chancy wrote on 02 Apr 2024 17:30:

This is an excellent explanation of urge surfing, and definitely something I need to work on.
Happens to be, when I'm deep in a bad spot I feel an urge and my hand jumps to open a site - I sometimes feel like I don't have the space to stop and think. But these days I'm doing better and have the time to stop and think through what you're describing. The tough part is 1) the YH likes to ease me into it - read this innocent article, just focus on that picture, search this. And like the frog in boiling water, before I know it I'm cooking. And then it's very hard to stop. 2) Even when I stop and make the cheshbon, sometimes it's hard to calculate straight and I come out that giving in would be better (not better, but just this once right now etc. etc. Plenty of rationalizations out there). 
But this is crucial. Maybe I'll read your post daily instead of the BOTG; it hit harder.

Anyone know anything about "Addictive Voice Recognition Technique" and wants to summarize it for me?
Is it anything more than what F2F calls finding the fox? 

New signature (inspired by @Chancy's excellent post). I put it in only so that every time I post it'll give me a chance to review this yesod.

chooseurname wrote on 02 Apr 2024 19:20:

One thing that has helped me fight in the moment was the GYE Shovavim text from Feb 15. It says: "Many people think that urges get stronger and stronger until you give in, but in reality, urges come in waves that grow and peak, before gradually subsiding. Urges almost never last more than 30 minutes, and usually much less than that."

It continued on, but for me that line was extremely powerful. I never knew that the average urge is going to last 30 minutes max!! Suddenly, the battleground has shifted. I felt so much more in control because this doesn't have to end in either failure or terrible agony for who knows how long. Now all I have to do is fight for a few minutes and then I'll be safe. 

This outlook greatly lessened my struggle and has helped me feel the freedom of having an urge and actually  being able to fight it instead of just giving in right away or saying to myself I'll just give in later.

chooseurname wrote on 02 Apr 2024 19:20:

Thank you Choosy ( I  need to think of a good nickname) 
That's something I've struggled greatly with for a long time as well. 
What i did is first, i blocked everything that's not kosher, even news and similar things, then i got a web chaver that sees everything i search. So the days of just searching for innocent! little things that i knew will trigger me a little and the YH was telling me are ok for now, are over. I cant do that anymore. 
Then, i also did something insane, even if i would fall CV and look at some really bad stuff which used to just completely overwhelm my brain  and the fight would be over before i know it, now i would just watch and then say "ok, you already fell %50 of the way, you don't need to actually masturbate anymore, let this be rock bottom" And " this is not so exciting, i've done this many times and while its great, nothing to lose my sh*t over! 
In 2 minutes of doing that, my desire would decrease drastically,
Funny thing is that for weeks afterwards i wouldn't feel that pull to watch porn, because once you are able to clearly and logically burst that bubble of losing control and you see that nothing will actually happen even if you watch porn. 
So Urge Surfing is great and eye opening because the lie that you are losing control bursts very fast. 

The next best thing is diffusion- where you will realize how small that part of you that wants to watch porn and masturbate really is. 
We are much larger then that, we have so many better things to do. 

Checking in. Feeling pretty good today.

I feel like recently I've been going through this cycle. I fall, work through follow up urges for a couple days using tools I've learnt here (primarily urge surfing and distraction). Then I go through a couple easy days of cruising fine and things are good. But around day 7-10 I start getting urges again and at my difficult points I fall again.

The urges predictably pop up when I'm bored/overwhelmed/antsy at work with my unfiltered computer. The problem is I can survive work through and overcome urges for a couple days, but they keep on coming like waves at the seashore. I think the issue is partially that there are different types of urges. The first couple days post-fall are a desire for porn. I can work through that. The later desires are a desire to escape and seem to be much tougher and more persistent.

I've put on browser add ons to block as much as I can, but I cannot install a filter on my work computer. Although I'm aware that would be extremely helpful, I work with confidential documents at a non-jewish company. They would not go for a filter. And I'm too scared to ask. [Logically, I work on those same documents on my personal, filtered, computer. There should be no difference. But if I pointed that out, they would be likely to require me to use a work laptop at home which would be deadly. When I write this out I see it's very possible I'm wrongly justifying myself here. But I can't ask either way. My boss is not a reasonable person. (This is more justification)].

I think it's progress that I'm recognizing what's going on. And if you'd told me a year ago that I'd consistently be going a week clean I'd be delighted. But I know I can do better. 

So what's the plan? What am I going to next Monday or Tuesday when I'm sitting bored, antsy, tired etc. in front of my work computer and I don't remember my motivation and my fingers want to ease me, ever so gently, into hell just to escape work? 

How about an accountability partner?

Hashem Help Me wrote on 05 Apr 2024 16:48:

I did try that. But then just stopped texting when I had falls...

chooseurname wrote on 05 Apr 2024 17:21:

How about a relationship? Breaking out of the “alternate-universe” of a secret life, and meeting someone who cares and knows who you are. And maybe he helps you see that you can be more than you thought… 

See above…

chooseurname wrote on 05 Apr 2024 17:21:

I would offer you my Exclusive Accountability Package but when my last partner texted me about a fall, I irately and impulsively turned him into a teacup. 

Stick to the others mentioned above…

youknowwho wrote on 05 Apr 2024 19:14:

Better that then a bouncing white ferret.

 But, I will say when I was drinking my tea this morning Im pretty sure I heard cordnoy yelling faintly- Excuse me , Excuse me Can you get me outta here?

redfaced wrote on 05 Apr 2024 21:06:

Guilty as charged. 

There’s also a beautiful new mug addition to my pantry, it’s got the words “The Wisdom” emblazoned on it…

Useful. 

chooseurname wrote on 05 Apr 2024 17:21:

Well that is not an accountability partner buddy. start it again, but text in all matzavim... And as mentioned it's wise to meet.

Almost managed to ask my Rov to be my "accountability partner". He knows a mashehu about me struggling with this, but only the tiniest tip of the iceberg. I just couldn't bring myself to open up though.
It's not that I thought he'd judge me negatively or think worse of me, and he's very warm and understanding. So Friday night I was thinking to just tell him and ask him to act as my accountability partner to keep me on track. It'd be an embarrassing conversation but it would have a lot of toeles. And a little busha would be a nice kappara. But in the cold, clear light of Shabbos day I realized I just can't bring myself to do that. And admitting to him when I have a fall? I can't. 

chooseurname wrote on 08 Apr 2024 13:56:

Well, than pick someone else, brother.
Although if you have a Rav who you trust ( Yea Y'all know who I'm looking at) thats the best, but there are plenty of people here that give more than chomesh of their time for others