Doing well here - KUTGW!

Remember, this is something you CAN do, don't let your y"h tell you otherwise...

BH the test went well today and other than that, i had no time to worry about anything other than biology so shemiras einayim was a non-issue. and now heading into shavuos, i look forward to the chag and hopefully things will go well for everyone!

day 8: building it up momentum heading into shavuos!

Enjoy the learning, and have a great yom tov!

i fell. so that i'll be able to grow from this fall (now as well as if i ever re-read my thread), i want to elaborate.

i had my final IB test today, the last high school test i will ever take. i got home from school and essentially decided that i would use my family's computer, though i'm not sure why. with both my parents at work and my siblings at school, the usual deterrent was gone. the computer has unrestricted internet access and this has obviously proven disastrous in the past. and now i sit here, trying to figure things out. i know i shouldn't have used the computer but honestly, even if i am upstairs using my computer, i know that downstairs lies a much more "interesting" option, to say the least. does anyone have any tips to avoid or eliminate this menace lurking downstairs?

it disgusts me to say it, but something in me still wants to watch it. maybe this is just a teenage hormonal phase i'll grow out of. maybe not. maybe this is the culmination of 2 years of being unable to fight this battle. maybe not. all i know is that when i do want to fight my Y"H, i can. i can find things to do, torah to study, time to spend with my family. whatever. but then there are other times when i simply feel like not fighting. c"v this does not mean i actively seek things out, but sometimes if a thought is planted into my mind, i wont fight for reasons only Hashem knows. at least from my perspective, i cannot recall a time when i tried to reverse courses on this journey, though i guess some would consider that a fall. regardless, i find that a lot of my battle i feel is being fought impassively rather than actively.

i just struggle with the fact that i have this dual personality. Hashem blesses me with the acceptance into a beautiful yeshivah, one of my lifelong dreams. and how do i repay him? i have been blessed with a healthy family with few financial troubles and yet i cannot see this beauty day to day. hopefully this is an internal call to action and to do more to see Hashem's hand in my life...

so where to from here? obviously i'll keep my head up, stand to fight another day. but to be honest, the daily grind has been tough. being on the forum, seeing other members make it to 90 days on their second or third try is absolutely inspirational. but at the same time, something deep inside me wonders why i cant do the same... do i lack trust or love of Hashem? maybe fear of Hashem? I guess only a certain degree of soul-searching and hisbodedus will answer these questions.

for those who have read this post, i say todah rabah. after shabbos, i'll be able to report back with a more hopeful, lively post, free from such negative and challenging thoughts.

Good shabbos one. Good shabbos all.

Shlomo! you do appreciate what Hashem gave you! don't tell yourself other wise! you just told us what you appreciate! you need to call out for help and if not that skate board and all the like! don't get stuck inside by yourself! keep reflecting you will understand one day! have a great shabbos!

First of all, I'm glad to hear that you're back up.

Regarding people who reached 90 days on their first try or so, well, some of us might not have as strong a struggle as you do. Also, some of us may have had to suffer a lot more humiliation, which forced them to see their actions through a clearer lens. Plus, therapy is always useful, albeit expensive. Not always necessary, but in my situation, I think it was. So you're doing this on your own, without the severe wake-up call that I had. It might take you a bit longer, but you CAN get there.

Most people have trouble feeling grateful for the blessings they have in everyday life. The fact that you're able to see these things is amazing. The fact that you're doing so as a teenager, is nothing short of mind-boggling.

The daily grind does get tough - but first of all, the goal is to slowly but surely reach the point where we don't turn to these things as a source of constant pleasure. And here's the key - yes, there are times when we don't want to fight it. When we WANT to just give in. But even then, we're able to walk away. You know this. As difficult as it is, it is possible, and when you do it, you'll feel great.

Please keep us posted, and know that you always have my deepest respect.

chazak, SB- once again, thanks for keeping me going. you guys deserve some type of award.

so i spent shabbos (and half of today) watching over the kids of a family friend. the room in which i stayed belonged to one of the sons and the walls were covered with posters of professional (male) athletes and sports magazine covers. when i woke up shabbos morning, i looked up at the wall and saw one poster that i hadnt noticed the night before that was a huge inspiration to me. the poster read (and this is not a joke): "I would LOVE to be able to make it to 90" it was a quite from an elderly football coach, but its meaning was like a (good) slap in the face.... thus far on my journey with GUE, that was the biggest wake-up call i've had.

but i also did a bit of hisbodedus over shabbos that really helped me out. i guess all i have left to say is that i hope i can stay on guard for as long as I can (hopefully for the rest of my life) and beat this, though in reality, i'm just keeping my mind on today.

day 2: perspective shift.

day 1 as always

There is an award - it's called "getting to watch Shlomo grow!"

Your constant ability to see inspiration keeps me inspired, as well.

Keep on rocking!

dido SB!

so today i had a close call. i went to a shacharis minyan this morning which is a treat for me, as i typically dont go to a minyan because i live like 25 minutes from the closest shul....so i got back from an enthusiastic shacharis and, once again for reasons i cant explain, i sat at the family computer with unrestricted access and almost fell. it seems the Y"H gets on my case extra strong any opportunity he can get to combat any real kedusha i can find in my life....i guess thats how it goes....

on a happier note, right now, for the next two and a half weeks, i'm going to be doing a senior project: beatboxing. now, i'm in the midst of general beatbox and recording practice but i ordered an amp and a loopstation (Kaoss Pad 3) and i'm really excited as i can start taking my beatboxing more seriously now. just as a side note, i made my first "real" recording last week, an acapella version of Matisyahu's One Day. (i can PM a link to it if you want...its on youtube though  :-\). and although this is just a thought, i might start writing raps as a way to express myself in addition to beatboxing. its something that i really enjoy and especially since seeing a family friend's husband rap, its been more appealing to me recently. i'll see how things go .

well, day 3: a slight ripple...hoping to calm the waters

day 1 as always

I really like that song! i had no idea until today that it was by Matisyahu! it is on a video game i like to play (NBA2k10) and i never new who sang it but my sister showed me a YU acappela the "maccabeats" (also on youtube) i would love to hear what you did! rapping seems so cooling! (rapping aint in my future!  ) speak soon Shlomo keep it up!

So you know that that computer is poison for you...figure out a plan for staying away.

KUTGW!!

Also glad to hear that you're enjoying beatboxing, and are actively involved in it. Sounds awesome!

BH, today has gone well. i had nothing too serious planned for the first half but managed to occupy myself. I then played a tennis match with some of my friends and now i'm about to go to a baseball game with one of my friends. We have amazing seats, both that they were cheap and that theyre right behind one of the dugouts, and this is my first game in more than a year. But i look forward to being able to spending a fun night with a friend and also hope that i can keep my eyes in check. hope all is well with everyone else!

day 4: back on the chart, working to keep it going

day 1 as always

COMON!!!

so happy to see you back on the chart...its time, it this one, i can feel it (as BEZRAT HASHEM so can you!!!

enjoy the game and use your days without temptation to plan for thios storm ones ahead!!!

Enjoy the time..and enjoy the growth!

You might enjoy my recent post, quoting Briut from another thread and tacking my own elaboration onto his comments...