B"H, today has gone well.

(sidenote- i donated blood for the first time today at a school blood drive. very rewarding experience. :D)

moving on, last night, while saying tikkun haklali, i really tried to focus on being bittul before hashem, like SB mentioned. i think now i'm starting to realize how helpless i really am in this struggle. yes i have GUE, one of my greatest tools, but now i'm trying to turn this battle over to Hashem. like i've read in the 12 step articles and stories, the most important thing is to "let go and let G-d." after meditating on this concept for a while and having it be one of my main kavanos during davening, i hope i can turn it into action.

yiddle2- i contemplated writing that my y"h was the one pushing those thoughts in my mind and while i recognize it to be true, in my case, i feel like it would just be me just taking some of the weight off of my shoulders. i'm not trying to burden myself with these thoughts, but i want to be honest with myself. and even though i may do so, i by no means want to lessen my fight with (and hatred towards) my y"h. i completely agree that i simply need to stop listening to these "rationalizations" of my y"h/me and thats certainly one area where i will work hard. thanks for your post.

humanbeing- i agree that the drastic steps dont last. my mind was a little clouded after yesterday and while i had good intentions, they werent realistic. i'll definitely be following your suggestion. and also, (i know you wrote about this in the accountability group), but i cant join DC's call just because i have school and my lunch doesnt start until 1240. i really wish i could and maybe if i get some time off and the opportunity presents itself....

silentbattle- thanks for the chizuk. you cant begin to imagine how much it has helped me.

silentbattle, andrewsh, yiddle2- i can only say thank you. todah rabah. i truly mean it.

Yashar koach on donating blood! Huge mitzvah!

When we turn things over to hashem, there's another aspect there as well - I feel like I'm handing control of my body over to hashem, and I try to fill myself completely with ratzon hashem. And I believe that that brings me closer to hashem in general! So that's always a good thing.

I agree with yiddle on this one - don't take the weight off your shoulders, but it's good to remind yourself that...Well, what do we say when we feel these urges?

We say, "I want this so badly! I need this!" But the truth is, that it's not us - it's the yetzer hora, speaking in our voice! Now, it's hard to remember that all the time, but it's good to remind ourselves of it every once in a while - I don't really want that at all!

I think it's healthy and normal to WANT to take drastic measures - but now use that energy and focus it into slow and steady growth and progress!

Shlomo, I think I speak for all of us, as I say once again - reading your thread gives us chizuk, and you're a constant inspiration to us all!

And, of course - Rock on!

(speaking of which - anything happen with the guitar?)

i'm still trying to work things out with the guitar. my friend who i plan to buy it from wants to figure out pricing so hopefully things will get taken care of tomorrow or by the end of the week.

well, its been a long day with school so the update will be short for tonight. i'm still going strong and i'm feeling changes in my daily living, as i have been over the last two months. i'm grateful for GUE everyday and i daven that everyone on the forum (and all yidden facing this issue) are helped by Hashem.

day 2: the wind is starting to fill the sails. now i just gotta maintain my course. 

Yar, matey!

BTW - did you get my PM?

Shlomo wrote on 02 Mar 2010 23:06:


I didnt say that you didnt do it, I just said(or meant) your Yetzer Hara talked you into it. A dog is trained to chase the ball when its thrown. If the owner throws the ball into the street and the dog gets hit by a car, its the dog's fault, but the owner something to do with it...

-Yiddle

day 3: still going strong.

hopefully i'll have a longer weekend update. starting the tennis season is wearing me down physically. boy, do i have to get in shape  8)

(early) Good Shabbos, Good Shabbos.

have a great shabbos, enjoy getting back into shape!

this is not the weekend update i had in mind. :'(

i fell this afternoon. i'll leave it at that. now i know that i cannot trust myself with any computer. period.

i realized that at least one of the sources of this problem is that i haven't been posting daily. i've been checking GUE every day, but not updating. this is something i'll work on so i'm not constantly posting the bad stuff. :-\

i've also realized that i still have a load of work to do regarding time management, especially in regards to torah study. if i spent less time on homework and other things by wasting less time, i would have more free time in general, especially to study torah, and to hopefully catch up on sleep. also, if i spent more of my free time studying torah, my life would be that much fuller.

after reading through my entire thread, i've noticed that after a fall, i always post a disappointed message. my resolve then returns for a few days and then (typically because of a lack of posting on my part) it appears that this resolve fizzles out. at least for now, i want to focus on keeping my mind focused and staying b'simcha.

day 0.

