Shmilu wrote on 25 May 2010 14:44:


Well, I love hearing a heartfelt plea to Hashem. It reminds me why we're all on GYE, it reminds me where I myself must turn for my salvation (me'ayin yavo ezri), and it reminds me that Yidden have special forces of both good and evil battling over our neshamos.

If you can hear something a little touch that comes from a place of love and respect, though, I'd like to mention one thing. I really don't think you're talking about the shackles of your OWN ineptitude, Ch'V. (see quote, above) You didn't ASK for these challenges, you didn't even walk away from the battle. Nobody knows when Hashem wants your victory to occur. We only know that we've got to make an opening the head of a pin so that He can send His wagons in to complete the task.

Guilt and shame over stumbling blocks won't help our process, and may indeed hurt. He doesn't want that (but we know "who" does, eh Mr Y'H reading these posts and looking for hints on how to break in). Soldiers with fear in their hearts are sent back from the front! So try to limit the feeling that the ineptitude is somehow yours, and hang in there.

Okay, maybe you didn't really need this peptalk, but I'm glad I got a chance to share it just in case.

Day 9:
Aaaaaargh! The Y"H came out in a full-blown attack today. I'm licking my wounds, but I'm still fightin'...

Alright!

Now stop for a second, and consider - how does it feel to still be standing?

Like a boxer who knows he's about to be KO'd...

"Oh Yetzer Horah, you're a real mean guuuuuy!!!..."

Shmilu wrote on 25 May 2010 14:44:
Please accept what I say to you in love, cuz I respect you and see myself in you a lot, Shmilu.

Good heavens, you do seem rather hard on yourself! Your ineptitude? We are all inept. You're inferior? We are all inferior. We are. Especially addicts like myself. The terminal uniqueness does me no good, and Hashem doesn't necessarily give us stuff just because we are "hurting enough".  He seems to give us what we can use - not what we need.

Many are walking around without sanity. Don't they need it? "Hanosein chochma lachakimin" - He gives wisdom to the wise - because those with at least a touch of wisdom can be trusted not to take His gift of a bunch more and squanderit, or to turn it to their undoing.

We need His help to care about ourselves enough to be trusted with His gifts. Rock bottom is the point that the heart - the need to have it all my way - finally breaks. Leiv Nishbar - not self-flagellating, not self-anything, but empty of expectation and "my way" - just empty and given up to Hashem - that's a cup that can be filled with His gifts.
Love,

Dov

That nasty yezer hora, every chance he gets...

You mean you don't feel good at all about the fact that you're clean?

Day 10:

I do feel good that I'm clean, SilentBattle. It feels good being clean, period. But I don't feel good about myself, if you understand what I'm saying. I feel that the tests just weren't strong enough, hence me still standing. I feel that when facing a true test, I won't be able to resist.

How many times did I feel an inordinate amount of Kedushah, only to lose it 15 minutes later when finding myself in front of a computer when nobody's around? Many...

And something tells me that this will be a part of me for the rest of my life -- even after a clean streak of 250 days.

It's sad that I brought all of this onto myself...

You may be right - we all have our breaking point. I think that the key is to feel good about being clean now. Is it because we're not facing a test that's too hard for us? Maybe. But if I win the lottery, I'm happy! That's key - realizing that being clean is like winning the lottery!

The more you feel good about that, hopefully you'll also come to accept that you've played a role in your growth, too.

10 days is incredible - and also remember that the goal is to live life without having difficult test. The point is to avoid the tests!

Shmilu wrote on 27 May 2010 12:53:
Though you may see no meaning in anything I am posting on this thread, Shmilu, it's my right to post this. If you want me to knock it off, just let me know....but first:

10 days is an incredible brocha. Would you consider 10 years clean for you a neis? Well, a little piece of ten years is ten days. And a little piece of a neis is: a neis. Right, or wrong? If you agree, then why put off the appreciation to when you have a year, ten years, or whatever? Consider learning how to appreciate the neis you have running your life so far, right now! 

One thing jumping at me in your quote above is that it seems to me that you keep putting self-judgment on a pedestal. "I don't feel good about myself," "I brought this all onto myself," "the tests were not strong enough, hence me still standing." Really, what is the relevance of all this? What business is it of yours whether you are considered a tzaddik or a rasha? Really. I understand if I had nothing better to do, it might be a nice way to pass the time. Or perhaps, if I were basically in control of myself and doing no chato'im, a study of my madreiga might be nice for growth purposes....but I am not 'there'. And if you are posting here and will still have big struggles for the foreseeable future, you may not be 'there', either.

I mean nothing negative by any of this - heck, I don't even know who you are! But what you seem to be a bit preoccupied with seems to be exactly what I was preoccupied with all the years that I was so busy using (and fighting) my lust use in addiction. The only reason I share it with you is that for me, getting free involves living (thinking, talking, behaving) a bit differently than we did when we were still acting out our lust in addiction.

As long as people think they can remain basically the same - just get rid of the acting out with lust behavior - they never seem to get any better...and go on and on pitifully wondering, "why?" My sexuality was and is not my main problem. It's the stupid way my mind works that is the real issue. And that takes work, time, and work. 

Hatzlocha. So far, you are a neis in my book.

Day 12:

"The only reason I share it with you is that for me, getting free involves living (thinking, talking, behaving) a bit differently than we did when we were still acting out our lust in addiction."

Tei'errer R' Dov, would you please elaborate when talking about "talking and behaving differently than in the past?"

This might be just what I need...

Day 12:

Just had my first real test on this current streak (found myself in front of an unfiltered computer), and after some initial slipping, I B"H found the strength to just walk away...

That's great! Focus on how satisfying that feels! That truly is living!

Day 13:

Day didn't start out the greatest. Got bogged down by the news of the Israeli interception of the "Gaza flotilla." I've yet to daven Shachris. Hope to turn it around, however, and salvage whatever is left of the day.

Bear with me, please. There are many ways we feed our problem. Physical ways (looking at things that are damaging for us, touching ourselves in a sexual way, not sleeping enough, not eating enough, for example); mental ways (giving too much real estate in our minds to stupid stuff like: rehashing the argument we will have with the guy who we are mad at over and over, replaying sexual fantasies in our minds, sitting in fear and regret about past failures, concentrating and revisiting worries and despair about our future); and emotional ways (tolerating sadness and allowing ourselves the luxury of self-pity - even around family members and others, souring our relations with others by being angry and argumentative, making it basically impossible for ourselves to be content or self-accepting because we allow ourselves the luxury of unbridled Pride: our secret inner expectations of near-perfection, to be adored by all and to be g'dolei Yisroel - and we live for decades with painful disappointment and self-loathing as a direct result of this Pride. There are many other ways we feed the problem or addiction, and everyone is different. Heroin addicts discover they need to stop hanging around with their shooting gallery buddies or they will use again. Same for us: we cannot afford to hang around with our old buddies of self-pity, isolation, lying, pride, and self-loathing. I needed the 12 steps to begin to actually live this way. 

In short (something I am not really good at), we goofballs need Derech Eretz before we can even begin to expect success in living the good-life that Hashem has for us (Torah - the Etz haChayim). We make it really hard for Hashem to get that pipeline of Shefa Tov to us! Sobriety is about allowing Him to help us. But immediately from the start we find that life starts to get good. Amazing.