Day 1: Log
I saw a post a few times to elaborate on my struggle. I don't know how appropriate it is to elaborate too much but if there are questions I can always be PM'd for a fuller conversation. In short, I grew up in a simple Jewish home, went to charidi yeshivot, and my religious way of life has been from very religious to downright atheistic and anti-all around. My home life growing up was turbulent (to put it mildly) and my school life was no better in the slightest. The net result was I was a very angry individual at the world, God, and anyone religious. I lacked basic social skills and death was a welcoming outcome as opposed to what I considered far worse fates. Ofcourse, throughout P & M was my drug, my escape, my best friend. At the time it's what I thought and then I learned it wasn't. The 17-21 time period was the worst in my life. At 21, by God's grace, I fell upon an individual in the most unlikeliest of places that it upon herself to help me. She saw a broken individual and became perhaps the first person in my life who I felt truly cared for me. She let me express things I have held up inside for years, was nonjudgemental, taught me the basics of life and she also opened my eyes to the issues of P& M. Ever since then I have been fighting the good fight. So that is a very short snippet of my history and hopefully a better understanding as to what was the groundwork that lead to the struggle. I also hope that if someone has a similer story, it will be of help to know they are not alone.
As for more current events, ever since roughly a month ago of my rock bottom (or better yet my wake up call), I have taken a good emount of time to sit down and think about things. I have implemented a no phone in the bedroom at night rule for myself and that alone has reduced P significantly over the last few weeks. Aside from a few very low moments, I didnt have any outright falls in the P department simply by keeping the phone out of the bedroom at night. I have also been journaling and that has also helped me put things in to perspective over the weeks. Meditation and putting on teffilin is something I am trying to restart. It's very rusty but slowly it is happening.
M has been far more difficult for me to not do. It isn't so much that M is occupying my time but rather the oppisite. It happens so quickly that I barely have any time to really get a hold of my mind before I find myself after the act. guess that one will take some more time do deal with.
I am also trying to find an appropriate professional / coach to have in my life.
guess thats it for now. I guess this post isn't so much of a first day but more the lead up to the first day. I asked myself what goal do I want to start with and I hope to reach a week. Only 6 to go.
