Please never stop posting here bardichev! You give the most amazing chizuk. A-G all applied to me. It's so sad to see how many people have this addiction but have convinced themselves that it's not a big deal. I see it all around me (guys just like that). I pity what's going to happen to them when they get married, even taking god out of the equation entirely.

ano thank you I felt like a wolf in the night howling into the wind.

I am bout to embark on a journey in uncharted waters. Next week will be a biggie for me B"EH.I need everyone’s help .Sorry for sounding so childish, but I am going to a spot where I was never before. I will be reaching the level of breaking my previous personal streak of keeping clean.

I will give all that I can back to Hashem in ways that I possibly can .I need to deal with a couple issues. I have not used my internet for a 5 weeks other than business related I need not to be lured back at least for a week.
I need to keep my eyes in my head while driving (its finally getting warm in the NY area)
I need an extra boost of chizuk on histaklus when I deal with women I am torn between making no eye contact which for me is an extra geder yet I feel it is not polite not to look at people when you talk to them. eitza anyone?

FINALLY next week is PARSHAS KEDOSHIM
CAN WE START A NEW TOPIC JUST FOR KABBALOS FOR ONE WEEK LETS REALLY GIVE Y"H A PUMMELING >HE REALLY DESERVES IT > we are all trying to serve Hashem and be normal fathers husbands chavrusas business people etc.

LETS BE STRONG AND LETS US BE BESIMCHA.

KI BESIMCHA SETZI-U=thru simche you will leave the clutches of Y”H

SO LETS ALL BE UPBEAT AND NOT LOOK AT OURSELVES AS BEAT UP STRUGGLERS RATHER AS VALIANT VICTORIOUS WARRIORS WHO WILL DOMINATE!!!!

GUT SHABBOS
humbled and HAPPY

bardichev  victorious(BE”H)

Bardichev, thanks for your personal chizuk. You are definetely not alone. As I am sure you have noticed, shemiras einayim in the street represents the final frontier. I constantly use two strategies:
1. After averting my eyes I think of the Sefer Hatanya quote (which I reprinted below). I think of the great nachas that I am giving to the Creator by resisting my animalistic drive,  and I mumble to myself "Ve lo taturu acharei levavechem...".

2. Just think that in a few short months you will be saying "Al Chet Shechatanu Lefaneicha BESIKUR AYIN", so why do something that you will have to regret.

Due to the nature of my work, I can not, in many occasions, avert my eyes from looking at a women. I am however extremely strict in not saying a word more than necessary. Should the woman be attractive to me, it helps to think the following: "ater all you are a vessel full of tzoa", or "in a few years you will probably look fat  and decrepit" and so on.

Here is the quote from the Tanya/

Should sadness come from evil thoughts and desires that enter his mind, he should, on the contrary, be happy in his portion in that, though they enter his mind, he averts his mind from them in order to fulfill the injunction "You should not seek after your heart and your eyes after which you go astray". When he averts his mind from them he fulfills this injunction. Indeed, the Rabbis have said "he who passively abstained from commiting a sin receives a reward as though he had performed a precept". Consequently, he should rejoice at his compliance with the injuction as when performing an actual Mitzvah Aseh...
And with every thrust (of the temptation) wherewith he expels (the thought ) from his mind , the sitra achra down below is supressed, and since the "stimulus from below causes an stimulus from above"the sitra achra above is also supressed.
Thus the Zohar(p.128) extolls the great satisfaction before Him, when the sitra achra is subdued here below. for then the glory of Hakadosh Baruch Hu rises above all, more than by any praise, and this ascent is greater than all else.
Therefore, no person should feel depressed, even though he be engaged all his days in this conflict, for perhaps because of this he was created and this is his service--constantly to subjugate the sitra achra.(untill here the quotation)

What an amazing Quote from the Tanya! Thank you such much for sharing that, I need to spread it around.

