Hopeful2022 wrote on 27 Oct 2022 15:47:

So glad the phone arrived. We are looking forward to hearing about you great 10-day experience. Stay strong!!

I just got off the plane from Eretz Israel. Ten days of reconnecting with HaShem, with the land, with the people, and I am proud to say that not only did I stay clean, but I also stayed clean in hotel rooms with unfiltered internet access the entire time. I could say it was a challenge, but it wasn't. it was EASY! Not once after touching down on that sacred soil did I have any urges or anything close to a fall.

All credit goes to HaShem, but I also give the land and its people credit also. Davening at the Kotel, Sitting in the Judean Desert, reading Tehillim in the exact spot that King David wrote them. Being pulled off the street in Tsfat to join a Maariv service, Spending my only Shabbat in Gush Etzion in a community of the most wonderful people that I have ever met. Davening Mincha in the Tomb of the Patriarchs and Matriarchs in Hebron.

Having about 40 people show up after Shabbat dinner to welcome a stranger into their community was something that I will never forget. These are just a few of the highlights of the trip. I could go on and on.

With all of this going on around me, how could I sink into the filth that clouds my life here in America?  I understand that not everyone has the time and resources to run halfway around the world to Israel, But if we try to bring the spirit of the people and the land into our own lives back here, maybe it can help us. Here are a few of my takeaways that I hope to include into my life back here.

1. The Smartphone is gone. I have my Fig Phone up and running. No need to try to Kosher my iPhone with filters that I can easily get around.

2. Find different places and minions to daven with. I have a few choices around my home, but even when I am davening alone, I will do it in different places and times (within the allotted times, of course). I know that I was stuck in a rut with my davening, it was the same thing day after day, and it became a routine, just like P+M became a routine.

3. Distance myself the best I can from people that don't live the life that I want to live. We all have to deal with people we don't like, but just minimize it and replace it with positive people, people that inspire you and do not get you down.

4. This is a weird one, but it is helping me. I am changing my diet. I am not eating the same things I did before my trip. Food stimulates memories for me. The smells and textures of the food remind me of the past, and that is what I am trying to change. This is somewhat like changing how I daven; I am breaking patterns that kept me in the gutter all these years. If you eat the same few things for lunch every day, change it up and try something different. Break old patterns!

5. Get outside!! I don't care where you live or what you do; get outside as much as you can. Breathe in the fresh air and clear your head. If you like, find a good Shuir or audiobook to join you, but however, you have to do it, get outside, away from computers and the negative environment that triggers many of our problems.

6. Kick up Shabbat observance. I obviously don't know what all of you do to honor Shabbat, but find something in your observance and do a little more, a little "extra." I know that I can do a LOT MORE, but maybe you only have to do a little something, but wherever you are at, find something and add it to your observance.

I am about 12 days clean and never felt better. I am bringing the land of Israel, the Land Given to the Jews by HaShem, back home into my life. I have many other suggestions that I may share later on, but as I am only 12 days clean, I do not feel I am qualified to give too much advice.

HaShem brought me to Israel and back home again, and part of that reason is to help people that can't physically get there themselves.

Boker Tov and Shabbat Shalom 

  

Hopeful2022 wrote on 11 Nov 2022 11:00:

From the battle of the generation chapter 37 page 293 regarding those times that we feel successful in this struggle-

Instead of thinking we will always feel as we do now, we must continue strengthening ourselves.  Because we will be challenged and will want to give in, we work now to stop those urges from happening and to be ready to overcome them if they start.  We can’t be complacent or lazy.  We cannot think that because we shield ourselves and because we got rid of our internet access, we are done.  We can’t think that because we don’t feel any desires now and haven’t for a while, that means we won’t be challenged. Rather, we must constantly review and strengthen what we have worked on.  This will help us win our battles and achieve greatness. 

I am not taking a victory lap, I understand that every day is a challenge, and we have to be prepared to fight every single day. Having said that, I am on day 14 without the slightest urge, and each day, I am feeling stronger.

Eretz Israel has set me up like never before to fight this battle.

You are an inspiration to us all! 
Im sure this wasnt your first time in Israel but im betting that you experianced this time much more then before. 
If im correct, then ask yourself why is that? what changed? the answer is that you are fighting your YH now, you are one of HaShems foot soldiers! And He sees your struggles, i promise you he feels them! So He wanted you to get a little taste of what holiness feels so now you have a much bigger craving then P and M..... He gave you just a tiny taste of what it means to be holy and now you know what you really want! You can get to that place of holiness and spirituality right here! In your home, in your shul! HaShem is everywhere. 
Now you know what to strive for. 
And you shall be to me a royal priesthood and a holy nation!

It was not my first trip, but it was totally different this time. I was actively fighting the YH and like you said, HaShem gave me a taste of what life could and should be like. The battle continues, but I have never felt so equipped to take on this fight.

The power of the land is indescribable!

