Momo,

I dont know too much about it, but I believ this is called a "binge". It seems quite common among addicts but can be very dangerous. Google it for more info on it. I wish you a Refuah Sheleimah.

-Yiddle

When are you scheduled to meet the therapist next?

You really should call him on the hotline too, when feeling this way. There's a free hot-line for a reason!

When an addict falls, he often goes for the "binge" and can spiral downwards so fast that he can sometimes end up dead or in prison, c"v.

We are allergic to lust, and once we expose ourselves to it, no matter how long we were clean in-between, we re-open the neural pathways that we worked so hard to "close up".

You proved to yourself you can go for 6 weeks without it. That's HUGE.

But Hashem wants you to develop better and better defenses, deeper and deeper psychological changes to the old "momo". He is not satisfied with just a "white-knuckling" Momo. He has enough "tough" Malachim in Shamayim. He is waiting for you to look for Him, to seek out His love, to learn knew ways of thinking... And so you fell, and fell hard. But you'll be forced at some point, by hook or by crook, to find Hashem. We all go through this process. There's no escaping Him, and no escaping ourselves, at the end of the day.

Then why are you upset about it? Someone who the "real them" is nothing but a sex addict - is not bothered by these petty things called 'falls'.
Maybe all you need is to show H-shem that you care about him even after a fall. It's not such a challenge to make it from 89 to 90. The real intense kiddush H-shem happens from 0  till one. Specifically when there's no streak backing you.
Just get back up. Even if you will C"V fall again. Just start counting, and really believe you won't ever do it again, even if you just said the same thing yesterday. Ultimately you will get free. But now you just have to get out of your rut. Your in the pit now, just climb out. You know which way is up. You'll see light soon, but you gotta climb first.

Guard, you couldn't have said it better.

What "hot-line"??

If you're white-knuckling, then yes, you're right - it can be very difficult to keep fighting, day after day. Even then, though, I think you can do it.

But you're past that, already - you're able to look at the beauty of life when you're clean, and enjoy being clean. Enjoy the feeling you get when you've risen above the pollution, and are breathing fresh air.

A clean streak isn't a time of deprivation, it's a time of freedom.

And the real you, the real Momo, is the one that appreciates that, that knows this, no matter what # day you're on. You know that, right now. And so the real you is the one that knows that being clean and pure is that way to go. And he's roaring, waiting to burst out through the paper-mache facade that this world is made of, that makes it seem inpossible.

You know, you just made me think of something. It's really like a hollywood set. It looks so real, so tantalizing, so tempting. And the pleasures are right there, they're tangible, concrete. But if we just give them a little nudge, we realize they're made of cardboard. They're flimsy (and taste like cardboard, too, once we bite into it).

The trick is to remember that.

Yiddle2 wrote on 24 Jan 2010 15:30:


www.guardureyes.com/GUE/hotline/Hotline.asp

Rage ATM wrote on 24 Jan 2010 16:56:
Ditto! Im still trying to brush myelf off from my last fall. We need to do this. For ourselves. And of course we are getting places. By the fact that we are feeling down and low abut our actions speaks volumes of how far we have come. But as in everything, actions need to be done. So lets get into action. my new one is one minute at a time. If we would only realize how precious one minute is this would push us all the way.

Keep on rolling Momo. Hatzlacha!!

Momo wrote on 21 Jan 2010 06:34:

We, Momo, though we are apparently on differring wavelengths, at least we are in the same big boat and can share a l'chaim! 

Hey Momo,

How are you doing? You coming back up slowly? You feeling the fresh air on your face yet?

A few cool drops of rain?

dov wrote on 25 Jan 2010 00:18:


Their coming out with a new sefer called "Peirush HaDaov". Feldheim is publishing it, supposed to be phenominal! Dont wory Momo youre not alone on that 

-Yiddle

Momo,

You are never alone. You always have HKB"H, and you ALWAYS HAVE YOURSELF. You are eternal also. Make yourself your friend. I think you'll like him...

Ciao.

Oh...wow. I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you.

I'm going to agree with Steve - make yourself your friend. But it's hard to do that when you feel alone. Perhaps this is a time for you to work on you relationship with yourself and with hashem?

But I'm talking out of my...nose...because I can't imagine how difficult things must be for you right now...

But you'll look back at this one day, and be proud of how you grew from this situation.

Momo, I'll try and answer more in depth later, but for now, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. See the video of Rav Lazer Brody walking on the beach on this page: matzav.com/featured-videos

Hey, NICE video. I love that stuff. I eat it up.

And it's much better for me than what i'd had for lunch...

Spec it out, MoMan.

Dear (and I mean DEAR) Momo -

Thanks for being so sensitive to my feelings and caring enough to say something like that, just in case. You know how it feels to be misunderstood? Alone. It seems you can relate in that feeling right now....so thanks.
But something occurred to me this morning during my quiet time, and I want to share it with you. And if it is intelligible, so much the better!
I was looking over a list I wrote of the things that my wife requests of me - what I came up with as the parts of her wish list that I have the power to grant....and had an amazing realization, B"H:
I am a husband and a father, but in some ways do not always act like either. I often come home late from work and miss dinner, sometimes miss bedtime with the kids, and also often "forget" to call my wife to communicate. I slip and put my marriage too far behind my recovery, or even behing time with my friends or entertainments, hobbies. While I'm much better in these things than before, it's still an issue, especially if you ask my little lady.
It's becoming very frustrating for me, so i gave it some quiet time to think about it, and here is what I got:
Am I committed to being a real husband and a real father, or, am I committed to putting in just enough effort to be perceived as one by others? If I ignore my brain and just look at the facts on the ground - my behavior as a father and husband - not a moral 'report card', mind you, just the facts - I see that I am in a rut. I occasionally keep enough of the identifying behaviors going to maintain the category or ID of "father" and "husband", but put no 'meat on the bones', as it were. I have not really grown up yet. In some respects I am still a bochur deeply committed to playing house. And then feeling sorry for myself when the grown-up perks  don't come my way....nu. It's time I grew up a bit.
While this may be no shock to anyone, for some reason it is hitting me hard, and I feel a new motivation today to grow up and really live the life I have chosen for myself. To accept it. To take hold of it. It will not all happen in a day, and guilt will probably killthe whole famn thing, and I'll need help. But that what (F)friends are for!

Momo, if this dovish made any sense to you, don't worry. It's early. There are shots you can still take...;D