You’re a real fighter.  Have you converted yet? Do you think you can get closer to a community? how much longer do you have in college? Can you switch schools? Being by yourself is going to get you burnt out. There’s only so much that you can push.  
I wish you lots of luck

abieham wrote on 15 Apr 2025 17:22:

- Not yet.
- Maybe, that's what I'm working on now.
- About 3 years left.
- I haven't done any research on that.
Thank you for you good wishes!

Day 12:

By studying Torah, I was able to get rid of no good thoughts.

Day 13:

I already have an appointment for an interview with a Jewish community, this should cheer me up or give me peace of mind.
But on the contrary, because I feel that placing my hope in people instead of placing it in Hashem causes me harm, I am seriously considering doing a planned “madness” instead of falling on Shabbat or Yom Tov when I don't have my Torah classes and the tests increase. May everything I do be only the will of Hashem.

Day 0:

For me this is a very important decision. It would hurt me if I am not accepted in a community, so you could say “I depend on a person.” But no, after thinking about it, he is only a messenger of Hashem so I really only depend on Hashem.
But it would still be painful, even if the moreh tells me not to be discouraged. Now that they gave me hope, I can stand up once again (the appointment is tomorrow).

When I have to choose between something that I don't know if it's right to do and something that's very wrong to do, bli neder, I'm going to choose the better of the bad. This seems logical, I usually choose only the good or only the bad, not the half-assed.
For example, I had to choose between studying for college at Chol HaMoed or surrendering to temptation (another fall).

If it were not for the suffering, I would not have approached Hashem. But I don't know of a correct method to deal with suffering.

Day 1:

Hashem answered my prayers, just what I asked for.

Day 2:

I'm tired of looking for meaning in the mitzvot, I'm going to remind myself to love Hashem even if the mitzvah doesn't make sense.
Just as Avraham did.


dove63 wrote on 23 Mar 2025 19:18:

Before I thought that maybe Hashem loved me, but now Hashem has shown me, not only in theory but also in practice. Now I am sure.
He showed me that even the Jews and even the tzadikim have no power to do good or the opposite, everything is done by Hashem.
I also learned that we are never that far from Hashem, because as long as we are alive we can do teshuvah (Even if we have seen someone inappropriately and on purpose, that is no reason to see things or do things worse).

Day 3:

The tests are getting harder, I'm excited.
The next Shabbat will be, be'ezrat Hashem, the first one in that community.
I plan to spend one Shabbat in the community and the next one alone, and so on. Although I may change my mind.

Wishing you hatzlacha for your first Shabbat there, Brother Dove. May it be an uplifting and connecting experience for you.

Day 4:

I have group work in college and if a goya wants to be part of my group I can't avoid it, I have no arguments.
Even though I have to talk to them, I know that I am not far from Hashem.
But I must try harder to avoid it.

Although I don't understand why these tests I don't care, I just did what Hashem commands.

Today I went to the health center for an exam, and the nurse who attended me offended me.
I guess it was because of my beard, because I haven't shaved in a few weeks, or because she hates men, or because she treats everyone like that.

I'm not sure what to do about this, for now I'm going to assume that Hashem wants me to know that these types of people exist and should not affect me.

Did you try something like Web Chaver?

dove63 wrote on 30 Apr 2025 13:44:

Brother Dov, 
I am completely speechless...........

Now i would love to add more speechlike things, but i am speechless......... 

hashemisonmyside wrote on 30 Apr 2025 19:46:

I avoid using anything on the internet where I have to pay. I am proud to have a whitelist mode web filter that can only be removed with the master password or by formatting the computer, and all completely free.

I should add that BenHashemBH recommended 24six, but you have to pay for it so it is not an option for me (A member of GYE sent me by mail songs for Shabbat and for chizuk I thank him, it's good).

The small problem I have is that even if I don't want to I need to use a smartphone so I borrow it from Ima and I can't filter it from whitelist mode because sometimes she needs to access to several websites and it take some time to add them.

(Day 5: Another successful day).