Daily check in time.
Really trying to check in every day, I think it's been helping.

Although the end of last week was extremely rough, this week has been going alot better. Shabbos was a really great reset. But one interesting thing I noticed from this past fall - which was the first major fall since pre-rosh hoshana. I had really been feeling clean before that fall. No old images popping up in my head during davening and whatnot, less sudden intense urges to act out, etc. It was a really good place to be that I only noticed after it was gone.

Today has been b"h very easy. Got a couple pieces of good news yesterday and it's always easier to fight the good fight when life is going well. I intend on calling HHM today, y'all can hold me to that tomorrow.

Today was good.

Had an interview at a really exciting sounding job, so that was an excellent distraction. Wanted to say something about not using unfiltered internet at the interview but was too scared. It's not a jewish company, but I could have said something about recovering addict - a language they can understand. Was too worried it would sink my chances. I do hope they have filtered internet, but who knows. I think they'll offer me the job, but likely not going to take it for other reasons.

Anyone have any experience making sure a non-jewish (very professional) office filters their internet?



Otherwise, today was pretty easy.

Maybe if you present it in terms of limiting time wasted it can go over well. And earn you brownie points. No personal experience tho

if you are concerned about using the office computer to view inappropriate content, many professional offices have policies in place that would make using the office computer for such activities grounds for dismissal.

You can mention that from a previous job you have experience that it is a rocket booster for productivity to get a filter. For yourself and your teammates, you have seen how much it helps you stay focused, and you are willing to try it here too... get something like techloq which won't slow you down..

I hope you are matzliach with convincing them to filter, but if not, be advised that in many companies the IT guy monitors Internet use to make sure employees are not wasting time - some officially designate time for personal use. Guys have reported very unpleasant meetings with management asking them to explain how a guy with a yamulke had been viewing pornography.....  Another eitza some guys here use is to have an accountability partner that they text before going online at work, and then text again at the end of the day that they stayed clean. Obviously the first choice is the filter - it blocks the bad stuff on the side bar of "kosher" sites, so try to convince them. Hatzlocha!

Hashem Help Me wrote on 26 Oct 2023 11:17:

That is a scary chillul hashem wow.

Thanks for the suggestions.
Thoughts of the IT reviewing my history may help, but eventually that may fade. Also, it's a small company that definitely doesn't have an IT guy on staff - maybe they have one on call.
It's the type of place where admitting weakness will not earn you brownie points - it's run by an absolute perfectionist who has no patience for weakness. But maybe I could install something without them noticing? Are there filters that run entirely as a browser add on - something like that is probably easier to install?
I guess I'll see what it's like if I get the job. There were other halachic reasons I was going to turn it down, but I asked a shaila about those reasons and was told it's okay.

In other news, today was b''h smooth. I was definitely more focused on this potential new job than other urges and today went pretty smoothly. Helped that the internet went down today at the office for like an hour - couldn't work since we all work on the cloud so everyone at the office just hung out in the conference room. Socialization is also good for distracting from urges. There's definitely salot about working at an all frum male office I will miss if I move on.
Tomorrow will be a week clean since my last fall. Other post-Yom Kippur falls have spiraled on for months so I'm feel like I'm making some progress. I've been working on urge surfing and I think that's been helping.

Forgot to write.
I had a dream last night that I found a phone in my bathroom and started watching porn. Then dreamt it was late at night and I backed into someone's car because I was so tired from staying up and watching porn. Then I remembered that I only did that in a dream. I was so relieved I woke up lol.
I think that means I'm spending too much time on this site??

Hatzlacha in your job search!

Checkout this awesome chrome extension, wizmage. It blocks all images unless you click on them or pause for that tab etc. Lifesaver for me. 

There are extensions which can block sites,  or block all except your white list. But nothing like a real filter,  if it's good and doesn't interfere with your working. 

Chooseurname wrote on 26 Oct 2023 20:31:

Actually it sounds like good news. Your subconscious is in turmoil due to your conscious decision to stop these behaviors. It is actually normal and expected with guys that are seriously making changes. Hatzlocha and sweet dreams buddy.

Daily check in.
Weekend went very well b"h. Was very busy and distracted with good things so was definitely an easier time. Hoping today goes smoothly as well.
For me (and many other people I imagine), boredom + unhappiness + by computer/phone = disaster.
I hope to eventually move out of that mindset, otherwise as good as things are going when I'm not bored and unhappy that won't last.

Smooth day, b"h.
Hope tomorrow continues well as well.

Just checking in to note a win.
My wife got super pissed at me this evening (probably rightfully so). Usually that's a difficult time for me and I start running through all these justifications in my head, some consciously some subconsciously. And when I came home from night seder i saw she went to bed early and I left my computer out earlier. Perfect time to sit down, start reading a novel online, and gently segue into an hour or two of my favorite game, "get around the filter."
But while I'll my justifications were playing out in my head something HHM told me popped up. Porn = having an affair. Just because she got upset at me I'm going to cheat on her??

Another day going pretty well. Pretty busy and whatnot. No complaints.