hello to all
i would like to share an update I am b’h clean clean for two weeks no slips or falls I have been working on myself it has been really tough, there has been times when I was stressed out and felt the urge to just relax  by watching non clean videos but I know where that would lead me to, when that happened I made a call to someone and that has helped me… I have been to some phone meeting ( not jewish) and that has helped as well.. I am feeling a little depressed today I don’t know why, I feel like I have so much in me a long dark secret that no one knows about me and I feel like I am about to burst… oy I am jut realizing that I have major issues, I thought I was a normal guy who has had a big y’h  and that was it but now I see that I have issues… I feel like I should go and try another sa meeting but I am still a bit scared, I think I am still scared to admit that I am a saxaholic but I am, I am powerless over lust if I give in a little I know I wont be able to stop. Is there anyone here who is sober for a few years that did not go to sa meeting? How did you do it.
am I making any sense?

I'm not in exactly your situation, but admitting that we have a problem is certainly a major first step - and it's never easy. But it sounds like you're moving in a great direction!

And yes - feeling like you have a huge, dark secret inside is one of the most dangerous things about this sickness, and one of the reasons I've found GYE to be so helpful.

Hey R' Yidster, this happens to every last one of us. That's one of the drawbacks of recovering. We can't use the medication we're used to. But if you realize that the medication itself is what's causing the sickness, it's easier to let go and just let the depression pass. That's the key to survival. Be above your moods. That doesn't mean to be completely in control of how you feel all the time, but rather to be in control of what you do/say/think regardless of your mood.
If you feel you are in a negative state - DON'T LET YOURSELF THINK!!
Just acknowledge that you are in a negative state - for whatever reason, and just wait an hour, or till tomorrow when you'll be yourself again.
It's awesome to hear about your two weeks. Keep it up man!!

Yidster, just keep on working at it.  Yes, it takes work.  We are all here to help you.  But you have done one the best things you can do for yourself, you admitted your problem and looked for help.  It's a process that takes a long time.  Just think of being clean and living a new life in very small amounts.  Literally, like one second at a time or a minute. 

Thanks! you guys are amazing and this site is awesome, like someone wrote is yesterdays chizuk email that on this site everyone can share their feelings and even when someone falls no one here is judgmental, like everyone says take it one hour at a time... two hours ago i was bursting and the urges are so convincing it is as if there is no way i can continue my day without my dose of  that charah, three weeks ago i would have give in right away i was so trapped into it and i felt there is no way out and would say this is part of my life.... but now it is such a great feeling, it is like i found the key to the treasure ( ok maybe is is a little rusty and hard to find the treasure...) i have the tools to get out of the dumps and that is the support i get from this site and the feeling and that i am not alone we are all working the steps together to set our self free from the slavery we got caught into....

i would like to share a vort that i heard about Chanukah and we can apply it to us all.
how did it come that the yiden became Hellenist, did it just happen in one day, did they just stop to believe in torah. the answer is no, it happened one step at a time first they started to follow the Greek culture they tried to blend in, they did not give up torah they would participate in the Olympics but would not bring the idle sacrifice and many other things but one things led to another in till....
we find it interesting that the word yevonim ( the Greeks) comes from the same word yovon that has the same root name as quicksand, once you put you foot in quicksand it is hard to get out and slowly slowly you sink it, once they put their to food to the greek philosophy they just sunk in.

the message is very clear to us we know what the quicksand is and we try to convince our self that we have control dont worry just this one time... but when it come to quicksand once your in, your in, so lets keep our feet (eyes) out of the quicksand... 

Have a great day


   

one step at a time, let's not get sucked in...solid ground...one step...one more...

Thank you!

Wow it is already 18 days that I am clean,thanks for the support of this great forum,when ever I had a bad thought and felt the urge I thought about this site and all the great warriors outt there, I can't wait to make it to 90, all I can say is thank you hashem and thanks to all of you

Remember - every day is a victory, a reason to rejoice!

It works, right? And you inspire all of us - me, for sure! It's great knowing that I have people like you beside me!

I was actually just learning a piece by R' Dessler last night - and I love when he talks about how dramatic life is, because honestly, he's not saying anything we don't know, he just pulls the wool off of our faces, and shows us the true drama that's already there! But anyway, he discusses how all the gifts that we have are part of the overall grand struggle towards revealing hashem's glory - and that depending on how we use the gifts, we're taking our place on one side or the other.

And I thought to myself, "that means that when I make choices, when i do things, say things, think things, I'm choosing which side i want to be on, who i want standing next to me.

And without a doubt, I know which side i want to be on - standing next to holy people like you!

Oy, what has gotten into me, I fell again, what was I thinking, why why why I ask myself...I am meeting with a temporary sponsor tomorrow morning, I hope this will help me do the 12 steps

Don't forget to thank H-shem for the 18 that you were clean...
Nice to see you up and willing to work instead of wallowing in the dirt.

Excellent - if you learn from the fall, then it's part of your step forward.