Crazy thing, but throughout the time I've been watching porn in my marriage, I've been really afraid of getting the ultimatum from my wife: me or porn.

Well now it came...

You know what? It finally cracked open the armor that I built inside of me, that was actually preventing me from getting the help I need. So I'm all in now. and starting on my 90 day challenge. Here We Go!!!

Great to see your excitement! I'm going to suggest adding something to help you, besides just for your current motivation and counting days to 90. We have some great guys here who can make some suggestions of something you can take to strengthen you.

Thanks @captain! I like that idea. Any suggestions oilam?

First: Get on your knees and beg your wife to please accept your teshuva, you really will never watch porn again. Take full responsibility for all her pain and anguish, validate her, and promise it will not happen again
Second: Get in touch with some (more) of the chevra here so that you learn how truly never watch porn again
Third: Keep growing, staying away from lusting
Fourth: Fix your brains misconceptions of sexuality so that your wife can learn to trust you again

Super Yid, I know that none of what I've written is a chiddush, as we've spoken about this plenty. I just wanted to share with the oilam, I hope that's ok

UPDATE: almost 30 days porn-free!!

I had the most amazing experience last night, and I wanted to share it here (Thank you @eerie for encouraging me to
I was at a bar mitzvah last night, and I was sitting with someone I know, but don't have that much to do with. So normally, when I would see him, the conversation would go Hi, How are you, What are you up to, Nice and that would be it. And it's not just with him, but in general, that's how my conversations usually go. But last night was different. I felt like I was actually interested in getting to know him better, and I felt like I actually had what to say to him. We ended up having a nice 20-30 min conversation. and then the seats shifted and I was sitting with another friend, and I suddenly found myself having so much to say and talk about. It felt incredible!

When I got home I told my wife about it, and she asked me what changed. So first I told her I thought it was because of the work I'm doing with my therapist, becoming more myself, and listening to my own thoughts. But then I realized that that's not really it. What made the difference is that I've stopped looking at porn. I feel like until now, my brain was clogged, so I couldn't make a normal conversation, I couldn't even really be interested in other people. Now that I'm free, my brain is unclogged, and I'm able to think clearly, and actually develop the conversation. And my wife agreed with me.

But that's not the best part. At the end of our conversation, my wife said to me "Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I feel like you share things with me more now" That's when it hit me. I was sharing with her without even trying. When I first started working on repairing my relationship, I had to really push myself to share things with her. And now I did it without even thinking about it. That was truely amazing!!

I actually feel like I'm experiencing a kiyum of the nevuah: V'hasirosi es lev ha'even mibsarchem, v'nasati lachem lev basar. I feel like my heart was actually "stoned" (sorry, I had to) and now I'm actually starting to feel again. It's really an incredible place to be in. 

For the first time in my life, I actually feel alive.

Thanks for reading :D