Yesterday I had a fall after being clean for 14 days and it was very depressing, so I decided I will write down how I felt and this is what I got (I'm not the best writer) and would love ur imput

Yesterday my friend/enemy came to me and started talking some really interesting/stupid things, me and this friend have a love/hate relationship, and let me explain this, I’m a twin – I am really 2 people normal/crazy-  good /bad  - frum/sheigetz  and whenever this friend comes he likes to talk only to part of me, until the other part of me is not very happy so he tries to fight but after a while he gets tired and he just goes sleep, now what happens after that is, I stand on my two feet and my friend just magically carries me into another world, which is called fantasy world, and when I’m in that world/hell -  I don’t see anything around me I don’t know what going on anywhere, and all of sudden I get strength that I never knew I had and I can go hours in this world/hell with no eating no drinking no working just focusing until …. After that I magically find myself standing at the same place I left off. But then the other me wakes UP and I’m DOWN.

 To be continued

thanks for posting. You are definitely normal, frum and good! the yetzer hora speaks to you using your own voice so that you think that the crazy bad sheigitz is you! It is most definitely not. never was and never will be...

lets see what others have to say about this...

Steveblum wrote on 13 Jul 2022 01:46:

Know the feeling…I and probably most people on the site have been there before too many times. You just gotta get back up and keep fighting!! You will be able to break free!! Hatzlacha rabah on your journey and keep posting!!

I like this post alot. Great awareness of your inner world. We all have different parts to ourselves, and there are many therapy models based on this. 

And based on this theory of our friend/enemy pulling us into a different world  - helped answer a question I had for a long time.
 Here is the question
1. Is it better to start healing slowly like we find in chazal תפסת מרובה לא תפסתso I would say to myself I will stop looking at po*n but I would still have access to all my other social media (that at times is not any different then po*n) and slowly I would get used to not watching and then I would take it to the next level.
Or option 2. Is to be dry dry completely from anything that could bring or maybe lead to something not good. 

I alwad had this fight within me, and I always picked the first option, and I used to say to myself " u have to start slow u can't bite more then u can chew, and u will slowly get used not looking etc. 

But let me tell u friends " option 1 doesn't work" bcs once your friend/ enemy takes u to that other world/hell then u are over.. 

Steveblum wrote on 17 Jul 2022 17:21:

Exactly !!!

I think that when your mind is still looking for that beautiful…. And you still get it from looking at…. Then it makes it very hard because when you think about it and you lust you become very aroused etc. and you just feel like….

And it makes it very hard not to watch porn, because you still crave It, and got hyped up from the other stuff to watch porn, because over there You can get it at its full

So I would suggest try not to look, try to avoid triggering places etc.

Hatzlacha !!!

But in the same time remember to count your victories, תפסת מרובה לא תפסת

Don’t think but I really wanted to be already….

Ha ha that's true !! It's hard to count the victories bcs we think it's either all of nothing 

Something to consider under "not bite off more than you can chew" is that the statement still applies. But instead of only waging half a battle against the yetzer it could mean focusing your energy on this struggle and maybe allowing yourself to de-emphasize some other areas you're trying to grow in/working on. For example, potentially making time to exercise when urges come if that's helpful for you.

Personally, I've found this focusing approach very helpful. For me it also helps to have an internal dialogue saying this is what Hashem wants me to focus on.