booze. It's cold turkey for me.
I can try it again today even though I wasn't completely successful yesterday.
Dear Momo -
Two things to respond that are not the derech for everybody, but I share this for Momo cuz my heart tells me it may be for him, as it is for me:
No, and...No. I'll explain, be"H...
For me in addiction, staying clean was a
religious struggle. A clean day was another feather in my hat, a good deed, a great mitzva, and - as some here have stated - another feather in the "hat of the Ribono shel Olam". This did not get me any better, though, same as you seem to be saying. It's beautiful to know that a clean day is a kiddush Hashem and gives Him nachas, a tikkun, etc. But
by itself, that did nothing to
change me, and I knew it. It sounds like you are expressing a similar awareness, Momo.
In recovery, things are vastly different. And that brings me to your reiteration of Guard and my posts to you (
#453-ish above).
No, the ikkar of recovery is
not "not acting out". It is about the
rest of what we are doing. Why is it that some of us has had a year or so of relatively clean time while in yeshiva in EY, or wherever? We were
living differently, so we
were different. (Then we went back home and back to the same way of life and the rest was history
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/tongue.png)
.)
As Kedusha has posted many times, the "best way" to guarantee I'll think about lust is
focus on trying not to think about lust. But I'm going a step further, perhaps. In my life so far, the way it works is that I can't struggle with it. I can't struggle with it, even for Hashem's sake. "Hashem ish milchama" means
I am not, in my case. In fact, the steps don't even
mention our drug/problem, besides in #1. So, the way I see it, the way for me to guarantee I'll
keep struggling with it (and losing) is to just keep thinking about
not struggling with it. "Counting the days" is all the impetus
I need to pick up that bat and get back to work struggling (and losing). It happens so fast and so naturally, I don't even realize it's occurring. Then I wake up obsessed and fantasizing. And for years the struggling and the counting were "lesheim shomayim", which doesn't make it right, of course. And it isn't "right" if it doesn't
work.
I have to give the entire mess to Hashem. But how do we
do that?
The answer is to learn how to continuously focus on living right - living for Hashem. And that takes work and is what the 4th-12th steps are all about: getting myself clean enough for Hashem to shine through me. Mainly by reducing ga'ava. The 3rd step - the program's condition for sanity and sobriety - is about
one thing: deciding to live for G-d. Not about
resisting temptation for G-d, and certainly not about
not acting out. And it cannot be done successfuly alone.
Sfas Emes: "v'hyisem kedoshim leylokeichem" - Hashem does not have any interest in his people being "Kedoshim". What He wants his people to be is: Kedoshim
leylokeichem - kedoshim for
Him. Jews for Hashem!
If I am acting out, even occasionally, even just "slipping", my real malady is that
I have slipped back into living for myself. It needs quick correction.
Struggling with lust isn't the solution - it is a symptom of the problem. I'm not even the issue, that is, my "goodness" is irrelevant. I've just got the
wrong employer, that's all. And nothing will "work", because I am an addict. A regular yid can "make it". I can't.
How lucky can a man be?
A well-known vort (see a recent Battleworn post): "Vehaboteyach baShem, chesed yisovevenhu" Even for one who is still a rasha - as long as he attaches himself to Hashem with bitachon in Him, Hashem will connect with him with His love/chesed.
So, sipping beer or not sipping beer is not what the
solution is about. It is about all the other things that we thought were not related to our acting out. Our motivation for living is what matters, not our motivations for acting out. Life gets good in a hurry when we are living for the right reasons,
even if we are not doing it perfectly. The 3rd steps is about a decision, a start. But it has to be real.
A tzaddik said: "pischu li pesach kechudo shel machat, v'ani eftach lochem pesach shel ulam, etc." he said, it has to be like a needle:
all the way through. Meaning: He doesn't ask for perfect, just for
"real".
If you are content with "winning one for the Ribono shel Olam" (between losses for both of you), gezunterheit. That has not been my experience or understanding of the program, or of recovery. At all.
Don't worry, He won't mind you engaging in some enlightened self-interest and leaving the glory of beating the YH to a pulp to others who are more qualified. And there are some, it seems, as you implied in a post. He really wants
you to succeed at living a good jewish life after all, no? The only way I could live was by finally giving up the romanticised struggle,
and getting to work, for Hashem. C'mon. At some point I had to admit that my whole struggle and torture (of about 20 years) was ultimately
all about me deep inside, really. Even though it was cloaked in kedusha, Torah and mitzvos, for Hashem, etc., it was all about me, me me. Eventually I saw I was only fooling myself and that I'd be the star-crossed, tragic loser in the end. They'd be cheering for me at my grave. "What a fighter he was." Wow.
Adon Olam: "Hashem li, velo iroh" - He is for me. And I'm for Him. That is how we approach the Yomin Noraim: E-l-u-l. If He's my banner and my employer, then I have absolutely nothing to be afraid of.
To recap:
No, it's not all about beer vs wiskey, nor even all about staying off the stuff altogether. Long-term sobriety (and I assume that's what you are interested in) is not born solely of abstinence.
(and)
No, "I can try it again" is not necessarily the answer either. If you want a
different life, you will need to start
living differently. The focus cannot be on "stopping the lust" while leaving the rest of your life essentially the same. If the way I eat, sleep, learn, daven, love your wife and kids, see yourself in a mirror (when permitted), and breathe have not changed an iota, I believe the whole thing is B with an S after it. Now, it may take some time, but that change had to be my focus. The sobriety came almost memeiloh - with phone calls and lots of quiet "Hashem help"s all day long, and meetings where is got honest and poured all my garbage and shame out of me and into the light.
So, instead of worrying about slipping a falling so much, how can you change the way you are living the rest of the (50%? ;D) of your life so that it's for Him, or at least for others than you?
I love you, and all addicts.
- Dov