Dear Momo

I have been struggling with euphoric recall today, and reading your post has lifted this from me.  Euphoric recall is where my mind will recall pornography that I have watched in the past and make it seem amazing, the euphoria will make me forget the pain and suffering that comes with acting out.  Reading your post has reminded me that all there is out there is pain, suffering and depression.

What you shared reminded me of what my life was like when I first came into recovery.  I would get into my office at 9am and usually within the first 1/2 hour I was surfing porn, I would spend most of the day at my office (my desk was in a secluded spot) surfing porn and masturbate at my desk.  I would work between surfing!  During my recent relapse which lasted 7 months, I could see that this pattern was starting to repeat itself once again, and the despair was starting to set in - please see my first post on the forum.  The change started when I once again started to call people when I am triggered, if I leave lust in my head unchecked I have no chance of sobriety.  Just this afternoon I was out with my wife and kids and driving home and there were lust triggers all around, I could not pick up the phone in the car, but kept on davening to Hashem “please Hashem help me, I do not want this lust, I cannot do this on my own it is too powerful for me”, I kept on repeating this teffillah until the desire subsided.  When I had the euphoric recall today I davened to Hashem that he should give me the willingness to continue.  Recovery is a simple program for complicated people.  Today I worked steps 1 – 3 to keep me sober, my lust is too powerful for me and will ruin my life (step 1), I cannot do this on my own (step 2) please Hashem help me (step 3).
You write that you cant call Elya as hes in the State and youre in Israel, from my expeirance this is just an excuse, I made these excuses when I first came into reocovery but would not hesitate to spend fortunes on a whim on chatrooms, porn sites and worse.  Today for me recovery is the most important aspect of my life without exception.  My marriage has been so calm the past few weeks compared to what they were a short while ago when I was acting out.

My friend, recovery is possible even though now it seems to you that you are locked in a fortress with no escape, keep coming back, bring the body back and the feelings will follow, listen to the suggestions, keep life simple take small steps in overcoming this addiction, no grand shows of willpower.  When you get into your office tomorrow commit to not surfing till lunch no matter what to whatever it takes not to surf till lunch.

Keep coming back.
London

:'( :'( :'(

Dear Momo,
I have cried for you in the past.  And I am crying for you now. You have already received wonderful chizuk from the wonderful warriors above.  All I want to tell you now is that I feel your pain.  But I know you can succeed.  However, I request from you to PLEASE PLEASE do not give up. 

BELIEVE in yourself. 
BELIEVE that you can prevail.
BELIEVE that you have strengths.
BELIEVE that the yetzer hara has robbed you of your identity.
BELIEVE that Hashem has given you the nisayon in order to succeed.
BELIEVE that you are a worthy soul of great value and great potential.

One small piece of advice.  You may have tried this already, but I figured I might as well give it a shot.  If your addiction is too strong now, and going cold turkey is too drastic, you may have to do the last resort trick.  And that is work on gradual tolerance.  Be Patient and honest with yourself.  Show yourself that you do not have to be so dependent on p**n  and that you really have self control.  You can build yourself up as as you become more and more tolerant to sobriety, build up self confidence and self control.

But of course, READ the handbooks a little at a time.  There are precious gems in those handbooks.  

bs"d

Thanks London, again, for your wonderful words, that help me too so much!

Taireh momo, in that situation you can call me!

To call Battleworn anytime, see the bottom of this page.

Momo, I'm so happy that you "gave up" yesterday on the forum. There's no better way to get a barrage of powerful chizuk than that  ;D

London never ceases to amaze me. His struggle is so intense and real, yet he is doing what it takes with such honesty and determination. We need to all learn from him.

Momo, I was going through old "testimonials" today, and I came across this beautiful post from you:

Yesterday I completed day 13. B"H I had a great Shabbat. Felt great running after the Torah to give it a kiss, and even felt good when shaking the Rabbi's hand.

I'm very excited as I approach the 2 week mark since I don't remember going for more than 2 weeks before falling.

I feel that due to this site and forum, this time will be different. In the past, after making a huge effort and lasting a week or so, I would get so depressed that I would give up for months before even trying again. This time, I'm looking at a long-term life change, not just a short term effort. Also, Chas Veshalom if I fall, I intend to pick myself right up. This is an important lesson that I learned on this site, that even if you fall, you don't lose the credit that you've gained by past efforts. A winner picks himself up after he falls and continues. A loser falls and stays down.

Very well said Momo.  Indeed, you're a winner, and we're rooting for you!

What you said in your post about kissing the Torah reminds me of a very painful memory.

After Yom Kippur, 5749 (I was a Bochur at the time), I was on a high.  I had done Teshuva for my sins of pornography and masturbation, and was excited about going into Sukkos.  Sukkos was beautiful, and I was looking forward to my newly married sister and brother-in-law visiting for the second days.

