Well, at least you can never blame me for asking you not to ask act out, use lust, post, or anything else, really. I am with Dr S on this. Getting caught by my wife didn't stop me. It was just a stepping stone till I finally had enough about a year later.

Captain Kirk. He had a "double" once, cuz he went back in time. But all was OK - as long as the two never, ever met, c"v. If they did, the entire time-space continuum would be ripped asunder, l"a.

If you are anything like I was, you have two Momo's. (hey mo-mo, like l'va-vecha!) You do take care never to allow the two to ever meet. Only a "third party" can get the two together in the same room. Someone who already knows either one of your personae well, and then discovers the second one. That person is going to rip your personal time-space continuum asunder.

And that is still not the answer, as in my own case. But it was a start.

Best wishes to you, your wife, and all of us.

Momo wrote on 17 May 2010 13:39:


I mean as motivation to get different help of get a different mehalkach. The intrinisic motivation to stop I think - is always there...as momo mentioned. I'm saying, alst givbing up

It's a problem with us addicts. We're so self-absorbed, we think NO ONE ELSE has the same struggle we have - "IT"S SO MUCH WORSE FOR ME than anyone else."

"How can you ask me to stop lusting? It's too powerful! You guys more than anyone should know this."

Momo. You're right, WE ALL KNOW THIS. And many of us HAVE stopped lusting, to varying degrees. AND IT WAS JUST AS POWERFUL AN URGE FOR US!! Are we stronger than you? NO WAY!! i've read your thread, remember? The strength of will, the GEVALDIKITE excitement with REAL life, your desire for purity, you have that within you, you've prooved it before. The difference, the ONLY difference, is that they white-knuckled it for just a little longer till they got over the first big hurdle.

Withdrawl is very hard, I know. I've gone thru it, and it's a bumpy ride. But in the 12 steps we learn to focus away from ourselves, our pain and fears, and refocus on others. When we really think of our wives and kids first, and focus on building those relationships thru honest caring and sensitivity, WE GET HAPPIER cuz the resentments and fears fade away. The GOAL is to learn to accept hashem's plan for us and to find contentment each day. We do THAT, and the urge to lust starts to go POOF. There ends up BEING LESS TO WITHDRAW FROM.

you CAN do tis Momo. YOU'RE WORTH IT. Your wife and family are worth it.

Kol Hascholos Kashos. But when you start, you're gonna ROAR again!!

have a GREAT YOM TOV, my dear old friend.

Hello MOMO.

First of all, I don't understand why you used an asterisk to write the word "darn."  It's not healthy to be so machmir (unless you were born into it, or grew into it over a LONG time, like 35 years of work).

Now you've mentioned something new (unless I missed something before).  "An emotionless relationship with your wife."  I know everyone likes to recommend Garden of Peace, but have you ever read "Men are from Mars and Women are From Venus"?  (My chosson rebbi, of a very charedi yeshiva, recommended it).  When I first dated my wife, it flopped.  Two years later (or one year, I forget already) we were re-introduced; mutual friends insisted.  In the mean time we had both read "Men are from mars etc."  It was worth the read.  Maybe read Garden of peace AFTER you get the hang of this book.

Can't hurt.  Might even help.

(If you can't get a hold of it, I'd be happy to lend you my copy.)

It may not be THE answer, and certainly not the WHOLE answer, but it might be a step in the right direction.

Also, if your relationship with your wife in unfulfilling, and probably frustrating instead, no matter how many clean days you can manage to count, you're just a walking bomb waiting to blow up.

Unless I misunderstood, which is often the case.

Besides that, I can say WORK WITH WHAT YOU'VE GOT NOW!

Forget that once upon a time you had so many clean days in a row.

That's not where you are now.  For whatever reason.  And who gives a da*n what the reason is.

;D

So you're looking at p*rn 90% of the time.  So pick 2 minutes during the day that you won't surf, no matter what.

Maybe you've been jumping in too deep all along?

I don't know.

Figure out where you're REALLY holding, and build from there.

Be well,

  --Eye.

...I'll also add...

I saw once part of the Vilna Goan's commentary on Mishlei (but I forget where this piece is):

He comments on the statement of Chazal which, to paraphrase, says, "Whoever comes to purify himself is given the Siyata D'shmaya to be successful."

The Vilna Goan adds--this ONLY applies to someone who works on himself step-by-step.  BUT if someone tries to skip steps, he won't have Siyata D'shmaya.

And, I'll add:  Probably if a person is working on the WRONG problem, or is working on a little branch (or even a big branch) instead of the root of the problem, he won't have Siyata D'shmaya.

