Dear (and I mean DEAR) Momo -
Thanks for being so sensitive to my feelings and caring enough to say something like that, just in case. You know how it feels to be misunderstood? Alone. It seems you can relate in that feeling right now....so thanks.
But something occurred to me this morning during my quiet time, and I want to share it with you. And if it is intelligible, so much the better!
I was looking over a list I wrote of the things that my wife requests of me - what I came up with as the parts of her wish list that I
have the power to grant....and had an amazing realization, B"H:
I am a husband and a father, but in some ways do not always act like either. I often come home late from work and miss dinner, sometimes miss bedtime with the kids, and also often "forget" to call my wife to communicate. I slip and put my marriage too far behind my recovery, or even behing time with my friends or entertainments, hobbies. While I'm much better in these things than before, it's still an issue, especially if you ask my little lady.
It's becoming very frustrating for me, so i gave it some quiet time to think about it, and here is what I got:
Am I committed to being a real husband and a real father,
or, am I committed to putting in just enough effort to be
perceived as one by others? If I ignore my brain and just look at the facts on the ground - my
behavior as a father and husband - not a moral 'report card', mind you, just
the facts - I see that I am in a rut. I occasionally keep enough of the identifying behaviors going to maintain the category or ID of "father" and "husband", but put no 'meat on the bones', as it were. I have not really grown up yet. In some respects I am
still a bochur deeply committed to
playing house. And then feeling sorry for myself when the grown-up perks
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/wink.png)
don't come my way....nu. It's time I grew up a bit.
While this may be no shock to anyone, for some reason it is hitting me hard, and I feel a new motivation today to grow up and really
live the life I have chosen for myself. To accept it. To take hold of it. It will not all happen in a day, and guilt will probably killthe whole famn thing, and I'll need help. But that what (F)friends are for!
Momo, if this dovish made any sense to you, don't worry. It's early. There are shots you can still take...;D