88... I remember thinking to myself a long while back that I would give $100,000 to become and stay sober - so why am I so worried when there is no money? I can still dance that I am sober for so long!!

My filter makes my work very hard - the "technology" category is blocked because i managed, in my desperation, to figure out every way around until I blocked it. (I could have been a research consultant to filters to find out every possible loophole). Now I can only access with my wife's passcode, and due to her health situation it can take days until we can call in together to the filter to get a site whitelisted.  But I know with clarity that the frustration is much much better than the alternative.

Great Vayimaen video today - Bandits in Baghdad - Hashem will give it all back to me and more, the same pleasure I tried accessing b'issur and had to block, will come to me b'heter in sobriety.  If it seems harder to make money the "normal" way - Hashem will provide it another way.

Go figure. An addict has big dreams of accomplishing good and bringing morality to the world and big projects on the table - and is broke, has a sick wife, five kids, and a host of other issues to work through.

Hashem has interesting ways...

Wow brother it sounds rough    not a huge chizuk guy try to be more of a noysa beol  but heard something today so I guess I'll share. The ramban had a talmid that was sick  so the ramban gave him a list of questions to ask when he gets to shamayim and to come back to him in a dream and tell him the answers   after the talmid died he came in a dream and told him how geshmak it is up there, the ramban asked whats with my questions did you get the answeres ?  The talmid answered here there's no questions.   If that's mechazik you great if not promptly. Ignore.   Also  imh as  the yesoid gets stronger everything just seems to work out better(as HHM told me ).      So hatslcha my brother.  Much success!!!!

Thank you for the story and being noysai be'ol! May we be zoiche to see more answers in our lifetime, and when not, to keep up the emunah, bitachon and hard work.

best to you as well dear brother.

89 days wow. but i realized i am sitting here on GYE instead of connecting to my wife.
Big challenge for a year - aside from my wife's extreme health challenges, she has been on an utterly baffling spiritual journey. Not going to get into details but on one hand it seems amazing and the other seems crazy and at sometimes its been psychotic.
And she has lost interest in my passions and direction for future stability due to the fact that it hasn't yet been successful, I haven't been sober, she is on her own path, and other reasons.
For months we have had very little time/headspace to connect other than my taking care of her physical needs the whole day. Painful.
So we have been very emotionally separate, not connecting much even though we both know we really need each other and we have experienced an amazing deep relationship, despite my addiction and her having health challenges since we got married, and worse when she got steadily debilitating lyme disease 10 yrs ago.
I took her today on a 30 minute drive to an appointment we needed to take - this was probably a longer drive than she has had in over a year (she has been in bed most of the day, every day, for about 5 years with some interludes) so we had some time to talk. She asked me "what are your relationship needs?" 
I told her I am here to show up as our relationship allows and look forward to coming back closer, and that I can't make any part of our relationship a "need" because having expectations will just backfire. 

I'm hoping Hashem will show the way. Right now just hanging tight to my sobriety - tomorrow is 90 days!!!!

A gut chodesh, a big yasher koiach to GYE for making space to unburden.

Oy Chaver this is so painful to read. I can't even imagine.

Please accept a virtual hug.

Mazal Tov on the upcoming day 90!! 
I wish you only brocha and that your wife has a refuah sheleimah. 

Dear Rabbi Yossi, 

Blown away by your courage and strength. I was in the same boat as you. Took me untill the 33 to stop masturbating every week. 
It is possible. Once you convince yourself that its possible, your mindset will change. 

I know life if tough sometimes. Nobody goes thru life just strolling thru. it would be the worst thing in all the worlds..... why get born if you dont grow? 
No, we are here to build bridges and tunnels for Hashems light to shine into this world. We do this by not giving up! Nothing can make us give up hope! 
Our job is to put 1 foot in front of the other, thats not so hard is it? usually not. 

By going thru this struggle and NOT GIVING UP, you will so much more about yourself and the world and Hashem, that im sure I wouldnt have this had I been born without this struggle.  This fight has thought me so much.

Dont give up! 
You need to celebrate. You want my advice? 

Turn on music drink a bit, start dancing because you are alive and you are a YID! A hilige YID!!! YES YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hashem I love you! Thank you for challenging me! I know you only do whats best for me, and i know you hear me and i know that you will make things easier for me. 

Keep on trucking, Yossi!

Thank you for chancy for taking the time to write that beautiful post!

I'll be dancing tonight and having you in mind because... 

I'M SOBER 90 DAYS!!!!!

May Hashem reward my sacrifice - which is huge for me, even though it was always just my responsibility- with complete refuas hanefesh urefuas haguf for my wife, and the close relationship we both want.
And may he reward me with more sobriety, mitzvah goreres mitzvah/schar mitzvah mitzvah.
I'll also ask for a yeshua in parnassah to take care of my wife and family, and the ability to channel my challenges into strength to bring morality to the world.
I'm sure Hashem could have given all that to me long ago, maybe He just needed me to get sober. Maybe he won't give it to me yet because I need 180 days, or 30 years sober, or I'll never deserve it. No way to know. But I believe He wants me to do good in this world, otherwise He wouldn't have led me down a path that holds so much potential.
And I know Hashem wants me here - I've been miraculously saved from taking my life, and experienced too many miracles to not know that Hashem is with me all the time - even when though my yetzer hara tells me I don't deserve to be around. 
Well, I am around, and Hashem was just mechadesh the world a second ago with me in it.
And I'll continue to be sober tomorrow, with Hashem's help.

WELL.

After I communicated with full truth to the government about the issue at hand, they said today that I can go ahead with the plan that would bring in the extra 100-150k per year.

Hashem's reminding me that I will NEVER lose out by telling the truth.  I intend to continue doing so, and hopefully that will be one more good reason to stay sober since I know my wife will question me about my progress, and I am DONE lying about it or saying half truths.

Mazel Tov Rabbi Yossi!!!!! 

You know that meaning your birthday is? the day Hashem decided that the world cannot be without you. You deserve to live and not because of anything you did or will ever do, NO. Because you and me and all Yidishe Kinder are intrinsically holy and good and He loves us. Thats the reason why we are here, and thats the reason He gives us everything we need. 
When you see you are not getting something or something is too hard for you, its to teach you something about yourself, about your mission, your relationship with His. Hashem wants us to grow for our own good, so he puts obstacles to point us in the right direction. All we need to do is accept that He is behind EVERYTHING, that He cares more than we care for ourselvs, and that He knows whats best for us better that we do. 
Trust Him, get closer to Him, let Him lead you in the right direction.  Try that and you will feel such love to Him that you cannot believe. 

Dance some more my Dear Brother, Dance like your life depands on it.

Good Shabbos 

Wow wow imh by all of us !!!      LCHAIM LCHAIM LCHAIM.  !!!    ASHRECHA!    I can't even begin to imagine how you stay strong it seems like there's a lot going on by you. Everything should work out and go well.    Just some friendly advice don't wanna ruin the party  but the struggle ain't over....