chooseurname wrote on 17 Apr 2024 14:30:

I don't know if this will help you or not but I found that it helped me a lot and I wanted to share.

I know myself that, in the (pretty recent) past, when I would get an urge, part of the internal dialogue consisted of my YH telling me that even if I don't give in now, I will soon. And even if I didn't give in soon, I'll end up giving in later. I really didn't think it was possible to truly overcome an urge. I also don't know if before GYE I ever really overcame one. I may have gotten better at pushing it off longer, but never to the end. (If I did it was a rare occurrence.)

During GYE's Shovavim campaign they sent out daily texts that I received. The text from Feb. 15 contained a gold nugget of information that has been a real help. The text said that an average urge doesn't last more than 30 minutes. Read that again please. Soon after I read that text I had a pretty strong urge. The first thought that popped into my mind was: "Hang on a second. This isn't going to last forever, until you finally just give in. At most it will last for another 30 minutes or so." That immediately lessened the power of the urge tremendously. 

(I don't even know if it is a scientific fact or not. I don't either care because, for me, it currently works because I believe it. So whether it's just phycological or actually factual, for me it works.)

Hatzlacha and KOMT!
You truly inspire me!

Rule number 1, never test the filter!

Don't forget that! I also get ideas of things sometimes to test. Don't!

The simple explanation with this and many components of keeping clean is: don't go there, to where it will be hard or nearly impossible to resist.

Before you see questionable material, it is usually not such a strong urge. Okay, that is a generalization, but you get the idea?

frank.lee wrote on 17 Apr 2024 23:43:

This is a good rule.

Yesterday was stressful. There's a complicated interpersonal issue I have going on with someone that rears up every now and then and is stressful. On top of that I felt bad since I procrastinated most of yesterday at work = not earning anything = stress and feeling like a failure. Plus the general Pesach stress. 

So last night I picked a fight with my wife over Pesach cleaning. She got upset and went to bed early. I sat by the computer and shopped for two hours. While I wish I had done something productive, I call that a huge victory that all I did was shop. Still massively overslept, three days behind on the daf, and no pesach cleaning got done. But 17 days clean b"h.

One thing that's been helpful at home that really paid off last night. I switched my habitual orientation of my computer so the screen is facing the living room, instead of my face facing the living room with the screen to the wall. It's a laptop so it's not really fixed that way, but I got into the habit of sitting down facing that way. Obviously, when I sit that way I can't sneak a peak and close a tab quickly when I see someone walk in, because they'll see my screen before I see them. So last night when I sat down by my computer (supposedly just to place an order of pesach groceries, but in reality to escape and release my stress) I habitually sat down in that direction. And I have too much fear of my wife to act out in such a risky way (I think). So that's a simple, small change that is paying dividends. Though honestly the urges were not strong last night.

Anyway, I spent most of that two hours shopping for pesachdik perfume for my wife. I get such a kick out of online perfume/cologne/scent shopping. Especially reading reviews. It's like reading wine labels, but written like someone trying to describe color to a blind man while tripping hard. "Opens with copper verdigris, summer lilac, and the ocean at midnight. Dries down to your best friend from high school, momma's apple pie, and the scent of joy." And then the reviews are like, "smells like an old lady who can't do her laundry anymore." 
It's such a trip. And they never smell remotely like anything they are described as. For some reason I find it tremendously entertaining. I spent like two hours doing that and then picked something random. 

Today is eighteen days clean. Eighteen days of life. Not always pleasant life. But eighteen days of real life. And not just 18 days clean but only two falls since Purim. Probably my third or fourth best streak in 5 years. Just 72 one days left to 90.
Not putting the cart before the horse, and still taking it one day at a time, but bez"h I'll be going into Pesach with over 21 days clean. Real cheirus right there. 

Below is some rambling. I'm just feeling very grateful for these 18 days, and for going into Pesach clean. I won't have time to update before Pesach, so just getting this out now. Please feel free to ignore. 

