Hi! It has been some time since I started the program and BH I am up to day 43. My problem has always been my intimate life. I have been married for over 15 years and my wife has no idea that I struggle with this. I didn't grow up frum so I was exposed to a lot of garbage from a very young age. My constant problem, and it is more of a rational thing, is that my intimate life has been/and will be stuck forever. For me it is a need, not only for the physical but actually for the connection, for her it is something important but not essential, so it can be that we are together one time a month and that's it. One of the things I find the hardest with this is knowing that I will never have somebody who wants to explore this area with me in a Kosher and Kadosh way. Maybe my expectations are of charts because of what I have been through, maybe not. But it depresses me to even start the path of recovery as I know I will never get to a point where I am happy/comfortable with intimacy. I've had very long streaks of not acting out (hundreds of days), but I just don't know how to battle this or deal with an area that I know it will never be ok for me. My wife is a wonderful tzadeket and amazing mother and person so I will really bad about this  Any advice on this?

How do you know that she is not willing to explore if you would want to? Did you ask her? 

It´s been something we have spoken about many times, but no improvements throughout the years, and if I mention anything she makes me feel like I am weird or dirty. I have been meyaesh from the whole situation.
So it is very depressing, I have even consider divorce (that, I haven´t mentioned to her). I know realistically it will never get to a point where I am ok. I am clean now, and I do feel how it improves my Ruchnius, learning, etc. It doesn´t feel like a Pas BeSalo situation. I know for sure I will have to act out at some point. 

breakingthehabit wrote on 09 Aug 2022 18:21:

Hi, sounds like a very tough situation. If your comfortable, maybe post on the balebatim forum with some more detail...hopefully someone will have some good advice.

sorry to hear what you are going through; it does seem that yesterday's call might have been productive for you in some way. i hope some of the fellows on the call chime in here. 

perhaps they'll mention what we said re: multi-dimensional intimacy vs. one-dimensional focus (where one wife explained: “When my husband is so focused on us doing a specific sexual act than he is on connecting with me that’s when I feel like it’s his addiction talking.” Being interested in exploring new or enhanced ways of being intimate can be healthy and fun, but a focus on a technique or position to the point of ignoring or disregarding connection with one’s spouse is not healthy. It’s the repeated focus or over-focus on the physical or a new sexual novelty that causes the problem.)

or: agency vs. entitlement where we spoke about healthy sexuality, and that it requires that both spouses feel like they have a voice in the bedroom and an ability to freely discuss their desires and choose which desires to act upon. 

and lots of beeps

Thank you so much! 
I get it, this is not really about anything specific. Just that we are on a different Parsha, and it seems like it will stay like that. I would never want to push her into something that would make her uncomfortable or anything like that. Just have somebody who wants to be part of this. What kills me inside, is that when I was in Yeshiva one of the things that kept me clean was the hope that one day I will get married and it will get somewhat resolved. Now, 15 years later, it feels like they lied to me. Not sure what to do, or if anyone goes through this, I am just venting, so THANK YOU for listening!

breakingthehabit wrote on 09 Aug 2022 18:54:

Keep on venting...we'll keep listening if it helps you.

Trouble mentioned on yesterdays call and I believe Cordnoy mentioned it on this thread as well (either way it's worth reading that thread) about how for some women, their husbands touch was like nails scratchin(g) on a chalkboard and they managed to turn it around. If you want to do more than vent, your welcome to do that as well when your ready.

Thank you so much! I have never been on the calls, how do I join them?

This might come as a shocker to some, but here is my reality. 

I learned (the hard way I should say) that more than the physical pleasure I get from the sexual act, is the emotional pleasure, don't get me wrong, the physical is amazing and I wish every couple to experience it to the max, but even more than that is the unbelievable feeling of connecting with another human being on the deepest levels where nothing else exists between them but hashem, that feeling of oneness is way more satisfying than any physical act, and it lasts way longer. 

I tried achieving  certain physical goals I set for myself in the bedroom and with most of them I failed, but I learned how to focus on the connection and emotional parts, and boy did it pay off, it's way more fulfilling. 

Perhaps, in your matzav it might be worthwhile exploring getting your fulfillment from the emotional rather than the physical.

Just keep in mind that in order to achieve real emotional oneness, one needs to be emotionally sober first. 

breakingthehabit wrote on 09 Aug 2022 20:49:

Here is how you join