I had a memory of a gut vort this morning - ועת צרה היא ליעקב וממנה (ממנה דוקא) יושע. May it be soon.

Bh I saw some progress today in my work. Hashem throwing me a line

I'm back to report a milestone - 150* clean days!!

I can tell there is real progress. Today, I was sent a link to a podcast for some Torah learning for my son, and realized that this podcast platform works on my computer despite my filter. In the past, I would have run through a bunch of news podcasts, and eventually go to some explicit ones to numb out anxiety. Instead, I recognized the inherent dangers involved for me and closed the platform before I went down the ol' problematic pattern. I will be contactingcontacted right away (!!) my filter company to blacklist it for me.

Somehow, through a really challenging time and a very interesting process, Hashem has given me enough awareness, resilience, hope, priorities, focus, vayimaen videos, and time out from all elements of satisfaction through stimulation - including over 3 months of no intimacy - to overcome this challenge.
I know that my issues in this area may just be what has been holding me back from a good, successful life, and there are some huge opportunities lurking around the corner, so this victory gives me hope.

Real tough seeing my wife in bed all day, struggling to manage basic survival. Last two months have been extra rough. Though she has been worse off before - to the point I was afraid she wouldn't make it - its hard to see progress and then see what appears to be regression. 

(I had a long process to come to the clarity that my spiritual machalah could not have been the sole cause of her physical diseases. But I do still have to hope that each time I overcome my yetzer, I have an opportunity to ask for a yeshuah for her.)
  

I have to recognize that an area of huge improvement is that if something crossed my path, whether an attractive form or body part, or alluring picture/info online, or some other opportunity, my status quo was that once I looked, I already sinned so might as well give up and enjoy the sin. 
Nowadays, I am finding myself multiple times a day - because there is no way you can be the Mommy and Tatty for all family needs and not see women - that something will cross my sight, and I make the decision to promptly stop and look away.

Thats the stuff im talking about!!
The trick is to  learn and master that craft, just move on. The desire will tickle you sometimes more and sometimes less. 
But its not impossible to move on! Thats the biggest lie the YH sold us for years. 

Bh day 152* clean.

I've discovered on my journey that there is never a break; there are only different styles of challenges at different stages, and the hope is that if I got through all the last stages, I should have hope that I can get through the current one as well.

Bh I have been feeling the freedom of relief from the intense urges I used to have, and I am extremely grateful. I am sure this will get better as time goes on, recognizing I still need to be vigilant.

The current challenge is feeling a deep weariness in life, that everything feels stuck, not much progress. I'm not in crisis mode at this moment bh, I did a lot of that for many years.

When I feel like that - I just have to tell myself that the major progress today is: "152". At day 1, that would have been just fine for me, so it should be now.

153* 

Just a thought for all those about to roll up their sleeves next week for kashering:

The reason and methodology for kashering is based on the halacha of "kebolo kach polto". If chametz was absorbed more deep due to a more intense application of heat, the only way to remove it is with the same or greater heat.

I am well aware that I spent a good portion of my life hard-wiring my brain to images and stimulation that changed my circuitry and perspectives, and in one way or another touched every area of my life. This goes far beyond the "ego" that is generally referred to as the deeper meaning of chometz - this is my entire psyche. 

How is it possible to rewire it all? How to "bleach" the hard drive, and then reprogram it, while I'm living my daily life and tending to my responsibilities?

There's a lot of scrubbing to be done on my side, a lot of deep cracks to clean out, a lot of soul-searching and honesty.  But by my nature, I can't willingly subject myself to pain and a whole host of negative feelings.  I just want to be free.

Hashem in His infinite kindness has given me hagoloh and libun kal. I'm sure there are forms of libun gamur people go through that I thankfully haven't received, and I know that if Hashem had allowed me to take just a few more wrong steps I probably would have needed that as well.

So if I am going through a hard time in life- I need to remember that Hashem is rewiring me. 

Thanks to all of you for holding my hand through the process and reassuring me I'll get through the Pesach prep to experience Yetzias Mitzrayim.