Hello everyone,

I used to be a member on this site under the name "thetimeisnow." That was probably about a year and a half ago it this point.

This problem started for me when I was 11 and I was very deep into it for many years. When I was about 17, the thought of becoming religious started to appeal to me, and for the next few years I worked on growing towards the goal of becoming frum. When I was 18 I went to college and it was there where my growth really took off (It was COVID year, so I got to spend a lot of time by myself, working on getting closer to Hashem). It was also that year that I found out that I wasn't Jewish, so I decided to start the process of conversion. Alongside that, I could barely go more than a few days without falling, yet I kept pushing and pushing. Three days turned into a week, then two weeks, and then a month. I even quit viewing things online completely. Then, after the college year was over I converted and came to Yeshiva. The first 9 months I was completely clean, no falls. It felt great. I was doing great: learning, davening, growing. Then I had a challenging period with a lot of stress and that caused me to slip and break my streak. Ever since then I would fall every few weeks (although one time I made it three months) and now I am in a period where I can barely make it 4 or 5 days again. I still have a desire to stop and to get out of it again, but it makes me feel very down to see that almost 2 years (I am almost 21 now) of progress has brought me back to the place that I started. I would appreciate it if anyone could share any similar stories that they had, or words of encouragement. Thank you.

Welcome! Many of us have been through the years of struggling, hiding, and lack of progress. B'ezras Hashem, things can and will get better through time and work. Being here is a great first step. Check out the f2f program for some great ideas on dealing with urges, and maybe consider an accountability partner. Hatzlacha!

youcandoit! wrote on 15 Dec 2022 15:02:

Thank you so much for your sharing your story.  You are an amazing person for all the wonderful choices that you have made.  Dont' forget that for a second.  It is definitely disheartening when you feel like you are struggling and you don't feel successful. Please understand that you are not back to the place that you started.  We are responsible for our effort not for our success.  You continue to put in the effort and you should hold your head up high.  I am sure you will find some good advice and tactics here and wish you the greatest success and satisfaction.

vehkam

Thank you for the support!