So, even if it seems harder and scarier to dig up the REAL problem, it will actually be easier to heal that way--we'll have Siyata D'shmaya for it.

I'll also add, that sometimes working on a branch is a good start, and not at all a waste (It's called "trial and error," not "trial and success.").  At first, how are we supposed to know what the real problem is?  But, after we've hacked away for some time, and the da*n ( ;D) tree is still standing in our way, and the BRANCH hasn't even gone away, so then maybe we've got to look a little deeper (or at least a little differently) to uncover the root of our problem.

I just deleted two months worth of photos and videos I collected. I actually screamed while doing it.

On one hand, I'm tired of feeling like a hypocrite, watching this stuff. But on the other hand, I feel that I need it so badly, it's my drug of choice...

MOMO!!!

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, BUDDY!!

NOW WHAT?

Now, try to get out to a book store and reward yourself with a NEW SEFER or lots of other good, healthy things to read and look at:

When you don't have the koach to learn from a sefer, there are some BEAUTIFUL picture books of natural wonders of the world, animals, pictorial history of the world, Landscapes of Eretz Yisroel, etc. (Time-Life and National Geographic publishers). This can give you an uplifting awareness of meiseh Borei.

Like Mysteries?  - go get the COMPLETE SHERLOCK HOLMES by Arthur Conan Doyle. We're talking HOURS of mind enhancing entertainment!

Want to sharpen you perspective? Pick up a "What's Different in the PIcture?" kind of puzzle book (Time put out a good one).

If you have extra time at night, maybe you're handy - you can build a birdhouse to enhance your back yard as a present for your wife and kids, maybe make it a family project that the kids can decorate or paint.

Get some nice Story books about Tzaddikim and read an inspirational story each day, or at least on Shabbos, to the kids. Talk about it afterwards, let them know why you value that story. You'll find they'll eventually want to emulate your heros, and you'll feel good that you inspired them. And feeling good about yourself will push out your perceived "need' and "dependancy" on these other images and videos. Who needs false joy when you can have the real thing?

Oh, Momo, I am SO THANKFUL I just saw this post of yours. I'm gonna go to bed grinning from ear to ear. Thank you!!

Shkoyach Momo!
The fact that you took a step is great!
I know (and knew all along) you have it in you!

Welcome back MOMO,

Welcome back

Welcome back

Welcome back.

  --Eye.

Good Morning, Momo, Ma Main Man.

Have a great day. If you feel like you're in withdrawal, please remember it's a normal, passing phase that gets easier in a few days. Distracting yourself with music (audio only, please) is a great tool. Best to choose the quiet and relaxing, tho, not the acid rock with enticing lyrics.

Hang in there, my dear friend. We're all rooting for you!!

Eye.nonymous wrote on 19 May 2010 21:43:


I really recommend [to Momo and everyone additionally] this book as well.

If they say wisdom among the goyim, you can believe it.

mekubal

Thanks guys. I'll let you know how I'm doing. Thursday through Shabbat were good.
Sunday's usually a hard day for me.
But, my spirits are high, and I'm determined to try to stay on top, again...

Momo - You're the BEST, u Know that? Really.

BTW, chocolate syrup tastes REALLY good when poured on one's knuckles.

Does that mean we deserve the title of "brown knucklers"?

I'm nor eally sure about this.....  :o

Well, i'm sure of ONE thing...

GMG!!!

Cheering you on Momo!

Btw, how are your music lessons going?
Seems to me that a wind instrument or drums would be perfect for scaring the YH away!
Show him what youre made of and blow him to smitheeeeens!

7Up wrote on 30 May 2010 08:46:


Mom is missing the best ingredient.

The YH is also the maalach hamovies - oh, i mean maves, well, same thing really...

Anyway, so someone once asked a man who was over 100 years old what his secret of longevity is. He answered "Onions."
"Onions?" asked the interviewer.
"Yeah sure, lots of onions. Raw ones. I eat 2 with breakfast, 2 with lunch, 2 with dinner, and another 4 before going to sleep."
"Well, how does THAT help?"
"Ya see, this way i'm always prepared. Any time the Maalach HaMaves comes near me, calling 'Yankeleeeh.... Yankeleeeeh.....?', I turn and say with a loud breath right in his face:
"WHOOOOM are you looking for?!"

So, Momo, if you wanna chase away the YH, go with either a lot of onions or a lot of garlic.

Ok, it won't help you with your other relationships...

For THAT, you're gonna have to do it the GYE way, and forget the bulb veggies.

Sorry...