Dear Momo,

First, congrats on not falling.

I recently bought a copy of "The Garden of Emunah" by Rav Shalom Arush.  I only read a few pages, but I suspect you may find it helpful (I read his book on Shalom Bayis - "The Garden of Peace," which I found to be quite helpful).

As for the health issue you are facing, depending on what the issue is, there may be a lot you can do about it with proper nutrition and the right dietary supplements.  The problem is that most physicians know little about nutrition and dietary supplements, so you would need a good health practitioner who does.

Point #1
When we act out either:
- We believe in HaShem up to a point. We say to Him "Don't look." which means "I am not as afraid of you as I am of people (about being found out)." We put HaShem in out pockets, pulling Him out when we need Him and putting Him back when we don't want to follow Him.
or
-We use HaShem if we pray to Him to help us lust successfully while we're acting out. In this way we act as masters of the universe, trying to out-master HaShem!

Point #2
One should never pray for ourselves, that's selfish. Instead, we should pray for others. If we need something, we should see how that item will help others, and then ask HaShem to give it to us so that we can help someone else.

I'm feeling very tired and a bit sad today. The G-dly inspiration I had last week is gone, and I now feel empty inside. I've been slipping a lot over the past couple of days.

Sorry to depress you guys. Even Momo feels down sometimes.

I'm having a hard time "seeing" HaShem around me.

My prayer for the day: "HaShem, please open my eyes to see You, feel You, and fill up my empty vessel with You!"

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OK guys, I fell after 14 days. (I don't know if the last 2 days even count since I actively slipped so many times.)

Time to move on and continue onward!

Chevre, acharai!

Momo, it's great you keep honest with us all and get right back up. It seems to me you are holding at tool #7 in the GYE handbook, but if this proves not enough - you might want to just BITE THE BULLET and move on to tool #8 - which is making a push to 90 DAYS - NO MATTER WHAT YOU FEEL - even if you feel you're gonna die. This takes a leap of faith, but it's well worth it. Once you hit 90 days, your mind has "given up" on lusting and you will feel so much more free!

Reb Guard, interesting since I thought I was on tool #12 with my posts (helping others) and especially after joining Duvid Chaim's call (tool #11).

I don't think I can do 90 days.  

I was also thinking, isn't it hypocritical for me to post chizuk and helpful hints to others when I can't even help myself? I write so much beautiful stuff but when push comes to shove, I don't even follow my own advice. Once I'm in the "shlung", my brain turns off and I just surf.  >

A very humbled,
Momo

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Tomim's right Momo! It's davka those who keep pushing and falling and pushing that end up getting the BEST experience and offering the BEST advice!!

That's why your advice is so precious and I keep sharing it with everyone in the chizuk e-mails. Because you are a real addict and your struggle is so real and your determination is so real and you recognize the nature of the disease!

And about the 90 days and tool #7, I didn't mean you shouldn't be doing tools 11 and 12... The tools are not all chronological, I am just talking about tools #7 and #8. Your pushes for purity and subsequent falls over the past few months show that you are working tool #7 very well. All I'm suggesting is that you might be ready to jump in - and I mean REALLY JUMP IN - to tool #8, and decide that life-or-death you are going for 90 days!

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I fully relate to the feeling of being hypocritical. However, within all of us there is Cachmah (wisdom) to reveal the light of the Torah and rather than being in the shadow of Hashem, we will merit to reflect the radiance of His Shechinah.

To do this, we must live torah which means that studying is not enough, we need to share, to explain and to provide insight and inspiration for other people.

So keep learning and teaching us from the wisdom of Torah from within!!

Momo wrote on 04 Aug 2009 11:40:


People in these situations often get confused who the "real" self is.  Is the external self the real one or is the one who does terrible aveiros behind closed doors the real one.  We like to convince ourselves that the real self is the one behind closed doors, and the one on the outside is a fake.  We are FAKING the world.  But this is not true.  Because, when do we feel like our true selves?  Usually, the self on the outside is the one that brings satisfaction.  When we are with other people acting as role models, etc.  So the fake YOU is the one behind closed doors.  Remember this.  Realizing this, will help you catapult out. It makes it much easier to simply shake off when we remind ourselves, "that is simply not me.  How could it be that I am doing this.  It makes no sense." 

So, who is the real MOMO.  Is the momo that surfs away the real momo?  Or is the momo that talks about deveikus, offers solid advice and inspires,the real momo?  I think WE will all know the answer.  One of the ugliest tricks of the yh is to rob us of our true identity.  Not only does he get us to sin but he then convinces us that we are worthless beings.  We are hypocrites.  Our true self becomes more and more hidden making recovery that much harder.

There is a well known principle in Jewish thought that a yid that sins does not realize his own self worth.  The Rabeinu Yona tells us that the first step in avodas hashem is realizing who you are.  When we realize how precious we are, and we realize that aveiros do not mesh with who we are, the fight becomes that much easier.  The strong yetzer hara simply begins to melt away.

So, Momo, realize your true self allow it to shine forth.  We saw it once.  And we will see it again.

Do not listen to the lies of the yh who tells you that you are hypocrite.  You are not a hypocrite.  You are just a struggling addict seeking recovery. 

Lover of all Jews,
Yaakov

Momo wrote on 04 Aug 2009 11:40:

Dear Momo,
These words are actually the most precious words I ever hear out of the mouth of an addict: "I can't...what do I do now?".
What? :o
Well, I can't do it either.
But I am sober today, anyway.  ???
As long as we just say the words: "I need Hashem's help" but still actually believe we can really do it on our own, we are like RSHB"I going into the cave - with a few sandwiches just in case. He wouldn't have been RShB"I, would he have? This is the one area where I am forced to see I actually need real bitachon. Not ideas, words of Torah, nor inspiration. Just, simple, bitachon. And it flows slowly out from recovery onto the rest of my self into work, relationships, everything. And I owe it all to "falling" badly enough to finally reach for it. Stranger that fiction.
Many of us don't need to come to this point, it seems. Perhaps their emuna is deeper. I don't know. But they do appear to get better, B"H. All I know is that the program was not made for people who felt like they could stop, but just need a hand. They are invited, of course. Rather, it was made specifically for people (and by people) who realized they are actually hopeless. The very ticket is purchased when we realize: we can't. And, the more impossible it seems, the easier the recovery turns out to be. I have seen this many times. Now we can take the steps fresh, no? It's an elevator in a bldg w/o stairs. Oy, I'm afraid of heights....nu, there are a lot of folks in the elevator with us...some are tzaddikim, some are not, but all are like brothers.


Like reb Ykv wrote you, you are a yid and a struggling addict seeking recovery. That's pretty good right there. You can say shelo osani goy and mateer asurim w/a bigger smile tomorrow morning. Consider really trying it, OK?
I'd like to add that I doubt it really matters whether you are a hypocrite, or not. Everyone has faults. Better be a sober hypocrite, no? I know guys who are sober for years and still admit that they are hypocrites. They are also working on being honest. I trust them more than I do many other people. Go figure.
Later you can work on the hypocrisy. If posting the beautiful stuff may help you, I say go for it!! It seems to be helping other folks here, so actually, the heck with you, do it for them! And just admit you do not follow it all and ask Hashem to help you follow it too! READING THAT'D BE SOME CHIZZUK WERE WE ALL NEED IT!!!
We love you like crazy Momo! (and we know crazy!) :-*

Momo, how can I thank you for bringing out these precious, precious words from yakov and Dov?