Good - keep focused, and keep on trucking!

But as always, we (I) ask - what are you going to do differently? OK, you've identified the fact that you don't want to trust yourself with the computer. A good step - you're admitting powerlessness, saying that you don't want to put yourself into a situation where you'll HAVE to be powerful.

So what are you going to do? Are there any other safeguards you can put into place?

Time management is important.

Another thing, that I'm trying to work on now, is not going online unless I have something specific to do - and having clear goals, and not doing anything else online.

I know that Rollercoaster feeling my good man...Keep at it. Perhaps try SA meeting in your area since th forum etc. not working...I myself joined SA through DuvidChaim's group...those that went through the program (i.e. Steve and others) have been sober from Lust addictions from when they "graduated" - It give me hope.

i think the biggest safeguard and fence that i can put up for now is just time management. there's nothing as useful as well-spent time but nothing as dangerous as wasting it. every so often, i'll go into a phase where my learning is extremely rewarding and focused and at least for now, this is my biggest area to focus on. and, SB, i've already started to use your idea of only using the internet when i have a purpose. its working  ;D. its so simple, yet so brilliant!!

as for SA meetings or the DC phonecall, i just dont know if they're for me. i'm only about to turn 18 (yikes  :o) and i dont want to say that i am strongly addicted, if addicted at all. i think that given my past of growing up in a rather secular family and being exposed to all things untznius for virtually my entire life, this is something that virtually everyone is telling me is okay. despite the absolute falsehood in this idea, i still dont know if i need to take this step yet. and actually HB, i feel like the forum is working. my mindset has done a complete 180 since joining two months ago and although the results aren't there yet, its been pretty trial-n-error up to this point but i feel like i'm starting to get over a big hill.

well, once again, i'm pretty beat from tennis but things today have gone great, especially in regards to shmiras einayim while at school. i'll work to keep it up.

day 1: startin' strong.

Great to hear that, man! You rock!

Yes, it does seem so simple. Isn't always so easy, but it's a major step in the right direction - and I'm working on it!

As far as the DC calls - if you can do it, might be a good idea. Don't know how'd you'd work it with your school schedule, but if you could...the way I see it, you don't have to be an addict to benefit from the phone calls. The meetings the calls - they teach skills, they teach a change in perspective that can work for both an addict and a non-addict.

To some degree, are you powerless? Yes. Has your life become unmanageable? Certainly not - but maybe it has? To some small degree, have you lost the ability to manage parts of your life in the way you'd like to?

Then you can use the technology of the 12 steps to help you improve yourself.

wow. after reading my post, i feel like i came off in a weird manner. i didnt mean to be so hard-nosed against doing a program, especially the DC call. the reality is that i know that i would benefit unimaginably from the calls. but at the same time (pun intended ), my lunch doesnt start until 1240 at the earliest. at the same time, i dunno if there's any way to hear a recording of the call? i know it'd be a lot of work and most likely not possible, but i feel like that might help people who cant be on the call...

and SB i agree that to a certain degree i'm powerless. hopefully the forum is enough to help me, slowly but surely, change this. i've looked into using the 12-steps but thus far, i havent gotten very far.

thanks for your post. it really helped! 

You didn't come off badly at all - i can totally understand where you're coming from - and I also guessed that timing might be an issue. Don't know about getting a recording.

I think that you are growing tremendously. And you'll continue to do so!

Rock on, bro!