I took upon myself not to masturbate for a month as I used to all the time and I told myself that I know I have it in me to do it and I will do it. Bh I held strong for 2 weeks but last night I fell, I got up this morning and told myself I had a fall, next time I will be better and stronger, I’m restarting my kabalah and this time I will be stronger then ever!!!

Ty face the challenge for your inspiration 

Just letting the oilam know that there is a program going around during bein hazmanim to learn through the ’vehaer eineinu’ book for 5 minutes a day with the goal to get through the book one time between tisha b’av and Rosh Chodesh Elul. There are going to be daily raffles for $200 (x21) and weekly raffles for $1000 (x3). I think that it’s a great idea to do this program during bein hazmanim because we all need an extra shmira when we are off and this is not very time consuming.

So, bein hazmanim has arrived. I’ve never survived a full bein hazmanim over the last 15 years or so and with g-d’s help this one will not be the same! I hope to pass this bein hazmanim with flying colors. One of the things that im going to try to do is post often about my situation so that I don’t let my guard down. For now, day one has passed and on to day two tomorrow!
-ftc

I heard a great shiur today from r’ Avi bensoussan that i think many people on this site would benefit tremendously from listening to it (https://www.torahanytime.com/#/lectures?v=199381). It’s only about 15 minutes, but i think it’s well worth it… If you like the shiur and think that it’s worth it for other people to listen, then please help spread it along!

As far as bein hazmanim is going…today i went out on a bike ride to get some exercise. I found it really hard to go anywhere that is clean because it’s the summer time so many other people are also exercising and not dressed very tzniusly. It was very triggering, especially after being ‘locked up’ in yeshiva for a few months. Im not really sure what I should do about that. I’d love to hear suggestions because in-house exercise isn’t gonna cut it for me. But besides for that, today has been great so far.
-ftc

Wow thanks so much for sharing it’s really helpful to see people going through similar struggles. I too have been struggling since middle school and committed to stopping more times then I could count

yeshivaguysneedssupport wrote on 02 Aug 2022 16:53:

Well, welcome to the team!! Be’ezrat hashem you will get acquainted with the site and the people here and you will see that youwill be able to break free!! There are many of us who went through all the same struggles as you and we know exactly what it feels like so don’t hesitate to reach out if you have any questions. Wishing you hatzlacha and siyata dishmaya!!

Day three passed without any major problems, but i must admit that the Summer is just plain tough )-:  no matter where I go there’s so much pritzus… I feel like there only way too avoid these women who are major triggers is to just stay home or go to the beis medrash which is right near my home but that’s not really a feasible summer plan. I gotta figure something out. On a different note I just want to say thank you to those who reached out to me privately. The chizuk that i got from you guys was amazing!!
-ftc

Day four passed. I was supervising an event today that someone forgot to download a video for, and one of the other members there suggested that I just search up the video on YouTube…I told him “sorry, i don’t go on YouTube” and thankfully he didn’t say anything to me (btw he wasn’t Jewish so he probably thought i was a complete nut(-: ) Anyway, i ‘accidentally’ peaked at the screen while he was looking up the video, and i quickly remembered why i have a kabala to not go on YouTube for any reason, period. There are the worst images there right on the homepage. It’s not like you have to search for it. I turned away immediately and thankfully didn’t look back.

As far as exercise today, I found another spot which was quieter but I think that avoiding immodestly dressed women on the streets is straight up impossible. There is no kosher solution on that end. I think I’m gonna restrict my exercise to swimming in a mens only pool or find a gym with mens only hours… I don’t think there’s any other way to avoid it. It’s one thing if i see for a second while im driving on the way to a kosher gym. It’s another if im with them on the streets and constantly am challenged. I guess my challenge for the summer is to not just do things the way i want. It will be inconvenient and cost money, but i don’t see any other way. I’m just to sensitive to how how the way women “dress” (or lack there of) to do anything else. It’s so frustrating!! I just want to be able to live in a normal world and walk outside without being plagued by all the promiscuity of our generation.

In addition to all of that, my social life sucks right now. I barely have any interaction with other people throughout the day and im missing that more and more. I wish i had gone to camp somewhere or figured out something more concrete to do. Can’t wait for Elul zman to start, and ill be able to immerse myself back in yeshiva. 

Anyway sorry about the rant, it’s just been getting harder and harder as the summer goes on. Hope the next post will be more positive.
-ftc

Your Huge!!

Unfortunately, we live in a very morally decayed world right now. 
the world is so low that Hashem will need to take us out soon because it can’t get much worse then it is.
just know that everyone has the same problems, it’s just that some guys don’t care looking and fantasizing and some like us don’t want to be nichshol. But the struggle is real.
I once heard a story with the Bies Yisroel or Gur ZT’L. It was during the times that frum Yiden were fighting that the buses should have separate seating for men and ladies, and this Israeli member of parliament asked the Rabbi “ I don’t understand what’s wrong with you guys! We go swimming with women and nothing happens, and you guys can’t sit on a bus together without getting bad thoughts? What’s wrong with you! 
so the rabbi answered “you see these little Arab boys going around barefoot on the boiling asphalt and sand and nothing happens, your kids can’t do that, are you telling me that the Arab boy is more developed? Of course not! It’s just that he’s feet has such thick skin from walking on them so long and abusing them he doesnt feel anything anymore, 
same thing here, we still have a Neshama and a Heart to Hashem that wants purity and it bothers us to see improper sights, your heart and soul is so corrupt that you don’t feel anything! 
so keep fighting! The only other option is surrender and we don’t do that!!!

