Steve wrote on 01 Feb 2010 16:17:


Oh Yeah Steve...Isn't DC a Prat of SA...Haist Das You and Guard are not having any machlokes but saying the same thing. (for that last part you have to use the Grubber Fingerr.)

Hey Momo!!!!!!!!!!! I know im such a bad boy! Never being there for you. Trust me t bothers me almost as much as it does you. BUt im in a situation now that i need to put more focus on what im doing and for that i need to be totally in it. I think you know what im talking about. Its also the reason i only get to be on the forum for a couple of minutes a day. But i want you to know, i think of you ALL the time. I promise!! And i wish that i could be there for you more often. Im sorry. But lets get back on our feet and please start roaring again Momo. When you roared it shook the forum and everyone loved it. And i think it helped you too!!!

IT25
:-\

Dear me, (kinda makes me wanna add "-oh my"!)

What you wrote reminds me of a discussion on GYE a few months ago that touched on "shivron leiv," broken-heartedness. Someone described his broken heartedness as the state he was in during birchas kriyas sh'ma when he thought of Klal Yisroel the Beloved of Hashem and the spiritual, phyisical, and emotional sufferring and lost-ness of Hashem's Holy people. He cried his heart out and described that as shivron leiv. That beautiful man meant well, to be sure, but was not talking about any ingredient essential to my recovery. Nor is that what I refer to as "shivron leiv".

You are touching on something very near and dear to me, reb me.
Chazal ask why "the earlier generations of yidden would remove their shoes to begin a fast and were immediately answered with rain, while we fast and scream all day and still suffer with droughts?" They do not answer that the ealier generations learned more or did more mitzvos. They just suggest that the ingredient yidden had in the old days was Mesiras Nefesh. MN is translated literally as: "giving the self". The word "nefesh" is typically understood as referring to our self-ness, or personal desire (as in: "im yeish es nafshechem = if you desire/want").
I believe that Mesiras nefesh is the sacrifice of ego. It's my "leiv" (as in "levavchem" - all our personal desire) - the "me" (sorry, me!) that we hold onto so tightly that it can't breathe. It seems that for an addict it needs to break to ever get better. For an addict, the "me" is intertwined with the addiction, and lust has become the very air he or she  breathes. No? Well then why can't the poor fellow just go without it, hmmm? It fills our ego and even takes G-d's rightful place as our prime motivator. Chazal refer to that state as having: "El zar" - a foreign god (in the heart of man - gm').
OK so far?

"Zivchei Elokim ruach nishbara - Leiv nishbar v'nidkeh Elokim lo sivzeh" (Teh. 51)
Gm' Sanhedrin 43b: RYb"L said "in the old days people would bring different korbanos and have different s'char for each one; but one who "da'ato shfeilo olov" (holds himself/his concerns to be very low) is considered as if he brought all the korbanos! As it says: "the sacrifices Hashem prefers (zivchei Elokim) are a broken spirit/will (ruach nishbara). Not only that, but Hashem attends to such a person's prayers, as it says (in the rest of the posuk): "a broken and beaten down heart will not be despised by Elokim"." (btw, see the beginning of that piece where RYb"L talks about the person who "sacrifices his Y"H and admits his wrongdoing"... apropos here).

As far as my recovery is concerned, it seems to me that all I really needed was a truly broken heart. Not sad, but broken. By which I mean, to give up on my will: My will to be able to keep using lust and yet remain in control. My will to get better the way I wanted to - by "doing teshuvah". My will to finally be a "winner" against this problem. Couldn't have any of those dreams. That's how I experienced "hitting bottom". Bankruptcy.
So to me, the broken heart is simply finally giving up and growing up - and staying that way. Living with the steps means nothing more or less than being aware of my true place and my dependence on Hashem because of who I am - not in spite of it. And thankfully, Hashem never makes my heart unbroken ever again. He helps me keep it broken, lest I die in my addiction/insanity. And He helps it be broken with joy!

Just to end this megillah with a vort from R' Simcha-Bunim of P'shischa about this broken heart:
In the second Halleluka we say each day: "Harofey l'nishberei leiv - He is the One who heals the broken-hearted" He asks: Why heal them? A broken heart is so precious! R' Simcha-Bunim answers with the end of the pasuk: "um'chabeish l'atzvosom - and (or by) tending to their sadness" and explains that Atzvus - sadness, has nothing to do with shivron leiv at all, but we are only human and sometimes confuse our own broken-heartedness with tragedy and feel sorry for ourselves. Sadness poisons a broken heart because feeling sorry for ourselves returns us to even deeper isolation and self-centeredness than before! That's when Hashem, the best doctor, steps in and removes the sadness leaving the sweet, broken heart - "um'chabesh l'atzvosom"! He saves us from ourselves!

Sorry for going overboard on this, me and Momo, but it just felt like time for a megillah.... :

rebbereber=dov

get into the kretchma


bardys pub

we just drank a lchaim

on bardys  non slipp!

Rebbi that was too long even for me!!! Im gonna have to copy it to my thread for safe keeping and when i have about 3 hours free, ill check it out!! :D :D :D

bardichev wrote on 01 Feb 2010 22:43:
Next time invite me before the drinking starts, OK slim (oops. I meant: "Rebbe")?
PS. you may like the vertl above from RSB of P. Seeya at the krechmer!

Thank you for the precious ACE, reb dov.

I guess it's not only me Momo :D
I have no long and profound megillah to post. I just want you to know I'm going through the same thing and I feel your pain (and mine). I hope it will get better soon (for both of us).

Ano Nymous wrote on 02 Feb 2010 07:03:


I know. I read your post yesterday.
Once you're ready, you CAN pick yourself up again, like I can too. I know it. There's no other option for us.
One day at a time, brother. 

Have a wonderful day!

Keep growing, one day at a time. 

So, it really boils down to one thing. We know how to fast, and scream ALL day. BUT.....we haven't yet learned how to remove our shoes!

Cmon Momo you know!!! Im trying to get my learning schedule back to normal!!

Anyways really happy to see your back to your golly old self. But lets take it one day at a time. Before we know it well have so many days. But it all starts with a day 1 and cont with a day 2 and so on and so forth!!

One step at a time!!

Momo i wanna hear you ........................................ROAR

me wrote on 02 Feb 2010 08:07:
Ooohh...I hear yo....Gevaliggggggggg!

It's really very interesting when we think about it.  As toddlers, our parents spend so much time teaching us how to put our shoes on, and now, as adults, we are trying to figure out how to take them off! And boy is it hard!!! :

I don't know about this business of taking off shoes... not having any brothers I never had to worry about chalitza... but with three sisters i DID had to worry about not leaving the t. seat up...

Anyway, the last time i slept in a room filled with guys without their shoes on was an airtight dorm room, and if I could survive THAT I guess i could survive ANYTHING.

(I'm not sure, but I think that last line qualifies as chizuk.)

So take it for what it's worth, Mo-man - Let's lace up and get RUNNING!!!