Momo wrote on 21 Sep 2009 11:54:
Hi,
It didn't take me very long to brake my promise. I got weak and slipped. Sorry.
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I had a great R"H. However, today was a let down back at work. I was feeling very tired, hungry, bored, and something at work upset me. I decided to go to an entertainment site and look for photos of women dressed provocatively. (I know I shouldn't have!)
A little voice said to me before "didn't you promise not to do this?", and I answered "it's not a p**n site, many people go here, it's OK." Well, I went to 2 sites like this, m*********d, but stopped myself before falling.
I felt like I broke my promise to you guys. I didn't know what to do next. Had I just shown myself to be a hypocrite? Had I blown my R"H?
Then Uri called me to see how I'm doing. I told him what happened. He explained to me that I should take this in steps to conquer it, not all at once. For example, some sites I go to are outright nudity, while others have women dressed, but inappropriately. So, Uri suggests, start by not going to the worst sites, and once I have conquered those, go for the other sites that are "better".
Your thoughts?
For what it's worth, I agree with R. Guard in the facts on the ground, but agree with Uri in the approach - the pictures just
had to go with me. But let's not fool ourselves, the battle lines
still won't
really get drawn back
all the way! We'll still takes looks at people, have euphoric recall, and other stuff, to get relief. But slowly the change occurs and the battle lines do get drawn back. But they have to start
somewhere. WE don't change automatically just by cutting out the pictures or even just by cutting out everything. It takes time and it takes work, and it takes a gift from Hashem. It ain't 1-2-3. That's my 2cents.
The extra annoying - but free! - bit, is this: Oh, and it is a bit pushy - not my hormal style, sorry:
I have not met too many folks who did not have to
live any differently to get a different life. Meaning, if you expect to actually have a different and better life, a life without the garbage of the L, P, and M-words, you
may not be able to live it while remaining in the same shoes you wore last year. Getting Odor-eaters may not be enough. I am not being judgemental, just hearing you and knowing you somwhat tells me this may - may, be what is your missing ingredient. Getting away without this bullet-biting may be a luxury you just don't "deserve," Momo. I didn't, for sure.
Yes, I know the tzadikim teach us that our intentions are powerful, but in my case I had to actually
go to meetings,
tell my story publicly (in an anonymous meeting, of course), and
live my life (a little) differently - as an addict.
I really have nothing more to add. Chochma, support and love you've got aplenty already.
Hope I didn't overdo it.
- Dov