It's about the 2 year anniversary since (my wife caught me and) I joined GYE. I remember how ashamed and guilty I felt - it was an experience like the shevatim standing before Yosef. Woe from the rebuke of flesh and blood. [True story, I was so ashamed I could not talk to her or make eye contact for [u]three days[/u] and she thought I hated her.] I remember how much it hurt her (and she only saw a drop in the ocean). I remember how rock hard my commitment was to be clean forever. I also remember falling within ~3 weeks and eventually giving up for awhile.

It's also six months since my last serious attempt to start 90 days began after succos. I was deadly convinced about the immanent arrival of Mashiach, which is honestly pretty motivating. (Still haven't given up on this). I went 30+ days pretty easily, but then went into a matziv with unfiltered internet and fell long and hard.
Bkitzur, lotta ups and downs since then. Many downs but more ups. A lot has changed since that fateful Tuesday night I got caught. Right now I'm in a good place, but I know that could change to a matziv of serious nisayon in a heartbeat. But today I am clean.

I am, thank the good lord, in a much better place now than I ever was before. I went multiple years clean after I got married. But that caved like the house of cards it was the second I poked my nose out of the sheltered world of kollel. I'm extremely grateful for those two years, and I shudder to think about what my marriage would look like had I not been clean then. However, although I was cleaner then, I had no concept of how to fight this war, I was just hiding in a cave. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for hiding in a cave and it really is a valid method of fighting. Just doesn't work when you need to leave the cave. Through the FTF program (which I never finished), TBOTG (also never finished), the articles and books available here, and most of all, the wisdom of the forums and members, I've acquired the weapons with which to fight this war.

Coming to GYE taught me how to fight. It taught me the fight could be won, and that I'm not a disgusting piece of garbage who doesn't deserve to win. It also taught me what losing the fight could look like. 

The Chazon Ish famously wrote that a it's possible for a person to be like an angel in this world at times. GYE has shown me that. There are guys here who have stood like a pillar of fire against a whole world of vicious water. Guys who fell, got back up, fell, and fell, and fell, and still somehow keep on getting up. Guys who have thrown themselves into the most painful fires of shame in order to get clean. A kehilla of people coming together to help each other fight what may be the most vicious yetzer hara the world has known since the end of idol worship.

Will I be clean tomorrow? I hope so.
Would I be clean tomorrow if I had consistent access to unfiltered internet? I'm not sure.
Do I still feel lust? So much.
Has my life become better? Generally yes, I guess, but it's often hard to remember that.

But today I am clean. Today I am free.

Thank you Hashem. Thank you all. And thank you GYE.

A blast of heady, refreshing Cheirus. 

You have what it takes to be clean today, my friend. And then tomorrow is another today. Days of life and Cheirus. 

And by bedikas Chometz I think will find that the valiant Ohr from the small Lichtele will penetrate even deeper into the crevices of your special Lev…. 

Keep it up, keep inspiring us. 
מאן דבעי חיים

Checking in.
Had a nice yom tov b"h. Kids were nuts, but so it goes.
Yom tov is often tough with shmiras eiynaim with all the girls walking by in their summer clothes (paint them black!). But this first days of pesach went very well. I didn't go out much, and when I did, it wasn't too busy in the streets and I was able to control myself. Definitely helped that I was coming in with a good streak - helped me stay positive.
--

Saw an interesting sfas emes on yom tov. Derech agav, he mentions the mesiras nefesh involved in being oleh regel. And that's typically understood as leaving your fields and towns empty and trusting in Hashem to protect them. But he says, very offhandedly, the mesiras nefesh was going to greet the King of Kings when you are aware of your spiritual shortfalls (total paraphrase). I thought that was very powerful.

Most/all of us feel a lot of guilt over this "shameful" aveirah. And often that impedes growth. As many have observed, it especially impedes davening - what am I, a tzadik? I deserve to talk to Hashem with these bloodstained hands? 
And so but, the Sfas Emes tells us, your feelings are correct. It is difficult to face Hashem with our sins. But that is what is required of us. And the mere act of going in there to daven, to face Hashem as we are obliged to, is a type of mesiras nefesh. And mesiras nefesh for Hashem's honor is a huge mitzva that will have a powerful effect. 
I thought that was a radically new perspective on this phenomena, that may encourage overcoming it. 

