Momo wrote on 01 Mar 2010 10:50:


You were clean for 5 days!  AND you're just picking up and starting all over again.

Great great great.

5 days clean, lets see, that's 120 hours, another day was what - 1 hour of slips that led to a fall, so that's 23 good hours, well, if my math teacher was correct that comes to 143 clean hours vs. say 1 shmutzy hour, that's a 143:1 ration, which is less than .007 % of bad moments to good.

Are you gonna stress out over such a small mistake which you already regret? NO WAY!!

GMG!! Keep that horse TRUCKIN!!!

Momo wrote on 02 Mar 2010 09:45:


Think hard.  Think deep.

WHY DID YOU FALL!!!

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING PRIOR TO YOUR FALL--for the hour before, for the day before, maybe for the week before.

And THIS is what you have to fight.

NOT THE FALLS!!!

THIS is what you have to change.

DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE!!!

(I think you do!!!)

The falls are just a symptom.  It's not our real sickness.

And don't post--I had a fall, I stayed clean.

Post,  I had a crummy day.  I wanted to act out.  BUT THEN I REALIZED that I don't have to act out just because my boss is a jerk...

or something like that.

Make any sense?

Momo wrote on 02 Mar 2010 12:22:


The Holy Sefer, Noam Elimelech from Rav Elimelech of Lizensk writes that Yaakov Avinu's attribute was that of Tiferes, meaning "Awesome Beauty". This implies that Yaakov Avinu had the ability to be awestruck by G-dly beauty in all he saw. For example, the Noam Elimelech continues, "When a person eats a tasty food, he should say to himself, "if this food is so good in taste, is it not obvious that all the good and pleasantness is to be found in the Creator--may his name be blessed--without any limit or boundary!"..."and this is the secret of the Pasuk "and Yaakov kissed Rachel".

How uplifting and beautiful it is to try to apply this midah of Yaakov Avinu to ourselves. Whenever we see something that turns our hearts to sexual desire, we need to tell ourselves, "If this woman is so beautiful and I desire her so much, how much more beautiful it must be to connect with G-d, who is the infinite source of all beauty, pleasantness and pleasure!”

Momo, I had your question in mind today in Chizuk e-mail #722. See "Misinterpretation" part 1 and part 2.

What do you think?

Momo wrote on 02 Mar 2010 12:22:
First of all I Luv Momo. Second, whaddayamean it's not natural for a guy to want treif? If he's used to treif, he wants more treif - we all have favorite foods, favorite restaurants, etc. So do the treif guys.
Third, who said that G-d expects us not to appreciate gorgeous women?! But what is pretty, really? Yeah, it implies sexual activity for the "guy" you refer to, but isn't the beuty in any woman an apportionment of G-d's own beauty? If not, then where does it come from? Have you ever cried listening to Motzart, seeing a child laugh, or feeling true love for your wife, or even a friend? Where do these things come from if not from G-d Himself? The beauty is real. I believe it's G-d's. So why go for the girl if we can go straight for the G-d? She is a spark, a shadow of His seductive and incredible beauty. This is clear in the s'forim. One who has a relationship with Hashem eventually lusts for closeness and attachment to Him with a constant preoccupation. The RMB"M says this clearly in the befginning of H' Yesodei Hatorah. He says the lust for Hashem in the mitzvah of Ahava (one of the six constants!) is like the lust for a woman that can fill the mind of a man all day long!
It boils down to what you/I really want:
I can keep running after (the joke) of an image of a woman I know, a woman herself, a porn image, a fantasy - what will I get? Think a few through to the very end: the woman I may want has her own will and life, necessarily, including parents, brothers and sisters, body odor...sorry...and won't always put me first (except as long as it takes to get me interested and devoted to her, perhaps)... as much as that's the fantasy we all crave....the pretty (paid) image on the screen or paper will only grow into more powerful and advanced lusts within me clamoring for enactment - till I cross that next boundary that leads to - what? What end? Will I leave my wife? And if I respond in my heart "hell yes, I will", then where will that get me? To whom? To that true, me-adoring love of my life that will finally satisfy the lust I have forever? Really?
I have thought this through in years past, always to the bitter end. Do I really want to get old with this shiksa? I will, of course, one day....so will she. Will we take care of eachother as all old people are destined to do? Is that my joy? And if I just want to use her for the day or night, what does that say about my future? What next - only more desire for someone even prettier, of course. Don't I know this in my very heart - I neither need nor want anyone to give me a shmooz about it. I am through with mussar about this - I am a recovering sex pervert. I naturally tend to look to sex and lust for the  answer my every need - and it's stupid!
My lusting, the lusting of a man with a shred of conscience, inexorably leads me to shocking dissapointment. It always wears off. And every woman comes with her blemishes - the ones without any blemishes on their outsides must have them somewhere, like in bitter selfishness, self-absorption, anger, or demands....those things - when you live with them - become incredibly ugly. They have a horrible stench. Beautiful looking or not, it stinks. And that's what I smell when I think it through.
Two real people always means two contending wills - and that's forever.
So what is in it for me?

