Momo wrote on 17 Jan 2010 12:18:
I once knew someone who had been an alcoholic. He was a couple of years sober at the time, and in a conversation with a friend he mentioned the number of days it was. So this "friend" tells him: "Hey ----, why are you making a big deal out of it? You didn't accomplish anything, all you have is a number. Face it, there's nothing really there".
Well guess what happened. That's right! He wen't home and started drinking again. And till this day, he still hasn't gotten his life back together.
This story as messed up as it sounds, happens all the time. And it's happening to you right now. He is convincing you of stupid @#$%.
He has waited for this bad mood for a long time, because you haven't giving him a chance to get you when you were in a normal state.

I once heard a lecture from a very famous kiruv guy. It was about character development. He started off with saying that we have to be "above" our moods, and not the other way around. That doesn't mean we have to be able to control which moods we are in. That is a very high level. (They won't ask us "Why weren't we R' Zelig Pliskin" )
What he meant was that we should be in control of what we do regardless of our moods. Now of course that requires some kind of system or technique. So he exlained to us the concept of a "non-thinking day". Which means that when we wake up and realize that we are in a mood which is depressing, or angry, or disappointed, or resentful, or frustrated, or less hopeful, or feeling pointless (very common), we should automatically acknowledge the mood, realize it's not us, and switch on our non-thinking mode. Where we basically under no circumstances are we allowed to think about anything. We have to sort of glide through the day/hour/whatever until it's gone. And as soon as we're through it and back to our real selves, we realize how stupid it would have been to make ANY decisions under that mindset, ESPECIALLY ones detrimental to our normal selves.

I hope you manage to use this piece of advice, you sound like your more the type to be affected by your moods.
Good luck MOMO, you are our hero.
Please don't let that shm--- convince you otherwise.

The ground just shook and I thought of port-au-prince!

I quickly rushed over to Momo's thread and breathed a sigh of relief. It was just Momo's Roar again

Momo, we'll call it a slip, as long as you didn't actively seek out porn.
But only if you don't continue.
If you let it take you down and start searching again for celebs or other soft-core-porn", we'll have to call it a fall.
But for now, it's not.
You caught yourself before it became a fall.
And that is much harder than staying clean.
You are our hero today, Momo!

And, by the way, I just got a letter from your addiction by e-mail. She asked me to send you a love letter.





Dear Momo,

I have come to visit once again. I love to see you suffer mentally, physically, spiritually, and socially. I want to make you restless so you can never relax. I want to make you jumpy, nervous, and anxious. I want to make you agitated and irritable so everything and everybody makes you uncomfortable.

I want you to be confused and depressed, so that you can't think clearly and positively. I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for the things you have done in the past and you'll never be able to let go of. I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are. I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything but me for the way things are. I want you to be deceitful and untrustworthy and to manipulate and con as many people as possible. I want to make you feel fearful and paranoid for no reason at all. I want to make you wake up all hours of the night screaming for me. You know you can't sleep without me, I'm even in your dreams. I want to be the first thing you think about every morning and the last thing you think about before you black-out.

I'd rather kill you, but I'd be happy enough to put you back in the hospital, another institution, or jail. But you know that I'll be waiting for you when you get out. I love to watch you slowly go insane. I can't help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake; when you freeze and sweat at the same time; when you wake up with the sheets and blankets soaking wet. It's amusing to watch you ignore yourself; not eating, not sleeping, not even attending your personal hygiene.

Yes, it's amazing how much destruction I can be to your internal organs while at the same time working on your brain, destroying it bit by bit.

I deeply appreciate how much you are sacrificing for me. The countless good jobs you have given up for me; all the friends that you deeply cared for, you gave up for me.

And what's more, the ones you turned yourself against because of your inexcusable actions. I am eternally grateful, especially for the loved ones, family and the more important people in the world that you have turned yourself against. You threw even those away for me!

But do not despair, my friend, for on me you can always depend. After you have lost all these things, you can still depend on me to take even more. You can depend on me to keep you in living HELL, mind, body, and soul. For I will not be satisfied until you ARE DEAD, my friend.

Forever Yours,

Your Addiction

You can get my email address on my profile - and don't worry, I'm still here with you! I plan on seeing you make it to 90!

And even if i would've left, I still would've sponsored you - I already promised to, right?

Much happier to stay and watch the beauty unfold...like watching a gorgeous sunrise!

