bochur23 wrote on 30 Nov 2022 05:08:

Helloooooooo, I don't hear you bud, don't focus too much on your fail and be sad and depressed and let get to you. GO VIYTAR please, I want to hear from you, I am really rooting for you I know you can do this, and although yes it is hard, maybe to get ppast the sadness if you're going through any is to speak to someone (even me) I don't bite, but seriouslly like the "staple's have a button called- 'THAT WAS EASY'" You got to enable yourself to get a button called the "VIYTAR BUTTON". It's geshmak really, you can go on with yourlife and plug again be mechazek and stay strong, you give yourself a few assessments and that's it. If it's putting you down then there is no TOELES, and you should stop. Just go VIYTAR my friend.

It could be you have I am just hoping to hear an encouraging next drive for you to pull through anew.
Bhatzlacha with much ahava!
Emes-a-yid

Sorry, sorry... I have a life, I can't always sit down to write up what I want ... Usually I'm busy until after lights out for the bochurim.

I'm not depressed Chas Vshalom. I moved on. Today was actually a better day for the last while. Because the 30 days were clean from porn, but not from masturbation. Today I was completely clean Boruch Hashem.

I haven't been posting consistently since I got here, because I'm trying not to focus on it too much. I anyways don't have a constant Nisayon while I'm here, so why should I actively think about it (don't worry, I won't completely forget )
*

Really, I'm not sure what my goal was/is to know what's a fall. Am I aiming to be clean for 90 days? Forever? Am I trying to reach a certain accomplishment?

I think I need to start focusing on one day at a time, literally - not one day of a 90 day goal, or of any goal. Rather the one day is the goal.

A bit אותיות פורחות, but these are my unorganized thoughts right now...

bochur23 wrote on 01 Dec 2022 06:00:

-First, my appologies, I only meant good, in case something were up do to your last post. But I was clearly wrong, sorry, and don't mind what I said if if it made it bring that you were depressed, because obviously I was wrong.
-Second, chazak very excited about you're day how you were doing great keep it up!! Very proud to hear.
-Third, If that's you so be it, whatever your mehalech is, wishing you the most hazlacha rabah with lots of ahavah
-Forth, that sounds like a great strategy, 1 day at a time, what people sometimes do on top of thinking of one day at a time only, they as well focus a "long Term goal" however their main focus would be on day at a time, because it is a struggle like you said earlier when in middle to feel you are doing so good and end up getting beaten over the head by the yetser hara.
You should have Lots of simcha only!

If you received an invitation from the mashpia to speak to him, go for it. We can assume he feels confident and has helped other guys. Speaking to someone is what saved me. Hatzlocha buddy. 

So I had an interesting few days since I fell on Tuesday night. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Shabbos were all completely clean Boruch Hashem. Motzoei Shabbos and today in the morning I pushed and found some more loopholes on apps (including very Jewish ones)... So now I have no notepad, music and (most) learning apps on my phone... (It's almost going back to being just a phone:joy:)

I started the flight to freedom program (again...), And I did the first unit/week over the last couple of days. My main takeaway was the "debunking myths" lesson. Although I knew it already, but I needed that reminder... Another thing is that in the "stages of change" I guess for now I would put myself between the contemplation and preparation stages (or more accurately, stuck in the preparation stage). I hope to do the next unit over the next few days IYH.

Your reslience and dedication is the stuff of heroes. Continued hatzlocha!

A little update about where I'm holding. So far I'm clean since Monday, Boruch Hashem.

On Monday and Tuesday I did the second unit/week of the flight to freedom program about the CURE tracker, so officially I need to track my urges for at least a week to see a pattern. I'm going to continue doing that, although in my situation I don't think I'll learn anything.

Meanwhile I looked at the cue analyzer PDF, it has a list of specific external and internal cues. Based on my experience, the only cue that I'm aware of is external, from any unfiltered device being accessible. It's not specifically when I'm upset/sad/tired/bored etc. I don't think it's from external triggers from my surroundings (seeing or hearing something etc), but I'll need to check into that.