On Hoshana Raba, my sister called to say that she couldn't make it.  I was feeling down, and fell (masturbation without pornography).  Afterwards, I couldn't believe what I had done - and on Hoshana Raba no less!  I went to Mikvah, and began the process of doing Teshuva.  But, at what was supposed to be a time of great joy, I was weighed down by my deep shame.

Still, I try to be resilient, and I decided to go away for the second days of Yom Tov.  On Shmini Atzeres, the Shul I was at did brief Hakafos at night (as do some Shuls in Chutz La'Aretz).  One man who knows me, was kissing the Sifrei Torah with his Talis, and he touched his Tzitizis to me and kissed them, as if to imply that I'm a walking Sefer Torah.  Ouch!  What he intended as a compliment (a ridiculous compliment to be sure) was especially painful in light of my terrible downfall just hours earlier.

Memories such as these remind me that I cannot return to the ways of my past.  They are much too painful.

Kedusha

Your story of the mikvah reminded me of one Erev Yom Kippur whilst I was in the heat of my addiction, I had gone to mikvah and been to shul to daven mincha and cried my eyes out during Vidu, I made kabbolohs never to do this again and was looking forward to davening Teffilas Zako, I am not sure what happened after mincha but before the Seudoh I ended up masturbating again, and felt so low and disgusted with myself, and decided that I had to goto mikvah again, my wife thought I had gone mad, (which I had).  Now I smile at these stories, these big shows of willpower and big kabbolos and big crying during Yom Kippur, were not the answer.  If I examine my Teffilas of those times I was saying to Hashem please fix me, please make me well, but never willing enough to put down my drug or put in the effort, so of course these Teffilos will not work.  Now I daven to Hashem that I cannot do this without His help, I daven that the addiction is to powerful for me please help me ovecome my struggles, these are the Teffilos that Hashem has been wainting for.

London

guardureyes wrote on 08 Jun 2009 11:04:


R' Guard, my first thought when I saw that was to look at me and think that I am so amazing,  but the truth is that I am not amazing or unique at all even though my addiction wants me to feel that I am special.  I cannot do this alone without the help of my SA group and the people I call on a regular basis and without this amazing forum I would have no chance.  I am just following the example set by all the warriors who have gone before me, they are the amazing ones.  The Tzadikim on this forum who post regularly and give me strenght are the amazing ones.

Dear Momo

Isolation is the breeding ground of addiction, as I wrote above on my own I have no chance, have you considered going to an SA meetings there are meetings in Israel and I know many people who go, in fact out of all the meetings that I have been to, the English meeting in Yerusholayim is one of the strongest and most powerful meetings I have ever attended.  You can also email me at any time I am on the GMT time zone you are 2 hours ahead so could respond fairly quickly, binyomin25@hotmail.com

Dont give up and keep coming back,

London

Dear

My invitation for you to write to me is always there please use it.  You have also given me a tremendous amount of chizuk to keep going, as I am sure you have given others, in your determination to sucseed.  I know people in the Israeli SA I do not mind giving telling them that there is someone out there who is wating to join.

Keep coming back

London

London, you a have a very strong point here. We have to Daven that Hashem should help us on HIS terms and not on our foolish terms.

But I think it's also very important to realize that those tefilos did in fact help. Because every effort that we invest brings us closer to the yeshua. It's through all those efforts and Tefillos, that you were eventually zocheh that Hashem opened your eyes and led you to the truth.

London - so true.
Battleworn - EVEN TRUER!

Momo Tzadik, 

When a "Gentile" becomes a "Jew" he is changing a level, so too - lehavdil, the 12-Step groups can help us go from "animal" to "human". That is also changing a level. So it is no wonder that you have to be really determined to join before they let you. Not because they are being mean, but because your determination is the biggest sign that you are ready to change LEVELS.

Hi everyone,
I've been away from this for a week since I've been posting here. If you have been following my working through the GYE handbooks (rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=536.0) , you'd know that after having gone through tools 1-6 of the handbook, and all of the attitude book, I summarized what I felt were the basic "commandments" I need to follow to break my addiction. Here they are:

Commandment #1: Fill my day with chizuk
Today I'll read through the GYE handbook when taking breaks at work instead of surfing around. I'll read and responses to other people's posts and to my posts, and get chizuk from them.

Commandment #2: Remind myself of my addiction
I am addicted to lust and it overtakes my life if I don't try to control it, and that I can't control it all by myself.

Commandment #3: Strengthen my belief in Hashem
I believe in Hashem who will help me with my battle. I also have a circle of friends here on this forum who are helping me.