Ano Nymous wrote on 24 Apr 2009 10:06:

I agree! Please keep it up.  We love it.

bardichev wrote on 24 Apr 2009 17:57:

This is a skill that needs to be acquired. I have been learning over time how to prevent my eyes from focusing on peritzus.  I began a year ago and I have had much success. I daven all the time for continued success.
 
bardichev wrote on 24 Apr 2009 17:57:

1. Daven Daven Daven.  Daven for help not to be triggered. Daven not to be attracted at all.  Daven before coming into work and daven before having to speak with a woman.
2. Repeat the pasuk "sheker haChein V'Hevel HaYofei" a few times in the day, to keep yourself focused.
3.  Remember, the issur consists of deriving pleasure from the site of a woman.  Be careful with midas chasidus.  Meslias Yesharim devotes an entire chapter to this called mishkal chasidus.  So, as you say you do not want to be impolite. You must figure out for yourself when to apply your chumrahs and when to apply leniency.  I, too, am very machmir at looking at all women.  And B"H, I do not have too many interactions with women, but the few that I do, I am lenient if need be.  Again, making sure you stick to the Halacha.  The Steipler writes in his letters about the dangers of being too machmir above and beyond the strict halacha.  The steipler was often quick to be lenient people when he saw people were being overly machmir.   So, become familiar with the Halacha to figure out when you can be lenient. This does not mean to say that you should not keep up the chumrahs.  But it requires great wisdom when to use the chumrahs and when to use the kulahs.
4. Years ago, I had to enter the workforce and my job consisted of working with women, so I asked my Rebbe how to handle this.  Now this Rebbe does not look or speak to any woman at all.  But he told me it is OK to look if it is not hurt their feelings but he said that if I could learn how to not focus on them when they speak with me, like looking half down (he showed me on the spot how to do this), it is better.  This is a skill.  You need to work on looking but not looking without the other party really noticing.  
5. If you feel you violated an aveira during your day by deriving benefit, do vidui on this aveira and move on.  This will help you be real with yourself and will prevent you from falling.  I have been doing this a lot with different areas of my life.  If I feel I did something inappropriate, even if it may not be "major", I am quick to do vidui and I try to repeat the vidui at the mikvah.
6. Try to counteract and atone any excessive gazing, with gazing at mitzvos, like tzitzis, tefillin, Torah, A Rebbe, and most important the shabbos candles.

Hatzlacha Rabba!

bardichev wrote on 24 Apr 2009 17:57:

Great Idea!


bardichev wrote on 24 Apr 2009 17:57:

I love your attitude!

yosefyakov wrote on 24 Apr 2009 18:46:

Thanks again for the great quote!

guardureyes wrote on 25 Apr 2009 22:41:

THIS IS UNBELIEVEABLE please tell me where I can see it in the sefer

yosefyaakov and ykv
Thank you for your powerful replies .I hope rabbeine guard shlit"a uses some of them and turns them into chizuk emails there is so much here I feel I need time to work on them rather than just read them.

Please lets all give each other the chizuk to go further.

THIS IS AN APPEAL I AM MAKING ON MY OWN INITIATIVE
PLEASE send the guard a donation for this forum and the website.

We need to help as many people that want to be helped.This addiction is beyond any number that people can imagine on all different levels.
I feel that there is so much that can be done on this site alone as long as the people find it and use it correctly to better themselves and not just to read YENEMS TZOORIS lit. another persons woes (sound better in Yiddish).

Why is simcha the key??
Here goes. What is simcha is it being happy? is it being funny laughy giggly? Is it having a blast?

Did you ever see an ELTERE YID sitting by his einikels chasuna with a small smile just the edges of his lips curling up?
I think that simple look is simcha. He’s not jumping up and down not hollering with his buddies not downing bookers at the bar .He IS BESIMCHA
SIMCHA is the feeling that one has when they feel they truly accomplished something and did the right thing. When some thing is in its complete state it is the Matzav of simcha.

so why is this the key ?Hashem is the mkor (source) of simcha there really is no simcha that one can feel AND HOLD ON TO .what people are looking for is to attain simcha .
Attaining SIMCHA IS WORK WORK WORK.Any quick fix will lead you ultimately to sin and to addictive behaviors that is so hard to rectify.

So the first step is to realize that the search for lust is just a mirage of what you are really looking for. PLUS this road  of lust-sin-addiction =depression.

SO try the real thing find things that can trigger REAL JOY!
if you need inspiration watch little kids play watch the birds that are plentiful now in the spring weather. Go out of your way to help someone .Compliment your spouse employee rebbe student neighbor etc.
The ultimate misameach is TORAH I am pressed for time now B"eH I will post some eitzos how to find sheer joy In the TORAH HAKIDOSHA.

