So...it's been a really, REALLY bad couple of days.

I figured out how to get around the filter, fell repeatedly on pornography and erotic material, watched and even chatted (text only, no video hookup, thank heaven for small favors) on online cams, and came THIS close to creating an account for hookups.

Yeah. Not good, to put it mildly.

In a fit of rage/grief, I deleted the junk email I created, along with all the accounts on the inappropriate sites, and disabled the filter bypass. Hopefully I'll resist the urge to create them again. In the meantime, I have to grit my teeth and stay strong for the next two weeks until I go back to EY for Winter Zman, during which I will hopefully have no access to any shmutz. 

I've decided to create a new thread to remind myself of this moment, to remind myself that the excuses I make during moments of weakness/lust are garbage, and that this filth destroys my life both mentally and physically, wreaking havoc on my Ruchniyus and ability to grow as a Yid. BE"H, this should be the start of the time I finally make it to 90 days.

In the words of Mordechai Shapiro: "Every time I fall, I get, I get back up again/Every time I fall, I get back up again."

L'chaim. Hatzlacha to all.

FWF

Your post really struck a chord with me as it reminds me of my yeshiva days. I also didn't have an issue masturbating just with porn (though that changed later). I found that I acted very differently at home than in yeshiva and it bothered me to no end that I was so weak spiritually at home.

Years later I found that Rav Pincus speaks about something like this. He mentions that we all aspire to greatness but since we can't stay on that level all the time we just end up giving up. Rav Pincus says this is a mistake. Even if a person can't achieve greatness all the time, a person has to recognize that a "flash of greatness" is itself greatness (clearly I'm translating from Hebrew).

I wish I had that knowledge back in the day because I think it means that times in yeshiva when we're strong are greatness and also the times when we're strong at home are greatness. Crucially (and I've heard him make this point though he doesn't always say it in the recordings) the way to achieve greatness fully is through the flashes. We hope (and daven) to make those flashes of greatness longer and more and more frequent...but again times of weakness do not take away from the greatness we have achieved.

Much hatzlacha

tldr one day at a time

One day clean. Off to a good start.

3 Days clean. Feeling a little lust right now, but not overwhelming. B"H, doing well overall.

wish i could say the same about the streak part

Curedsoon wrote on 16 Oct 2022 07:28:

Welcome to the fight, my friend! You WILL get there! Keep writing in these forums, you'll find an incredible amount of support and strength. Also would recommend reading The Battle of the Generation if you haven't already (guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation).

Heading into Y"T at 4 days clean, feeling terrific. Wishing everybody a Chag Kasher V'sameach, a leibidig Simchas Torah, and a gut kvittel! 

FWF

At 8 days clean, B"H. Feeling absolutely terrific, ready and excited to go back to the Eretz Hakedosha in a couple of days, and dive back into shteiging and k'nocking while getting back into the flow.

Hope everybody else is doing well. If you are, great, and if C"V not, KEEP FIGHTING! You will get there!

Hatzlacha to all.

FWF

At 11 days clean and back in the Holy Land, B"H. Feels so, so good. Even the flight was relatively easy, thank God. Hopefully this Zman gets off to as good of a start as the last one did.

Hope everybody's doing well, and Hatzlacha to all.

Sincerely,
FWF

At 15 days clean, B"H. Lusted for a bit last night, but thankfully had nothing to fall on (no devices around). Heading into Shabbos on a high note.

Hope everybody's doing well. Hatzlacha to all.

Have a terrific Shabbos!

FWF

At 20 days, b'li ayin hara! There's been lust, but not overpowering, and I'm feeling pretty good overall, B"H. Started reading a book I found in a Seforim store called "Positive Vision" (by R' Avraham Nuerberger), it's basically daily lessons and tips on Shmiras Einayim. It's excellent so far, very on-point and practical. Would definitely recommend.

All in all, doing well B"H. Hope everybody else is as well. Will check in again on Friday, BE"H.

Hatzlacha to all.

FWF

FighterWithFire wrote on 02 Nov 2022 19:16:

great book.  not written specifically for addicts or people that are seriously struggling, but lots of good perspective nonetheless...

B”H, at 23 days clean! Feels absolutely terrific. Hope that it only continues. 

Apologies for forgetting to check in yesterday, hence the update tonight. (Don’t think I’ll be able to check in again before next Friday, but we’ll see.)

Hope everybody had a terrific Shabbos and is doing well. Hatzlacha to all.

All the best,

FWF

Hey all, B”H at 29 days! Almost at a full month! Bli Ayin Hara, it feels amazing, but it’s definitely getting tougher. The lust is increasing steadily, as is the temptation. Need to buckle down, stay strong and keep fighting. (I know it’s more about the percentage of days clean than the actual streak, but that doesn’t mean the streak is nothing-it’s important to value both, IMO). I’ll check in on Motzaei Shabbos as well.

Hope everybody is doing well. Wishing everyone a terrific and Lichtige Shabbos.

Hatzlacha to all,

FWF

Fell. On the day I reached 30 days. Was alone with a relative's unfiltered laptop at their place, and they have a VPN (which makes the browsing completely anonymous), and I fell.

Not feeling too good right now, but trying to see the positive side-I fell for 15 minutes, but then stayed clean the rest of the night, even when alone, and resisted the urge that says "you fell already tonight-what's the difference, watch some more, you're not starting again until tomorrow anyways"-I didn't give in, and stayed strong. Small victory, but a good sign.

Time to start a new streak. Hopefully it will be even better and longer.

Hope everybody is doing well. A Gutte Voch.

Hatzlacha to all,

FWF