A related inspiring thought I saw. I was reading the new Rav Moshe Shapiro biography, Looking Into The Sun. (Very well done btw. And I dislike many Jewish biographies). And he had a shtickel in there about Pesach Sheni that I won't even try to repeat (Rav Moshe Shapiro's torah is so dense and deep that I only ever absorb a drop of it). But he says something in there along these lines. The mitzvah of pesach sheni was given in the zchus of those who were tameh - who were not spiritually elevated enough to bring the korban pesach. But their reaction was not despair, not self-loathing, not rejection. Their reaction was "lamah nigara" - why should we miss out on the connection to Hashem because of our lowly level. And that plaintive cry had the effect of creating a new mitzvah.

So there's a new reaction we are seeing to spiritual lowliness. Instead of running away, instead of feeling small and fallen, we can recognize we are far from Hashem but af al pi chen we want to relate to him. And approaching the King when you are fallen and dirty is truly difficult and takes real mesiras nefesh. But the desire to come close to Hashem even from afar is a very special thing. This is an attitude that needs to be cultivated. 

Beautiful!! 
The Yismach Yisroel says that the Rasha in the Haggada points out that his father is deficient in his own Avodas Hashem. (מה העבודה הזאת לכם - שאתה אינו עובד כראוי ).
And he explains that the response to this accusation is that it may be true, but we were in a worse state in Mitzrayim and we were nevertheless taken out in an even more woefully deficient state -  because we craved and wanted to rise up and out of Mitzrayim and achieve Geula and true heights….

Checking in.

First days of yom tov were really terrific. Good sedarim, productive use of time, solid naps. Felt very good motzei yom tov.

No I'm in a terrible grumpy mood. My kids broke something very expensive yesterday and I got very upset. On top of that, I have to work on chol hamoed, and my wife is upset because she has these ridiculous expectations of family trips on chol hamoed. Yesterday, she got back very late, I was starving, upset about the expensive thing. And in a generally bad mood. So it was a grumpy night and I drank too much wine for "simchas yom tov" so I couldn't focus on anything productive.
Today feels like more of the same. Caught myself doing some staring at some woman in the parking lot. Bh no porn issues but this is a serious slippery slope. 

Anyway. Signing off till after yom tov. Looking forward to some simcha the rest of the way through.

Checking in on this fine and sunny day 30.

Second days yom tov was very nice. I hope all of y'all had an enjoyable yom tov as well.

Sunday of chol hamoed my wife shlepped me out to a chol hamoed trip with the kids to a crowded. It was a hot day, and the area was naturally full of women in shorts and tank tops k'darkam b'tumah. It was very, very tough. In the street, at least there's usually another direction to turn. But here I was surrounded. 
I actually think I did a very good job in shmiras einayim. I don't think I was "mistakel" at almost anyone. But it was so painful. I felt like I was fighting the whole time. I couldn't distract myself with something, because I needed to keep an eye on my kids. It was a two-hour fight and I hated it.
So I was tense the whole time, my kids picked up on it and they didn't like the trip. Then because this one stupid trip got me so worked up, second days I had a much harder time with shmiras einayim in the streets than I had first days. Was rough. Trying to compliment myself for the wins, and not get upset about the struggle. But it's tough.

One interesting thing though. We pulled up to the park and saw how crowded it was, and what type of person it was crowded with, and my wife asked me if it was okay to go altz shmiras einayim. I didn't respond, but then she brought it up again when we were parking. I don't recall her ever saying something like that. I have no idea what brought that on. Maybe it's haba l'taher misayin oso.
Because of all the built up shame I have in this area, I have a very difficult time acknowledging anything to do with shmiras einayim. So I wanted to say we should leave, but couldn't. I did mumble something like "idk it's very crowded maybe we should go somewhere else." But my kids wanted to go so we went in. Then after we left she again asked if "she lifnei iver'd me". Which was awkward and I again ignored.
But then by the seudah that night she brought it up yet again (which was getting a little concerning) and we talked a little very vaguely about how sometimes doing the right thing means not doing things you want. So maybe I'll be able to get out of going somewhere like that in the future.