Thank you for the kind words and encouragement 

yeah brother just pick yourself up. as long as you staying down yetzer got you. that was his main reason: to keep you down now for as long as possible. i know it’s sounds trivial and you feeling really bad but shake yourself up immediately believe me i’ve there soooo many times. i discovered the faster i get back to fight i’m fighting harder. chat with HKBH have a glass of whiskey in the evening then sleep and tomorrow morning when you wake up tell yourself: today is the first day of the rest of my life  and go with roar

It has been a few more days. Days of work in an unfiltered world. My new Fig Phone is securely in my pocket. I am still basking in the glow of Eretz Israel. I was in an elevator the other day, and a scantily dressed young woman stepped in. She nodded hello, and I did the same, but instead of trying to catch a glance through the mirrored walls or make some small talk, I just lowered my head and kept it there for the short ride up a few floors, and that was it. I got off and went about my day. That little victory fueled the rest of my day. I felt comfortable and in control. Control is something that always eluded me in my struggles with P+M. I always felt the YH was controlling my actions, not myself.

I am embracing the small victories more and more every day.  

It has been a few more days. Days of work in an unfiltered world. My new Fig Phone is securely in my pocket. I am still basking in the glow of Eretz Israel. I was in an elevator the other day, and a scantily dressed young woman stepped in. She nodded hello, and I did the same, but instead of trying to catch a glance through the mirrored walls or make some small talk, I just lowered my head and kept it there for the short ride up a few floors, and that was it. I got off and went about my day. That little victory fueled the rest of my day. I felt comfortable and in control. Control is something that always eluded me in my struggles with P+M. I always felt the YH was controlling my actions, not myself.



I am embracing the small victories more and more every day.  Hero!!!

Had my first truly hard test, and unfortunately, I failed. It was unlike in the past when the YH convinced me it was "ok, to look." This was different. Going about my day and was just overcome with lustful and filthy thoughts. I didn't use my phone, didn't use my computer, or see a pretty girl on the street. I have been passing those tests easily recently. The YH had to attack differently. He went straight into my mind and flooded me with thoughts and ideas. I was shocked by the sudden and powerful attack. I went home and failed without a phone or computer. Just my mind and my thoughts.

It taught me that Technology and Computers are just part of the problem. The mind can be a powerful source of filth in this world, and we need to protect and cultivate it. Back to day one, I am still very proud of my accomplishments and where I am today. Every clean day is a good day, and while the streak is back to day one, I am still clean for almost a month now, and that I am proud of.

Hopeful2022 wrote on 20 Nov 2022 11:05:

Remember that one fall does not negate the progress of the past. Your almost 30 clean days before the fall are awesome and you can and will surpass that. Each clean day is a win. Each fall is a lesson to be learned, internalized and then put aside so we can get up and move ahead. You are doing great! 

Wow I am truly inspired! I have not been posting, but I notice how great you have become as a result of your posts. I may have just hit 91 days today but I am not as great as I should be, thank you for your genuine posts. I will aim to start posting my journey of Taavah BEH BN.
Behatzlacha!

Hopeful2022 wrote on 20 Nov 2022 11:05:

Dear hopefully! Please celebrate BIG TIME what you accomplished till now … You thank H’ you got 30 days clean and ask him to help you pass it this time… and you should know even though you fell but at least you didn’t see anything like you didn’t use technology etc for bad… it bad to fall but it’s much much worse to do with seeing etc. 
btw I’m amazed at your strong כח! How you just got up and are fresh as anything! Keep it up and looking forward congratulating you on your day 90!! Bhy!

Waking up this morning feeling good. Had my first fall in almost a month and picked myself up from it, dusted myself off and taking on the challenges of today. I am starting to learn how the YH works on me. He may sneak attack like he did the other day and caught me off guard, other times he will be more subtle about it and have me bump into a women in a store or subway and catch her smell or see a revealing ad at the bus station or something that will trigger me. 

Today, I feel he is attacking my complacency. I said to myself that the Fig Phone is a pain in the neck. I "need" to do certain things on my iPhone that the Fig Phone can't do. I am trying to convince myself that I can handle my smartphone again. I know that I can't. I have been down that road 100 times. This is just the YH attacking from a different angle.

​From the lessons learned on GYE to just the lessons that life has taught me, I know that my focus has to be on recognizing the methods of the YH and fight them one at a time. Today I am fighting the urge to grab my iPhone out of the drawer, maybe today is the day I should sell it and take that potential trigger away!

It is really great to have this resource to vent about this. I still have no one in my life that I can discuss this with. and maybe someday I will be allowed back into the chat! 

It would be advisable to keep a separate cheshbon of days clean from pornography. The accomplishment of not purposely accessing filth and using technology to objectify women is a goal in and of itself. It is cause for celebration that despite being very triggered, you avoided heading down that road. In addition, often when one is clean for an extended period of time and then unfortunately falls, there is a tendency to "hide" and act out numerous times - the "throw in the towel" binge mentality. The fact that you immediately admitted to the fall, and then got up and moved on, is another very positive aspect of this story. Continued hatzlocha buddy. It's fellows like you that b'ezras Hashem graduate and remain here to help others.