It doesn't work to use our wives as outlets for uncontrolled urges and desires and as you wrote it only makes matters worse or rather more complex. It is much simpler to deal with our struggles effectively when it doesn't affect our relationship with another person. I was married and I only joined GYE after I was separated and by far, it was easier to overcome my challenges than if I was still living with my wife. I rewired my brain already and today I would have no difficulty with this anymore even if I were to be living with my wife but living separated definitely made it easier to overcome my challenges. For healthy people it might be easier married than single but for people with complex struggles of P&M, or just M marriage doesn't usually resolve the issue.

My struggles were due to negative emotions. Those emotions didn't go away with marriage. Instead, they just affected my relationship with my wife in a negative way. Struggles due to fantasies caused by P or otherwise also don't go away with marriage because the fantasy world doesn't exist in a real relationship the way it is portrayed in fantasy world. For this reason it just messes up what was meant to be a healthy marriage relationship by creating false expectations and improper and unhealthy behaviors. B"H you are single and hopefully your brain will be rewired before you get engaged. You will be much luckier than many of us who had to learn the hard way.

We will always have some urges but it usually gets much easier once we addressed the triggers that led to acting out effectively and we have also rewired our brain. What we are trying to gain with GYE, the F2F program and TBOTG is internal change. Everyone is different but for me internal change didn't happen yet when I had a clean streak of 40 days. Once internal change happens it usually get much easier but there can still be surprises.

You are doing very well and keep up your good work. You will eventually get there. Have faith in Hashem and keep on monster trucking.

funbuchur wrote on 08 Mar 2024 00:47:

I don't think you are delusional at all. As a bucher, you can't reason with yourself, why look at pornography and masturbate when I can just wait until tonight or sometime soon to have an actual healthy and positive physical relationship with my wife.

I can tell you that I have never written "when you get married it gets worse" and I don't recall that I regularly see it expressed that way on this forum. What I have written/would write and what I do see on here is that marriage doesn't solve the problem. The struggle doesn't go away just because there is--in your words--a positive outlet. Simply put, wives are not an on-demand service. Urges and temptation for married men don't line up with when wives are available. Also, marriage and family come with unique stressors and pressure that can lead to needing an escape.

You have the opportunity to overcome this struggle before your marriage. That is something that I wish I would have done. I wish I would've joined GYE before my marriage. It would've helped me so much.

You are doing so awesome. Keep up the great work! It won't be this hard forever, but for now, one day at a time.

Day 35
Wow. That’s put a better perspective. Thanks for the replies. Still have some time, and hopefully will have this under my control sooner rather than later. 
Also low key kinda crazy how I used to think If I don’t give in the urge will never go away till I give in. And I’m here living just fine and haven’t p & m in 5 weeks. Thank hashem.

I agree completely that marriage doesn't make it worse but definitely not the solution.  Getting rid of this before you get married and getting the building of a בית נאמן started with a better and stronger foundation will make your marriage exponentially better that you can possibly imagine.  I have been married for over 30 years and this last year of being clean has been one of the best years of my married life in all aspects. Keep up the fight we're all routing for you.

If someone is married and his wife finds out that he is involved in P&M or he is behaving improperly in the bedroom, his wife can be disgusted by his behavior and their shalom bayis can be devastated. The added conflict can make it much more complex to break free. His wife can also sometimes refuse to be with him in the bedroom because of his behavior. All this would be avoided if someone overcomes his struggles before he gets married. You are very lucky to be dealing with your struggles while you are single. Keep up your good work.

Day 37
Bh going strong. 
New week and new month. I joined gye last year at around this time. Only started taking it seriously this year, im very happy that I have people to talk to and finally taking this seriously. 

funbuchur wrote on 10 Mar 2024 17:42:

KOMT!!
It's amazing to watch you struggle and succeed time and again! 
Keep up the fight and you'll have it under control sooner - not later!

Day 38. 
trying to keep the offense going strong. Don’t wanna wait for urges trying to fortify before they come.  

Keep it up man! You're an inspiration for me!

Day 39 
had a big slip yesterday.. 
ended up not being able to get by my filter but for sure would have fell if I was able….
I guess it’s not a fall but now thinking what brought me there and how to stop it in the future. 

Great to hear the filter did its job keep it up don't let the YH make you doubt your convictions. Keep going man rooting for you!

Day 40
Still going. 

Great to hear!

Great news! Absolutely not a fall! I look at filters as a speed bump or pause button that gives you a chance to catch your breath and reconsider.   There is no way I would have stayed clean for over a year without them. Chances are you will always need a filter for when the urge sneaks up on you

Day 41 
Yesterday I was having an urge and I looked around the room and first thing I thought was no one else has such sicko thoughts what’s wrong with me. But then I realized I have other people who are just as real (sometimes I forget that the people on the forum are actual people) that are going through the same thing and working on themselves. And even if it was true that I am the only one in the room with these thoughts (Which I most probably am not) it’s ok because this is my tailor made life that I should overcome and be the best I can.