Thank you all for you advice keep it up I need it

humbled and happy
bardichev
DAY 38 LACH=laugh (yiddish)

[THIS IS UNBELIEVEABLE please tell me where I can see it in the sefer

[/quote]

Sefer Hatanya, chapter 27.

As you hinted, to be besimcha es the ultimate frontier. As Rabbi Nachum of Chernobyl said, the words MACHSHAVA and BESIMCHA share the same hebrew letters.

I was considering not posting today. But why give the evil one the satisfaction.

I want to continue where we left off yesterday

Torah IS the source of life. Everyone has a portion in Torah Again everyone has a portion in torah .I’m sure those who are more familiar with kabbalah on this forum can explain it on a kabalistic level.
Back to the emotional/practical level there is no such concept as I am not cut out for learning. Yet many people FEEL that way. It is a crime that some people such as teachers rebbes parents robbed from their students.

So to set the record straight everyone can learn something. Everyone needs to learn something.

So if you ask where does this come into battling our horrible addiction?
The answer my friends is this world is built on the mechanics of ZACHAR/NEKEIVA which means mashpia/mekabel provider/receiver (the kabbalists on the forum are going to have their work cut out for them).Simply put Hashem is the ultimate provider we the world are the receivers.

The glue that bonds the zachar or the nosain to the nekaiva or mekabel is called CHESHEK. (Again team kabbalah can explain cheshek and ratzon chemdah taava etc.) EVERYONE IN THE WORLD HAS A CHESHEK FOR SOMETHING!!!

TORAH NEEDS TO BE LEARNED WITH CHESHEK .That is what satisfies a person. If you have no CHESHEK in Torah you will automatically feel an urge to place the CHESHEK elsewhere and usually it is in sin which leads to addictive behavior.

So what if you don’t have a CHESHEK to learn. Try TRY TRY to find a subject a rebbe a shiur a chavrusa something that interests you .every subject in the world from A astrology to Z zoology and everything else in between is covered by the HEILIGE TORAH.
The Chafetz Chaim explains that torah Is MACHSHARO LIYOS TZADDIK it is like HECHSHER KAYLIM it cleans him out and makes him kosher.

When we where young and learned in yeshiva we where FORCED to learn that in on itself takes away CHESHEK . So Open your mind and try to get into TORAH.

This forum is giving the Y”H a taste of his own medicine.


Humbled and happy
bardichev

p.s. please daven for me tomorrow is the record breaking 40th day I hope to break free forever

thank you all my good friends I dont know how but B"H I"m at day 40.

the rebbe reb meilich says to in tzettilkatan to work on a middah 40 days.

I know this is more than just a middah its re-working all the focus and energy in me and using it correctly.

I will  keep this post short.

Tzaddikim lats all keep each other strong.Y"H is preparing his concession speech.

humbled and happy
bardichev

We love you, bardichev! Keep inspiring us. The last few days we sent Chizuk e-mails with your words (to 400 members), and look at some of the replies I got:

B.G. Says: "the recent posts from the forum were GREAT!"

Y.L says: "Kudos to Bardichev!"

A.M.R wrote: "Very beautiful posts from Barditchev (and the other person who you quoted in chizuk lately.) It is just amazing to me how  someone like that can be nichshol in this matter".

And, we got a few donations in honor of the appeal you made as well! Thank you!  :D

Mazel Tov on 40 days and on breaking your record! Your avodah is shaking the heavens. And -even more importantly, your posts are shaking the hearts of the people that are reading them. CHAZAK VE'EMATZ!!!

B"H I am trying to hold on> Thank you for all the encouragement. I will try to keep on posting Be"H.I know that I am still in my process of TESHUVAH and I hope to always be in the process.

I can really identify with so many of our HEILIGE brothers (AND SISTERS) that are new to the forum and there are probably many more that are either too shy or too scared to take the first step.

HERE GOES: (if anyone disagrees please add your perspective my views are not halacha limoshe misinay)

Step 1
AZIVAS HACHET. You must BREAK FREE. If you found this forum OBVIOUSLY you are looking for help (IF YOU ARE HERE JUST TO READ YENEMS TZOORIS PLEASE GET LOST .ON THIS SITE YOU FIND ONLY HONEST PEOPLE THAT ARE BEARNG THEIR HEART AND SOUL IN AWAY THEY CAN’T ANY WHERE ELSE .THIS IS NOT ENTERTAINMENT)
It really is difficult to break free because that is your ABOUT FACE from the evil Y”H.
There are many tips on breaking free on this site .Remember you came here to get help.
Obviously you are looking for something that makes you FEEL better than your addiction.