Wow, Dov said it all in his post above... Besides for beautifully re-iterrating the same point I was trying to make, about how Hashem is the true source of all beauty, Dov is also making it clear that no mussar is needed here at all. It really all boils down to simple self-interest if we just think it through a little

Momo wrote on 03 Mar 2010 06:17:


Where in these two sections do you see anything about a tree?

Misinterpretation (Part 1)

Sometimes when we're out there in the big world surrounded by all the temptations wherever we seem to look, we cry out in our hearts "Dear G-d, where are you? I can't see you, I can't feel you! All I see is a beauty of a different kind, wherever I look!"...

But then the answer comes to our hearts from G-d, "my son, does there exist any beauty besides me? I am in the beauty you see as well!".

For G-d is indeed everywhere, and He - and only He - is the source of all beauty. The beauty that we see and crave here on this world is only a mere shadow of a manifestation of G-d's beauty.

We need to train our minds to realize that there are no two types of beauty. There is only one source of beauty in the world. What we see in women is also the beauty of G-d. But, G-d has decreed that in order to merit perceiving His true beauty, we must first learn to turn our eyes away from the physical beauty - that is only his creation, and instead turn our hearts to Him - i.e. to the SOURCE. In His great wisdom, G-d determined that only one who is ready to give up the physical manifestations of G-d's beauty should be worthy of experiencing the true beauty of G-d, in a much more sublime - yet subtle - way. (We can't hear the symphony is there's a jackhammer banging in our brain  )

Misinterpretation (Part 2)

Dov Responds to the above post:

My sponsor once told me (when feeling lust/temptation to lust) to try saying: "Hashem, whatever it is that I am really looking for in that image, let me find it in You!", and meaning it, and trusting Him to eventually do it. It really took the edge off and connected me to Hashem instead of to the the lust object. I use this occasionally. Clearly, going after the lust doesn't even come close to satisfying me, the big hole inside remains - or grows, when lust is used. So it's clearly something else I was killing myself for. Mamesh b'nafsho yovi "lachmo"!

It sounds along the lines of what Guard posted above. It's a free tool. Go ahead, take it!

Incidentally, a while later, he told me he didn't really like that approach cuz it was too selfish for him and he prefers to just give it up to Hashem and ask Him to help him be concerned with His Will, rather than with any of his desires, be they spiritual or otherwise. Nu. For everything it's time. Harbei drochim laMokom!!

Go Momo Go!! (for the REAL thing  )

Momo wrote on 02 Mar 2010 12:22:


I WRESTLED WITH THIS FOR 27 YEARS.  My sex-ed, at 7 or 8 years old, came from a book my parents got for my older sisters.  There was a whole chapter glorifying nude beaches and nudist colonies.  It's "natural" and "free."  I ate up the idea.  My greatest fantasy--for years--was to build a home where I and my family wouldn't have to be inhibited by those "primitive" clothing.  Sound great, no?

BUT IT'S A LIE.  It's a lie of the porn industry.  It's a lie of the Yeitzer hara.  And it's a lie of Western culture where everyone is just an ape anyways.  Apes don't wear clothes, so why should we?

NUDITY does not equal BEAUTY.

It's just a politically correct way of saying, "I want to have s**"

It's so a bunch of homos can put p*rn in a NY art gallery and snicker as they charge people $50 per ticket to look at it.  It's "art."  It's "self-expression"

It's a bunch of bull.