Commandment #4: Make Hashem's will my will
   * In matters of anger and control: I believe that Hashem controls the world and it's outcome. Therefore, I will try today not to get angry when something happens against my will. I have a natural tendency to want to control my life, my environment, and other people's lives. I will try to learn to stop fighting and let You, Hashem, run the world the way You see fit. I need to learn to accept myself and others.
   * I matters of lust: While I will try today not to give in to any of my desires that are against Hashem's will, however, Hashem, You are only one who can relieve my addiction. Please take it away from me!

Commandment #5: Remind myself why I must remove lust from myself
I have to stop lustful emotions as soon as they start by reminding myself that I WANT to let myself go of the lust, because of the following:
   * Pleasure is fleeting, false fulfillment, and cuts me off from the world and doesn’t let me feel the tremendous kindness of Hashem, doesn't bind me to the goodness in the world, makes me lose appreciation for my wife and children and be unable to find inner peace.  I remain closed up within a shell.
   * Happiness is ever-lasting, real fulfillment, reconnects me to the world, makes me feel the tremendous kindness of Hashem, see the goodness in the world, helps me gain appreciation my wife and children, and find inner peace.

Commandment #6: Break up the day, be happy
Today I'll be happy. I'll break the day into 3 segments: morning (when I wake up until lunch), afternoon (lunch until I get home), and night (when I get home until I wake up). For every hour, and especially after every segment I stay clean, I will be happy about it.

Commandment #7: Guard my eyes
Today I'll guard my eyes in the office and on the street. I will use my filters to guard my eyes on the internet. When I feel weak, I'll try to read from the GYE handbook instead of trying to bypass my filters.

Commandment #8: Make fences
   * Today I'll not touch myself.
   * Today, when I feel like acting out, I won't. I'll wait 10 minutes, sitting or walking around if need be, and by then the lust will have passed.

Commandment #9: Doven better
Today I will direct my energy and spiritual vigor into my prayers. Today I'll focus on davening with more kavana.

Commandment #10: Love, not lust
Today I will treat my wife with love, not as an object of lust.  I will work on understanding and living the difference between love and lust.

----------------------------------
Well, last night, I'm disappointed to say that I fell. I fell because I broke commandments 7 and 8. I fell because I started looking where I wasn't supposed to, and then touched where I wasn't supposed to, and then didn't use the 10 minute cooling off period. Although I have a filter at work, I don't have one at home. I have been kidding myself that I don't need one since I hardly log on at home anymore. Well, last night I logged on. Believe it or not, I actually didn't fall by going to a p**n site, rather I found an attractive photo of an attractive woman on Facebook.

Last night taught me the following:
1. I have to cancel my Facebook account. It's really a wast of time anyway. The only reason I've been keeping the account is to see what's new in my friend's lives, see new photos of their kids, and have all of their email addresses in one spot. So I'll be "out of the loop". I'll miss someone's birthday. I'll miss a cute photo of a kid smiling. It's NOT worth it if it's going to trigger me to fall. I'm too sick to be on Facebook.
How ironic, that in the heat of passion I forgot the halachot I posted just yesterday, especially the last one:
- It is forbidden to look at a woman if she is dressed immodestly.
- If we know of an area where immodestly dressed women are present, it is forbidden to enter this area.
- It is forbidden to have thoughts of desire for any woman.
- It is forbidden to derive pleasure from looking at the beauty of a woman, even if she is modestly dressed.

2. I have to explain to my wife the extent of my addiction, and convince her that I need to install a filter on the home computer, even thought she uses it too and it will inconvenience her.

---------------------------
I also learned a number of positive things:

- Even though my last clean streak was "only" 6.5 days, it felt like a long time since I was really battling it out. I felt that I really advanced in my overall war with the Y"H, and even though it's disappointing I lost one battle last night, I won many battles over the past 6.5 days. I've been thinking that it's a good idea not just to count how many clean days we have in between falls, but why not count also how many times we beat the Y"H!

- If I stick to my "commandments", I don't think I'll fall again. I really think that they are doable too, as long as I stick with them!

- I would have never written my "10 commandments" had I not fallen in the past (of course, you could argue that I wouldn't have had a need to). Also, I wouldn't be committed to deleting my Facebook account and installing a filter on my home computer had I not fallen last night. So I'm starting to understand how we can use falls to raise us up to the next level, as long as we don't allow the fall to drag us down, but rather to motivate us to gather our strength and move upward. If we use falls to raise to the next level, it's easy to understand how our sins turn into mitzvot, since the sin motivated us to do another mitzva. This is a concept that was hard for me to understand in the past. I'm beginning to understand it now.

One of Hashem's truest and greatest warriors is being born in front of our eyes Chevrah! If this doesn't inspire someone to change, I don't know what will!

Momo, you are not just writing "comments" on the handbooks, you are truly internalizing them. Especially Principles 23-30 of the attitude handbook!

It is really something to watch a beautiful butterfly emerge from his cocoon. You are using the fall exactly how Hashem wants you to.

You have grown a lot in the past week. Please keep it up and take us all with you!