I had a memory of a gut vort this morning - ועת צרה היא ליעקב וממנה (ממנה דוקא) יושע. May it be soon.

Bh I saw some progress today in my work. Hashem throwing me a line

I'm back to report a milestone - 150* clean days!!

I can tell there is real progress. Today, I was sent a link to a podcast for some Torah learning for my son, and realized that this podcast platform works on my computer despite my filter. In the past, I would have run through a bunch of news podcasts, and eventually go to some explicit ones to numb out anxiety. Instead, I recognized the inherent dangers involved for me and closed the platform before I went down the ol' problematic pattern. I will be contactingcontacted right away (!!) my filter company to blacklist it for me.

Somehow, through a really challenging time and a very interesting process, Hashem has given me enough awareness, resilience, hope, priorities, focus, vayimaen videos, and time out from all elements of satisfaction through stimulation - including over 3 months of no intimacy - to overcome this challenge.
I know that my issues in this area may just be what has been holding me back from a good, successful life, and there are some huge opportunities lurking around the corner, so this victory gives me hope.

Real tough seeing my wife in bed all day, struggling to manage basic survival. Last two months have been extra rough. Though she has been worse off before - to the point I was afraid she wouldn't make it - its hard to see progress and then see what appears to be regression. 

(I had a long process to come to the clarity that my spiritual machalah could not have been the sole cause of her physical diseases. But I do still have to hope that each time I overcome my yetzer, I have an opportunity to ask for a yeshuah for her.)
  

I have to recognize that an area of huge improvement is that if something crossed my path, whether an attractive form or body part, or alluring picture/info online, or some other opportunity, my status quo was that once I looked, I already sinned so might as well give up and enjoy the sin. 
Nowadays, I am finding myself multiple times a day - because there is no way you can be the Mommy and Tatty for all family needs and not see women - that something will cross my sight, and I make the decision to promptly stop and look away.

Thats the stuff im talking about!!
The trick is to  learn and master that craft, just move on. The desire will tickle you sometimes more and sometimes less. 
But its not impossible to move on! Thats the biggest lie the YH sold us for years. 

Bh day 152* clean.

I've discovered on my journey that there is never a break; there are only different styles of challenges at different stages, and the hope is that if I got through all the last stages, I should have hope that I can get through the current one as well.

Bh I have been feeling the freedom of relief from the intense urges I used to have, and I am extremely grateful. I am sure this will get better as time goes on, recognizing I still need to be vigilant.

The current challenge is feeling a deep weariness in life, that everything feels stuck, not much progress. I'm not in crisis mode at this moment bh, I did a lot of that for many years.

When I feel like that - I just have to tell myself that the major progress today is: "152". At day 1, that would have been just fine for me, so it should be now.

153* 

Just a thought for all those about to roll up their sleeves next week for kashering:

The reason and methodology for kashering is based on the halacha of "kebolo kach polto". If chametz was absorbed more deep due to a more intense application of heat, the only way to remove it is with the same or greater heat.

I am well aware that I spent a good portion of my life hard-wiring my brain to images and stimulation that changed my circuitry and perspectives, and in one way or another touched every area of my life. This goes far beyond the "ego" that is generally referred to as the deeper meaning of chometz - this is my entire psyche. 

How is it possible to rewire it all? How to "bleach" the hard drive, and then reprogram it, while I'm living my daily life and tending to my responsibilities?

There's a lot of scrubbing to be done on my side, a lot of deep cracks to clean out, a lot of soul-searching and honesty.  But by my nature, I can't willingly subject myself to pain and a whole host of negative feelings.  I just want to be free.

Hashem in His infinite kindness has given me hagoloh and libun kal. I'm sure there are forms of libun gamur people go through that I thankfully haven't received, and I know that if Hashem had allowed me to take just a few more wrong steps I probably would have needed that as well.

So if I am going through a hard time in life- I need to remember that Hashem is rewiring me. 

Thanks to all of you for holding my hand through the process and reassuring me I'll get through the Pesach prep to experience Yetzias Mitzrayim.

158* days clean.

Just feeling tremendous gratitude to my family, friends and community for their generosity in supporting my family through this Pesach in a way of harchavah, it allows me to spend all day preparing for Pesach and not worrying about buying what I need or how I will make it through when I have no time to work. 

As well, some good improvement in my relationship with my wife and feeling that she is coming to a more stable space spiritually and mentally, even as her physical state is tough.  Bh she felt part of Pesach prep by writing and following up on many lists from bed. 

I am amazed that Pesach is coming together with so little stress, kids are all helping out. Thank you Hashem for showing me some open love!!

166* days clean. Bh I made it through the Pesach prep and had enjoyable sedorim with my kids, and it was wonderful to have my wife in good enough health to join.  I have to make peace now with taking care of my wife, kids and house for the next full week, all pesach food and not much time for myself. 
Wife is getting nervous at me for not making enough money when I have had no time the past month, I am spending half the day running around for her. Argh. In general it feels we are just getting more distant, talking less as time goes on. One negative conversation led me to feel very down and almost lost my streak.
166* days does not necessarily mean there will be 167*. I was coaching someone about a similar struggle last night and told him that this would be a very hard battle, but that Hashem gave him the strength to get through it and that he would be a better person on the other side. Sometimes Hashem arranges it so that I have to say certain things in order to apply them to myself.

