Last night I spoke with Duvid Chaim for 2.5 hours going over my 4th step worksheet. It was emotionally exhausting (especially after having worked a 10 hour day).
I have to think some more about what we spoke about.
However, I'm a "tachlis" guy, and I feel that I left without having much instruction about what I'm supposed to do now.
It's a little bit unsatisfying to bring up all of my "issues" that happened years ago, some of which were quite upsetting, and end the call with the advice "don't judge people", "remember that you're not in control", "start valuing yourself". Sure, this is all true, but how do I put this into practice? How am I supposed to change my outlook on myself and others after living and thinking a certain way for so many years?
Any advice from you guys who've done the 4th and 5th step is appreciated.
Thanks,
Momo
Hi MOMO (and others):
I totally hear what you're saying. I remember my first time going thru the Steps and feeling so overwhelmed. If I was going to "lay it all out there" for my Sponsor, I wanted some healing right then and there.
I'm a Tachlis guy too. Just ask any of my friends what it's like when they ask me to play a new Board Game (like Taboo or Scattorgories). I read and I reread the lengthy instructions sheets. In the meantime, they're yelling at me to just play the d_mn game. And then I ask my friends to explain the instructions to me one more time! I'm sure you can imagine their frustration with me.
Why? Because we all know that the only way we are ever going to learn how to play a game - learn a musical instrument - excel in a sport - drive a car - or yes, even to find recovery from an addiction is to just get in there and "Do It". And then practice and then practice again. It's only thru practice that we can ever learn to master anything in life.
And at the beginning, we have to "Trust." What do I mean trust? Trust is the process of following someone's instructions without having a full understanding of what we have been asked to do. It comes from a place of faith and belief in both the instructions and the instructor. Much like B'nai Yisroel who merited to receive the Torah when they declared "Naasah V'Nishma" We will do and we will hear. And even to this day, how much of Torah observance requires our efforts and practice without real understanding. (No - keeping Kosher is not for health reasons - it's because G-d told us to keep Kosher).
That's why when we are asked to change our outlook on life, the way we view people and the events in our life, the Program tells us to "Work the Steps." It doesn't say - "read the Steps" or even "understand the Steps." It tells us to WORK THE STEPS.
I know I don't need to remind you that this is a 12 Step Program and that you have only completed 5 Steps. Nor do I need to inform you that the next 7 Steps require even more commitment and dedication on the part of the Man seeking Recovery.
So what is it that makes it so hard and unsatisfying for us when we start working the steps? The answer is that we are being raised in the "Microwave Society." We are surrounded by modern conveniences - the microwave oven, the fax machine, email, Skype, and yes even Meal Mart traveling Kosher meals that heat themselves up in a box!
When was the last time you saw anyone bake a cake from scratch? Who's got time to mix flour and cocoa and eggs and oil, then hand stir it to the right consistency; bake it, frost it, etc?? When was the last time you sewed your own clothes? What about working on a clock or a radio that is faulty? Forget it, throw it away, buy a new one. Which version of Internet Explorer do you have - 6.0 or 7.01.03? There's no end to our thirst for instant gratification. I certainly don't have to tell a fellow sexaholic how quickly we can access, view and satisfy ourselves thru the Internet!
So it's no wonder that you have the questions and complaints that you have posted.
But like good wine, wisdom and excellence in any endeavor, it is going to take time - and it is going to take practice - it's going to take patience and lots of it - and it's going to start with trust. I encourage you to read the concluding pages of Chovos HaLavavos - Duties of the Heart; which reveals the "Ten Levels of Trust." In this section, R. Bachya ben Joseph ibn Paquda describes the transformation of a man througout his life; from being an infant - trusting in his mother's breasts to his learning to trust his mother, then his father, then his own strength and skill - until he matures to realize his own health and livelihood are dependent on G-d. And only in the last half of his life does a man have the wisdom and maturity to place more of his trust in Hashem and the world to come. Finally, with his bodily strength failing him does a man have full faith and trust in Ribono Shel Olam and the appreciation that "this world" is just a vestibule to an eternal world!
And we don't have to wait until our twighlight years to learn trust and patience. We can start now. We can learn from others. (Who is a Wise Man...?)
I now, more than even appreciate the wisdom of the authors of the Big Book who remind us on page 72 that our Goal with Steps 4 and 5 is "to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our Creator, and to discover the obstacles in our path."
That my BRAVE MOMO is what you are now doing on this beautiful Journey to Recovery!!
And when you are done, you will recognize the Emes in the 12 Step Program and be Zoche to the 14 Promises as shared on page 83 and 84 - (See below).
"Keep coming back because it works if you work it and you're worth it!"
Duvid Chaim
THE 14 PROMISES:
1) We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
2) We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
3) We will comprehend the word serenity and
4) we will know peace.
5) No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
6) That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
7) We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
8) Self-seeking will slip away.
9) Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
10) Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
11) We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
12) We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
13) Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
14) They will always materialize if we work for them.