Sunday, August 7 (fast of Tisha B’Av)

Morning: I’m lying on my bed after a fast paced shachris (starting at 10:30) in my room biyichidus in which I basically skipped all of davening… Last night I fell right back into my old habits. It was a few hours of watching and then climaxed. This was after being clean for about 120 days. It makes me question myself. Am I really changing or do I just not have ‎the opportunity to act out when I’m in yeshiva the same way I do when I’m home. I don’t even feel that guilty which is a pretty bad feeling seeing that this is one of the worst aveiros and if I keep it up then it will impact me extremely negatively now and if and when I get married…
Last week was the first week of bein hazmanim. The schedule that i had made kind of fell through. I ended up not having a chavrusa in the morning, so i was learning by myself until about 1:00 in the afternoon. Almost none of my friends are home, so I don’t have anyone to hang out with in the afternoon. And one of the plans that I had for the afternoons was to do exercise (i.e. long bike rides) but i found that i just kept getting triggered by all the other women exercising. 
I was bored throughout the day and didn’t have much of a social life. My resolve for not looking at women on the street was greatly weakened. Throughout the week I looked to long to many times and my desire started to take hold of me. I went on a hike and ended up in a spot next to a lake and lo and behold right there in front of me were two guys and a girl going off a Tarzan rope. The girl was dressed as most goyish girls dress when swimming which is basically nothing and I know for certain that I looked back way to many times… I slipped on Thursday night by looking at non tznius women. It wasn’t porn, but it was getting close. I stopped looking after about two minutes but my taavah was so strong then. It was a few hours of fighting but I managed to go to the beis medrash to learn and fight off the yetzer hara. That was really hard but I felt accomplished after I was done.
Friday was pretty regular, but I kept going on to gye for to long and reading about things that I shouldn’t be. In short I was using gye as an unhealthy outlet. This was definitely a big part in my resolve getting weakened and im going to figure out a way to have a healthy balance of when to go on to gye and when not to. I was definitely trading in one addiction for another. (Not to say that a gye addiction is as bad as a porn addiction, but any addiction is not healthy…)
Shabbos came around, I remembered a video I saw a long time ago and I spent many hours trying to recreate the scene in my head even though that’s totally asur and i knew it was wrong. I should have gone to the beis medrash but I had no desire to get out of bed. I fell in my bed in the afternoon. Wasn’t as bad as my other falls but a fall nonetheless. Motzei shabbat came along and went to shul to hear eicha. Wasn’t really paying attention to any of it and was totally emotionally cut off. Came back home, took the phone that I knew we had in  a drawer in the kitchen up to my room which I knew meant I was gonna fall, but that didn’t stop me. I started with watching some Tisha B’Av inspiration videos but quickly started searching for that video that I had remembered seeing so many years ago. In short I found it, and then I found many other videos that I wanted to watch. All of that leading to a big fall. Damn it. It’s Tisha B’Av fast and I’m still in the narishkeit that I used to be. What is my life going to turn out like. I was able to go 120 days very clean but there’s zero outlet for our urges. What’s a guy to do when every girl he sees is gonna trigger him especially because they all wear basically nothing. At least someone married has an outlet with his wife. But I know that everyone says it doesn’t change when you get married so I have to figure myself out better… I’m committing to reading a chapter of the battle of the generation every night for the foreseeable future (at least through next bein hazmanim) and I’m starting another round of 90 days beginning today. I also got rid of the unfiltered phone, hopefully no one will find out or ask any questions. Tomorrow I’m signing up to a private exercise area so that i will be able to go there in the afternoons and do as i want without fear of getting triggered. If anyone has any further advice, I welcome all of it.  This is going to be a tough time for the next few weeks but I’m gonna try and do my best.

Ps. It was really hard for me to post this. I would much rather not tell everyone about my failures but I’ve seen other people post about their falls and gain a lot of chizuk from it, plus it can give chizuk to others… if anyone gets chizuk from this to not fall in the future, then it’s well worth it and i appreciate all chizuk that people give.
-ftc

Thank you for sharing this poignant post. You are a tzadik. 120 days of success and one fall. You are a tzadik. Period.

Try to gather your emotions and keep going from where you left off. You asked, "Am I really changing?" Yes, you are.

Tarzan girl will be eaten by maggots in a couple decades while you rejoice in oilam haba after 120 years for eternity for doing ratzon Hashem.

You are great. These immoral girls that are מכשיל you are the scum of the earth. Develop in yourself a disgust for them and everything they stand for and the battle can get easier.

Please keep sharing your posts. They are an inspiration to the whole community.

Face the challenge, your post is full of gadlus. Keep on inspiring.

The pain that comes through with your words is felt, I have not had a clean 120 days in 10 years and I can't know what falling after must feel like. I also see courage, I see the will to fight, I see you taking stock of what happened and making changes and that is inspirational.
I recently had a big breakthrough and have been clean for a long time Baruch Hashem, I started dating and all the cravings started coming back. I had a thought, if I see someone attractive on the street and then I am triggered, imagine what it will be like to have a wife that I am attracted to and see every day for hours on end, how much more difficult that aspect will be.