You can't fight off the thoughts forever - but you can replace them with something else.

You can do this!

Boy, did I get kicked today... I was at a speech where the speaker spoke about stress management. During his monologue he mentioned the Ramba"m, who says that lusting diminishes the physical strength of a person. As he said that, he randomly looked at me. I felt extremely awkward and started blushing a litle bit. A minute later and he said it again while again looking at me. This was already too much and I started blushing like crazy. I hung my head and felt 10-15 pairs of eyes boring holes through me. This, of course, only served to exacerbate the situation, and trust me, I wanted to die right then and there... What should I say, fellas. I got a small sampling of what it will feel like when the Day of Reckoning will come...

Scary thought.

How are you doing - it's been a while!

Okay. Fresh start. For the umpteenth time (I feel so sick writing this. Yuck...)

May I offer a different perspective?

No matter how many times you've fallen, and how bad it feels, and how easy it is to get caught up...you always come back, you always stand up again, and keep moving forward. That's incredible! I hope you stay standing though, cuz it's easier!

Welcome back!

Thanks, SilentBattle. Very nice of you.

I'm not going out of my way to be nice - I'm telling you what I see.

I hope to hear from you, I know that for me, staying and posting regularly helped me a lot!

Nuuuuu, come on.Move over, Y"H.

Rabboisai, I feel powerless -- putty in the hands of the Yetzer.

What is most frightening is that I know that this is my greatest enemy -- this is the reason behind my lack of self confidence and self esteem; this is the reason behind my depression; this is the reason behind my lack of energy; this is the reason behind my overall mental regression -- yet I still can't seem to fight it for more than 30 days...

It's unbelievable just how messed up I am right now. A half year ago, I excelled in math and in writing, getting A's across the board. Nowadays, if I complete a coherent paragraph in 25 minutes it's reason for celebration. Math, 'man dchar shmai'...

It really doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense...
I never witnessed by anybody else that they should inexplicably regress in an area where they did well in the past. It's frightening.
Can anybody identify with it?

Oy, the rantings of a madman...

I'm not familiar with that, no...but it could be a lack of focus, or an abundance of stress.

Sounds like both could apply to you.

At the risk of sounding like a cliche, although we approach this thing as a fight, the goal isn't to fight it - the goal is to live in a way that avoids it, and DOESN'T have to constantly fight it. Fighting it tires us out.

Day 8:

An open letter to the Almighty:

Teierer Tatte,
Please give me the strength and perseverance to see this thing through. Without your assistance I'm like butter in the hands of the Y"H.I'm sick and tired of carrying around all this guilt, and the feeling of inferiority that envelops me after every botched attempt to finally shake free of the shackles of my own ineptitude -- the ineptitude of willingly falling prey to the very thing that I believe is responsible for all that is wrong with me.
????? ?' ?????, ????? ??? ???...
?????? ?' ?????, ???? ??????, ??? ???? ????? ???.

Please, Hashem, I do need your help. Don't let your serveant fall to the wayside. ?? ??? ????? ????? ???.

He never does...and you never have.

You're still here, that means you're not by the way side!