Momo wrote on 17 Jan 2010 14:13:


Send me an invite Momo!

-Yiddle

Momo wrote on 17 Jan 2010 18:34:


Don't try to be more religious than the Pope!  On second thought, maybe I should rephrase that! 

If you dare, you'll have bigger problems than your little "fall".
You might have seen my show. It's called "Meet the fist".
I'm just kidding - I won't really come after you.
But please don't stop counting, you don't realize how much you will disappoint everyone here.
And remember - NO THINKING

Kedusha wrote on 17 Jan 2010 18:36:
I like Kedusha's angle.
I have no right to the details, Momo, but my sponsor let me in on a secret. Even though the date/count is purely about "not acting out", rather than the more meaningful positive recovery that makes our lives better, we still don't mess with it except after a clear violation of an objective standard - or at least a basically clear violation of a basically clear standard...  :-\
The idea behind that is that once we start being machmir (or meikil!), we set ourselves up as the sole arbiters of what constitutes sobriety for us. We thus return to pretending that we are G-d, which was part of our problem in the first place, of course. You know, ask Uri: control of the pains of life by pleasuring ourselves on demand, bargaining with G-d, holding onto guilt and resnetment....that kind of stuff. We held onto the "power" even as we lost all control and our ineer lives went to pot. That's why we did not have room for Him in addiction or couldn't find Him - we were sitting on His throne.
Does that make any sense to you? Maybe this isn't your issue at all, though.....so:
Nu. Even if you choose to restart your counting, you still have kol hakavod and best wishes from me, Momomemomemo!

G-d bless you, Momo.
Whether in the GYE count you "make it to 90" or not, it sounds like you've got the marbles out of your mouth and into your head, where they belong. Alei v'hatzlach ad meya v'esrim shonim Tovim, friend!!

Momo wrote on 17 Jan 2010 19:35:


"Undeserving"??? You are both sober RIGHT NOW!! And that is all that matters. We cant change the past so lets just look at whats going on right now. Momo, you know where to find me if you need me.

-Yiddle

Momo - You need to do whatever you need to do. And I'll support you no matter what. So take your time, and figure out what will help you be healthy, and get clean in the best, easiest, and quickest way.

From the way you're talking, though, it sounds like you're stopping because you're discouraged, and drained...it almost sounds like you don't think you CAN reach 90. And I guarantee you that's not true. You can do anything. Like Yiddle said, you're sober right now.

You might wish that you'd done things better, but you can work on that as time goes on. If you haven't fallen, then you need to remember that even if you've slipped, you're still creating more distance between you and your addiction. You've left that sack of rocks on the side of the road, and you're still walking - you haven't reinforced that behavior!

If you're only doing it to raise money for GYE, I don't think it'll work - I think that no matter what, being clean for 90 days is a wonderful accomplishment. Heck, being clean for one day is a fantastic accomplishment!

And no matter what, reading your thread is still like watching the sun break through the clouds in a burst of color and pure, pure light...

Make the right decision for your best chance of recovery.  All of us are here to help.

Dear MOMO,

Somehow, you are one of the people that everyone on this forum comes to visit and post on, I think somehow you represent for all of us the eternal struggle, a guy who so badly wants kedusha vitahara, and has tried so hard, yet faces enormous challenged. A person who like most of us is super human and prone to falling, yet also able to deal with the pain of the fall with incredible strength...

If you need a few days, take them, if you need a week take it, but please don't cut yourself off of a place that has so much to offer and so much to gain from you!!!

I don't call it a fall at all, think about where you are coming from, and that is nothing!!!

KUTGW!!

And Keep on Trukking!!!

Its amazing that even after you think you fell, you're still here. That shows tremendous strength - you're getting up immediately. Amazing.

Hi Momo,
Just checking in. I just sent you a PM.  But that was before your latest post.  I am not sure if I understand the implications of it.
Something to keep in mind: In the big book they emphasize how we have to willing to let go of our old ways and thinking before move into recovery and let Hashem into our lives. The problem is that this is hard.  Many people only want to want. So what do you do? Easy. You daven to Hashem to help you want. 

"Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable?
Can He now take them all—every one?
Should we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing."
 

The man will the BIG WHITE BEARD (private joke between me and MOMO),
yaakov

Momo, if you're ever in a situation like that again, you're welcome to contact me directly - now that you know how.

G'luck, and remember: it aint over till the fat lady sings!  ;D

2B