Of course you will feel a lot of pain of course you will feel the temptation to sneak a peek or just check out to see if you still have aY”H.Yes you still have aY”H don’t tease it just ignore him. Use all your creativity to avoid your Y”H.

Step 2
KABALLA AL HA-ASID accept a new path
Notice I skipped charata and viddiy (I am sure some people will argue with me. This is not a shiur in hilchos TESHUVA this is a thought in hilchos PIKUACH NEFESH).
YOU MUST DO THINGS IN A PRO-ACTIVE WAY. Find ways how to change your bad habits remember you are fighting an ADDICTION you are fighting a way of life that you with great skill and creativity hid from the world from your closest friends and family. You are fighting the strongest force in the world the EVIL MENUVAL THE Y”H.
Tell him that you are shoving him out of the driver’s seat and now you are IN CONTROL.
  TRY TRY TRY to remain focused on how good you are doing. Good I am clean for an hour BETTER 2 hours a day 2 days a FULL WEEK WOW!!! 
DON’T LOOK BACK don’t try to figure out how I ended up in this addiction why is there a milchemes hayetzer. Not now just run for your life
Do things that will give you joy. If you are married, put all your energy back into your family. You will see how good it feels. Use your energy to be more active take a break from your computer, Clean your office, visit a Jewish bookstore, call an old friend.
USE THIS FORUM IT IS THE BEST PLACE TO BE.THERE IS REAL KEDUSHA HERE!!
BE BESIMCHA YES BESIMCHA!! SAY TO YOURSELF A ZILLION TIMES  A DAY I AM A TZADDIK!!!!
LOOK AROUND people do change. Look at the 90 day wall of honor become inspired. These are HEROES regular people that are fighting Y”H tooth and nail. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.DONT look back (I’m repeating myself) just say that was in the past NOW I’m a great happy husband brother son father chavrusa employee etc.

Believe IN YOURSELF. It takes more time and energy and talent to feed and hide your addiction.
I realize this post might be a drop too long sorry.

MY HOPE IS THAT WE SHOULD ALL GIVE EACH OTHER THE CHIZUK WE NEED TO BE TRULY HAPPY AND HONEST AN HOLY.

Humbled and happy
bardichev

Yes, this is really the most important point that can bring us all to a complete tshuva. In fact this is the very very first halacha in L'kutei Halachos-Orach Chaim.  "Everyone of us should look and search for the nekuda tova in every person. Even the biggest rashah has tov in him. And, when we search for this "nekuda tova", we are really making a change for this neshomah. We are doing a maaseh of borer...by taking the "Tov", and leaving the "Rah", and in shamayim WE are making this person into a tzadik, and by doing this, this person will start to turn around as a result of our, "looking for the Tov"....and leaving the Rah.
   Now, we are OBLIGATED to do this on ourselves. Every single one of us has Nekudos Tovos. Mitzvos that we are mekayim every day. (Just being here on this forum is an unbelievable avodah. what's the proof? Ask the Y'H if he likes that we are here!!!
  Now, when we continue to look and search for the nekudos tovos inside of us, we are in REALITY gathering all of the little pieces here and there...bringing them together....and we then see for ourselves that we really ARE tzadikim, via these nekudos tovos that ALL of us DO have. This brings us to SIMCHA, and this leads us to a tshuva shleima. And, I saw in a sefer, "i believe the same sefer", that only SImcha has the koach to rejuvenate our brains from all of the tumah that  we put up there.

ME, well said. In reference to this I heard from a mekubal the following:

The middle hebrew letter of the word "rasha" is the shin, which is the initial of one of Hashem's name. Even a rasha has Hashem in his/her midst. Moreover, in the Pesach Hagada, when discussing the four sons, it is written in regard to the rasha " hakhe es shinav", which literally means "blunt his teeth". Shinav can also mean "his Shin", so "hakhe es shinav" hints that we should strike out (in a positive way) and bring out his Shin i.e. his G-odly aspect out of his evil aspect.