AMEN! It was a great party Momo.

Some suggestions to help you succeed in your commitment.

1) Get your computer into a more open area... Or at least have the screen facing people.
2) Get an Internet filter installed
3) Use an Internet filter
4) Put in an Internet filter
5) Try an Internet filter
6) Find a good Internet filter
7) Look into getting an Internet filter

I installed K9 a while ago. It saves me from the hard stuff, but I found how to see the "lighter stuff".

However, as we say, filters are only good as deterrents, and they can always be broken. The only way to change is to WANT to change.

I remember a while back I wrote that I wanted to change and you asked me if I really wanted to (in fact, I think you wrote that it seems I don't really want to). That post angered me because I felt you were minimizing my effort. But, now being honest, I see that I still wanted to hold on to the lust, just a little bit, as a back up plan when things get really rough for me. So, you were right and although I was trying very hard, I was also fooling myself at the same time. I wanted to change, but not 100%. I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. Now, I really, really want it, and I'm willing to give it up 100%.  

One of the things that impacted me and helped me make this decision is something you quoted in a chizuk email. I remember you had a special chizuk email when 7Up reached 90 days, and you quoted from her. (I'm sorry 7Up if I get this wrong; I can't find the chizuk email now.) One of the things she wrote was that she wanted to stop this so badly, she would even be willing to give up lusting forever. It seemed from the chizuk email that this was the turning point in 7Up's recovery, and enabled her to reach 90 days. This hit me like a ton of bricks because it didn't come from a 20 year old but from a grown woman. I then understood that one has to have that level of commitment before succeeding. Thank you 7Up for this important lesson and for being such a good example for all of us!

GIVALDIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Chizuk e-mail #572 on this page:

Quote from 7Up:

NOTHING is more important to me than Ratzon Hashem. Daily, I daven with all my heart that I should be a source of a kiddush Hashem and for the chance to grow closer. I would do ANYTHING to reach this goal. Even giving up all physical pleasure on every level forever, would be a small sacrifice towards that goal.

That's the quote. (Thanks for finding it.  )

It's even stronger than I remembered. She didn't write "giving up lusting forever" as most of us do, she wrote "giving up all physical pleasure on every level forever." You have to be VERY committed to write that.

Oh, 7Up, it looks like HaShem answered your prayer. You asked "Daily, I daven with all my heart that I should be a source of a kiddush Hashem and for the chance to grow closer." and you've certainly inspired me to get closer to HaShem (and I know many, many others on this site.)

Momo wrote on 17 Sep 2009 11:56:

inspired?
Mom made the shidduch between Hashem and I
the lessons i learnt from her in avodas elokim are priceless jewels
ive never heard the likes of it anywhere before
and ive been by some pretty chashuve people
mom,ever consider becoming a rebbe?

Hi,

It didn't take me very long to brake my promise. I got weak and slipped. Sorry.   >

I had a great R"H. However, today was a let down back at work. I was feeling very tired, hungry, bored, and something at work upset me. I decided to go to an entertainment site and look for photos of women dressed provocatively. (I know I shouldn't have!)

A little voice said to me before "didn't you promise not to do this?", and I answered "it's not a p**n site, many people go here, it's OK." Well, I went to 2 sites like this, m*********d, but stopped myself before falling.

I felt like I broke my promise to you guys. I didn't know what to do next. Had I just shown myself to be a hypocrite? Had I blown my R"H?

Then Uri called me to see how I'm doing. I told him what happened. He explained to me that I should take this in steps to conquer it, not all at once. For example, some sites I go to are outright nudity, while others have women dressed, but inappropriately. So, Uri suggests, start by not going to the worst sites, and once I have conquered those, go for the other sites that are "better".

Your thoughts?

For a lust addict, any provocative pictures are like "sipping gin and tonic" for an Alkie... It really makes little difference how hardcore the pics are. But Uri is right, i.e. he has the right attitude. You can't do this all at once, so if 30 days sounds like too much, how about just until after Yom Kippur - not to browse sites that feed lust? Cuz as long as we're still "drinking", we can't begin to heal. And it doesn't much matter if we're drinking whiskey, wine or beer.

I can try. I see it's harder than I thought.

I guess when I have the urge to visit some sites to stir me up to get me out of my boredom, I should post here instead, even about anything.