She didn't bring up the topic again. I don't think she saw anything that made her suspicious and suddenly fanatical about shmiras einayim. I hope it was Hashem helping me out. But who knows maybe she spotted some internet history. So it goes.

I feel your Chol Hamoed pain, brother. 
Wrote a post about similar half a year ago. 

One thing- speaking to your wife about wanting to be careful about Shmiras Enayim in a setting such as you describe can be extremely beneficial. You are able to discuss the topic without talking about taboo parts of it. She can respect your resolve and work without a discussion about other aspects. And it’s a great way to share how it’s an ongoing battle for men without making her creeped out. It helps to talk about the Vayimaein movement. If 60,000 people are watching them it puts you in good company, the messages are positive and not frightening, while creating an awareness that it’s an ongoing struggle. 

Her comments almost certainly didn’t come from seeing something in the search history,  from your description it sounds like she is curious and wants to appreciate that you are trying to be more careful. That’s a good thing. 

Maybe consider revisiting the conversation…

@Chooseurname you write wonderful zachen! Kudos to you, keep up the fight and keep that convo with the wife flowing.

May you have continued hatzlocha.

Sounds intriguing. I'd assume there is something behind her questions or sudden awareness. 

I second the motion. Try to have a conversation about it, in a nice, relaxed time. I'd suggest coming from curiosity. Talk about your feelings...

Hatzlacha!

Checking in. Spent alot of time on GYE today wow. Very tedious task I'm procrastinating on...

Today went well. Ever since I bit the bullet and got a filter on my work computer I've been flying high. Hope that continues. Brings me to the next point. 

I noticed my wife using an old unfiltered computer at home a few days ago. I actually had thought it was broken. She's using it because it's currently the only portable computer we have, not because it's unfiltered. Not sure what to do.
I don't know the password to this computer. Or, I used to know the password but I think I forgot it. Just this morning I was thinking, "hmm, maybe I should just confirm I forgot the password." I actually laughed out loud at the thought, it was such a transparent wish for porn. 
The computer is very old and might not actually be powerful enough for a filter. And I really don't want to pay for yet another filter (this is getting expensive). But it's not okay to have an unfiltered device lying around. 
It's funny. This computer was laying around for years. As long as it was out of sight I had no issues. Now that she brought it out, all of a sudden it's weighing on my mind. The night I saw it out I actually had terrible dreams about taking the filter off my phone and being caught watching porn. 
So it's too dangerous too have around without a filter, even if I may have forgotten the password. I think I'll bring it up to my wife, and perhaps it'll continue our shmiras einayim conversation. Really don't want to get into detail about my struggles (she caught me once but I promised it was a one time thing. Y'all know the drill). But if I can open up about wanting more kedusha or something in a general way maybe that could be helpful. Maybe I'd even be able to stop hiding my GYE habit (ah, dreams). 

Talking tachlis though. Is there a free whitelist filter? She needs access to one website and that's it. Or is it okay to tell her to change the password and not share it with me? Or I can break it. Should I just pour some water in the drive or something? She probably wldn't realize - this computer is dying anyway.

Hopefully, I'll remedy the issues with my filtered computer soon and she'll put away this unfiltered one again. But regardless I'm glad it came up because I should fix it regardless.

Did you finish the whole bag of popcorn? 

I actually would not recommend starting up the Shmiras Enayim conversation about the laptop. It’s ok if you have a regularly used computer - to talk about the need for a filter. Because regular use has Shmiras Enayim pitfalls without a filter. But to talk about how you dont want the passcode to a computer that only she uses- that would probably  trigger warning bells. (Especially based on the history you mentioned).

 I’d rather go for the Chol Hamoed/ Vayimaen conversation first … 

As for the laptop, I definitely like your idea to break it. 

There are cheap whitelist options with most of the filtering companies (Nativ, Gentech, Techloq etc) but i don’t know of a free one. I will PM you a number to call.