That last post was unfortunately a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I got to such a place of desperation and frustration with Hashem and life yesterday, didn't call, and fell to masturbation at 1 AM. A lot of things that went wrong that in hindsight I could have obviated.



Back to square 1. But it was the best streak in my life - 166 days, and I intend to replicate it and many more.  Bh I'm not binging, not depressed over it, not giving up. Just understanding myself and knowing that there is a steep uphill battle for me. I hope my previous experience gives me more insight and strength going forward.

May you bounce back in the Zechus of all the chizuk you have given us.

Yossis! 
You got this! I know you do! You know as well! Its an steep climb on a slippery ladder, We slip sometimes. But we grab on hard and we keep climbing. 
Its that simple. 

The more you practice diffusion, the easier it will get. 
Yes, it feels good to do the sex thing
Yes, You crave it. 
But, You are a hielige yid, not a GOY
You are a human being not an animal you have choice
You are a loyal!!! Husband and father.
You learn and Daven and do tons of mitzvos
You are Hashems child and He wants only the best for you. Including winning this battle. 
You are in control of your deeds, nobody and nothing can force you to do anyhing. It might be enticing and hard not to act out, But if you dont keep the fantasies alive, they go away. No desire lasts forever. 

Now, when you are still feeling the pain and frustration, sit for a few minutes and register how terrible this stuff makes you feel. 
How disappointed you feel. 
How fake this thing it
How much it damages your holy Neshama. Sear it into your brain so that you will come to a place of swearing you are NEVER doing this again.  Its very powerful and can save you in the future. 

Good luck dear brother! 

Love
Chancy Hakuten

Back in the saddle again. That was a tough fall but I was under some stress way beyond my capacity.

6 days. I'll post more tomorrow. I know I'll get back up and better than before, with Hashem's help.

2 weeks clean bh. Starting to live life for Hashem in a more real way.

Why is the post-addiction period so hard? Why the need for "insanity therapy"? Why can't I just get back to a normal life and be a good person?

Recently, someone I knew was uncomfortable with the life he was living, and decided to run away and explore the frozen expanses of Alaska, thinking that he might find more peace and enjoyment in that adventure.  So he traveled to the last house on the edge of the last settlement beyond which only lay ice, and no signs of life.

At that house, he told his hosts his idea. But those grizzled veterans of the landscape he was about to trek through warned him not to go further - his wonderful adventure might end and disaster, and even if he would somehow make it back, it would be a painful process. But he waved it off - he would deal with the consequences later.

Putting on the warmest clothes he could find, he left the safety of the house and his kind hosts and plunged into a trek that seemed wild and wonderful and scary at the same time.  Something inside him told him he should go back before he went too far and got lost, but another side of him assured him that he knew they way back, and the desire to explore was irresistible. 

Soon, he started to feel sweaty from his heavy coat, so he removed that and some other layers, sure he could manage without. But then a chill and a tiredness started setting in, and he wasn't quite sure of the path to get back. Anyways, who knew what amazing find lurked around the next corner?

Then - around the corner of a bend in the glacier - he saw some unusual form rise out of the flat ice, and he rushed to see what it could be. As he approached, he saw that it was an ice statue of a beautiful woman, surely expertly carved by an Eskimo who had intended for him to experience it up close.  As he touched the statue and was entranced by the artistic form, he felt an urge to hug it, hold it and not let go of this experience for which he had traveled so long and so far. He felt the ice freeze his whole body, but he was at peace. Why care anymore about finding warmth? He drifted off into a deep sleep....

Through a deep haze, he heard the shouts of the inhabitants of the house he had left so long ago it seemed like an eternity. He could barely breath or hear, much less make any noise, but he knew instinctively that they were trying to help him out of the goodness of their hearts. He felt them trying to pull him off the statue, but he was completely frozen to it. With no other choice, they chopped the statue down, and, with him attached, loaded it onto the dog sleds, furiously trying to speed home before it was too late.

Back at the house, next to a blazing fire, they tried to chip away at the ice and peel him off with sharp tools, limb by limb. As each finger came free, he felt the frostbite, the burning sensation of warmth returning, but it was so painful. Sometimes he wanted to just grab the statue again and be numbed from the pain, but then he knew he would have to relive it again in the process of breaking free. With every new breath of life, every movement, he learned to become thankful for the pain, thankful for the efforts of those who did not give up on him despite his not heeding their passionate pleas for him to not end up in his sorry state.

Finally, after the pain and the tingling that seemed to last forever subsided, he was able to break his body free of the statue. He flung it as far as he could out of the door and swore to not look back. Whenever that itch, that desire for a frozen adventure came back, he remembered not only the exhortations of his now close friends, but also the inevitable pain accompanying the return that was DEFINITELY not worth the risk.

yossis.smart wrote on 13 May 2025 16:42:

Gosh darn it, you have a way with words........
Love the Mashal, so true. Only in my case i go more for the heat......... I would never go to Alaska, let alone touch a freezing piece of ice..........