Either that, or the KOSHER ISLE!  :D

For example, the Kosher Isle has tons of interesting websites that can keep you amused with silly clips and such, for hours. Here's one example: www.israelnationalnews.com/ChillZone/

Momo,
You did well today.
I must say that I dont know if i agree with guard's post 100 percent.Truth is,i probably just didnt chap it completely.
But it is a great battle strategy to move in slowly,as we discussed.
Lust shmust.You're destroying it slowly slowly.
The whole idea of taking days slowly has its merits,but i think this should go along with a bottom line that u feel comfortable with.
Meaning:forsure dont drop the 90 day idea,and stick to it.every day makes you stronger.
A day of fighting makes you stronger than a day of falling makes you weak.(if you get what im trying to say)
But yea,a red line that you feel is very doable is a great idea for now.
I think porn sites is a great one,if you feel you can handle it.
-uri

Momo wrote on 21 Sep 2009 11:54:


For what it's worth, I agree with R. Guard in the facts on the ground, but agree with Uri in the approach - the pictures just had to go with me. But let's not fool ourselves, the battle lines still won't really get drawn back all the way! We'll still takes looks at people, have euphoric recall, and other stuff, to get relief. But slowly the change occurs and the battle lines do get drawn back. But they have to start somewhere. WE don't change automatically just by cutting out the pictures or even just by cutting out everything. It takes time and it takes work, and it takes a gift from Hashem. It ain't 1-2-3. That's my 2cents.

The extra annoying - but free! - bit, is this: Oh, and it is a bit pushy - not my hormal style, sorry:
I have not met too many folks who did not have to live any differently to get a different life. Meaning, if you expect to actually have a different and better life, a life without the garbage of the L, P, and M-words, you may not be able to live it while remaining in the same shoes you wore last year. Getting Odor-eaters may not be enough. I am not being judgemental, just hearing you and knowing you somwhat tells me this may - may, be what is your missing ingredient. Getting away without this bullet-biting may be a luxury you just don't "deserve," Momo. I didn't, for sure.
Yes, I know the tzadikim teach us that our intentions are powerful, but in my case I had to actually go to meetings, tell my story publicly (in an anonymous meeting, of course), and live my life (a little) differently - as an addict.
I really have nothing more to add. Chochma, support and love you've got aplenty already.
Hope I didn't overdo it.
- Dov

You know, I was thinking about you, Momo (and also MosheF) today, while taking a walk back from Mincha, and I was thinking exactly along the lines of Dov. I asked myself, how can any addict (not specifically you), who has a boring job he doesn't enjoy, and has access to the filth and knows how to get around the filters, how can they expect to start to heal? They may show some control for a few days, but for the long term, how can they really succeed? This is an addiction. We are ill. We use this to medicate all our uncomfortable  feelings. How can we succeed if we don't start really living differently? For many people, this means some serious life-style changes. Maybe their wife found out, or maybe they started joining live groups, maybe they started going to therapy and feeling the "cost" in money and time as well, maybe they installed really strong filters, etc.. etc... But all in all, some major changes have to happen before an addict really has hope. I quoted you in the chizuk e-mail of erev Rosh Hashana. Where you wrote: "Now though, I feel that I really, really want it, and I'm willing to give up the lusting 100%." But we live and learn, we all do, every day. It seems that for an addict, even really, really wanting is not enough. We need action. action. action.

Dov, Guard,

You didn't over do it. I appreciate your honesty and effort to give me practical advice.

You're saying sipping beer and laying off the booze isn't good enough since beer leads to booze. It's cold turkey for me.

I can try it again today even though I wasn't completely successful yesterday.

Momo, what happened to your virtual world cruises? I agree with Guard on this one (I try not to agree with him too much; it's bad for his anava ). But I think that cold turkey without something waiting to fill the hole is too hard. When the urge takes over, then what? If we dont set up an emergency 'escape' route before a  fire, chances are slim that we will be calm enough at the critical moment to start implimenting a plan of action.
Now is the time to plan your escape. The Kosher Isle? Trinidad? (No clue where Trinidad is, so if you decide thats where youre going, let me know which continent at least!)
And of course, theres good ol' GYE, always here to play ball. :D 

OK, the last poem was written from a very dark place.

Here's a different poem, similar, but different, written from a lighter place. But, it doesn't rhyme.  
I kept the same format and a lot of similar words so that you can see the similarities and differences of what our attitude should and shouldn't be.

Ode to myself

All around me I see flesh.
All around me I sense my own struggle.

Yetzer HaRa crushed, our desire for HaShem burning.
All because I am still yearning.

Why don't I feel my growth? I sometimes feel pain.
Sometimes I feel that I'm going insane.

Fighting hard, or hardly fighting?
Confusion. Bewildered. Am I really trying?

Do we live to sin, or do we live for HaShem?
Isn't it obvious which is the better life to live?

So keep on sending me your chuzuk lists.
Because I haven't given up!