We have to tell ourselves this OVER AND OVER again, even if we don't believe it.  Try to believe it.  Imagine if this lady were 50 years older!  Would you still stare at her?  Imagine if she was covered from head to toe with some sort of contageous rash.  Imagine if she has some sort of deadly vanarial disease.  Imagine talking to her and every word she says she whines out of her noses and she snorts between sentences.

I don't know, whatever it takes.

Don't believe the propaganda. 

Be honest with yourself.  It ain't beauty you're interested in.  OTHERWISE, you should get the same high looking at one of those huge trees.  It's Se* you're REALLY interested in.

Cut through the bull.  Be honest about this.

You want s**.

You don't give a damn about Picasso and Rembrant (unless they painted someone naked), and you don't care to stare up at the night sky in utter amazement at the beauty of the universe.

You want s**.  Not ART.  You want s**.

If you believe that nudity is a virtue, I think it will really hold you back in your recovery.

Has any of this made sense?

Eye and Dov,
The stuff you wrote is GOLD.
(over $1000 an ounce, y'know)
What a wonderful way to start a day.
k

Eye.nonymous wrote on 03 Mar 2010 14:04:


If someone were to see a fresh, nice yellow banana, would he not want to eat it because when a banana gets old it turns brown and mushy with wrinkled skin/peel?

This whole topic would be perfect if we would be discussing what we should look for in a potential wife. i.e. external beauty is only temporary, etc. But in our struggles, our lust is for a short lived flick, either live or in our imagination. We know this object [that is all she is, an object for us to fill our desires] is not going to be ours for long. She is tempting for the for the here and now. What use is there to knowing that she wont stay this way?

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 03 Mar 2010 16:51:


Anything that's not eternal (like Hashem is), is not real. Thinking how she'll look one day can help us realize that what we desire is NOT REAL.

And anyway, thinking about anything yucky can help when under the "spell" of lust. So why not, it bothers you? 

guardureyes wrote on 03 Mar 2010 20:27:


Sorry, but I still don't understand.

If I'm looking for an enjoyment for a minute, what do I care if it is REAL or not? Gazing at an image is not REAL but there is an attraction to just gaze and gawk. :-\

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 03 Mar 2010 20:39:
Yes. Mazel Tov. There is an attraction. It's natural. It's overwhelming. Nu? So what? Are you saying that in the long run it's hopeless? Good! If so, you may qualify as an addict, like me. Cuz it's hopeless for me, too. Completely hopeless. Left with my own resources alone, I will eventually act out using lust. And it will eventually ruin my life and kill me. Nu. Mazel Tov. No chiddush there either, for me. I am an addict. I have a chronic progressive and fatal disease, like any other. But there is treatment that offers a daily reprieve, by finally/really getting a G-d.

For an addict, the 12-step folks I hang out would honestly suggest, "Go right ahead and enjoy yourself. If you are looking for a minute of enjoyment who can stop you? And if we did, then what would it avail you in the end - or tomorrow? When you decide that you have had enough stupidity and that you want more out of life, come back and we'll share our solution with you so that you can start really living rather than running."

I wouldn't say that, though, cuz I'm a really nice guy.

:-*

I had an amazing dream last night I had to share with everyone.

I was a child, around 14 years old. I was getting beat up by boys.

I was fed up and learned to defend myself, and how to fight back.

I started fighting back. Defending myself. Sounds good, right?

But, then I started feeling powerful. I started beating up other boys to feel big and powerful.

(I was getting addicted to fighting.)

But I felt that I was getting out of control.

I felt badly.

I wanted to make amends. I found the kid I beat up the worst and apologized to him.

He beat the crap out of me.

I went home crying. I was a broken kid (now around 16 years old).

Then, out of nowhere a man that looks just like Tzvi Fishman (long grey beard, big knitted white kippa) started singing (in Hebrew) "If you believe you can break it, believe you can fix it". Efshar Letaken.

I started crying (in my dream). I wanted to cry so much and let it all out. To do Teshuva.

Then I woke up, feeling that I just dreamed something very significant.

I realized that I became addicted (in my dream: to fighting) to empower myself from a world of hurt, but it became out of control.
I realized that HaShem loves me to give me this dream, and that He is telling me that I can fix things.

Oh, I wish the dream was longer, and that I had a chance to finish the dream and to ask Tzvi how that Tikun thing works...

I think the dream was only 5 minutes. It happened so fast, but it felt very powerful.