So the only CURE cycle I'm aware of now is: cue - unfiltered device, urge intensity and duration - keeps getting stronger for as long as it's available, response - (almost) always end up falling, effect - feel disappointed for messing up again.

I think I'm going to continue to the next unit/week, but continue tracking any urges.

reading some of your posts and blown away. you are making Hashem so proud! Keep it up, my friend! And keep up with that mashpia, it's what holds us in place. Rooting for you!

So I did the flight training unit/week (I started a couple of days ago, but the last couple of days were very busy, so I didn't finish until now). Here are my observations:

He brings examples of minimizing cues like not using devices after a certain time or certain devices etc. Minimizing cues rewires the brain, because over time your brain creates new "bundles" how to respond to your cues. But I'm not sure how to apply that when the cue is the availability of unfiltered devices itself, because however much I minimize the access I'm not creating a new "bundle" of how I respond when I do have unfiltered devices available.

He brings up another point that I really need to start doing. Before he starts explaining the different urge management techniques he says that's when we're having a urge sometimes we're on autopilot, so the techniques won't help. First I need to tell myself "Stop! I'm having an urge, but I don't need to fall". I think this is where a lot of my problem is, that's whatever plans I make don't work because when I'm having an urge I'm not thinking. This is part of why I am still stuck at the "preparation" stage.
As a continuation to that, by the different "Escape" strategies, I didn't think that "Distract" or "Goodbye" would work in my situation because they never did, but maybe by first stopping and acknowledging the urge they would work. Also it depends what the situation is. If it's just temporary access to an unfiltered device then escape strategies can work. But if it's a loophole on my device (for example) escape won't really work because I'll still have the issue when I come back.

In the "Resist" strategies, I don't think the "Check your compass" will work for me. Regarding the "Find the fox" or "Countering self-talk", I don't think it'll work if it's just a "make believe" game and I'm not taking it seriously. So I'll see if I can do it.

In the "Stay calm" strategies, "Urge surfing" sounds really interesting. I've seen it before on GYE, but it sounded really weird to me. I just listened to the recording, and I realized that I didn't understand what it was (the name is a bit misleading, I would've called it urge analyzing). I'm going to try it out next time and see how it goes.
I have the same issue with "Coping statements" as I have with "Find the fox" and "Countering self-talk". "SOBER" sounds to me like an expanded urge surfing technique.

My previous post got too long, that I forgot to write my plan going forward:

IYH, based on what I've learned I'm going to write up a plan. My goal is to have it ready by Motzoei Shabbos - before Chanukah.

My first real challenge is going to be over the Chanukah break. BH the Yeshiva only gives 4½ days, and (as a Lubavitcher) I'll be busy Chanukah Mivtzoim in the evenings. But that's going to be the first test to my plan.

Ok, so I have my (current) plan ready. Some of it is the same as before, some of it is new. IYH, it'll work.

Dealing with Cues / Triggers


Dealing with Urges


Any and all feedback welcome (positive, constructive, critical...)

A Freilichen Chanukah!

I can only think of positive things to say, like WOW! You are amazing! You never give up, you keep trying, you keep analyzing your urges and your struggles, you keep trying to find the ideas that will work to keep you in a good place...you make me proud, so I could only imagine how proud Hashem is, that He has this precious child down here, with so many tests and challenges, and he tries his best to make his Father proud. Keep trucking, my dear friend!

Half my plan worked for the most part, I kept myself busy and far away from my cue - unfiltered devices. The other half didn't really, the night before I left back to Yeshiva I fell with an unfiltered device - without trying any of my urge management strategies.

Does this strategy not work for me, or do I need to practice it more? (Boruch Hashem) I don't get enough opportunities to test it out... So for now I'm going to stick with it for another while. Any advice for this detail is welcome.

In the bigger picture, it's a now over two months since I came to this Yeshiva. During these 60 days I've fallen 6 times (2 of them when I wasn't in Yeshiva). Definitely better than before, but I don't think/feel that I've gotten healthier during this time (granted, that wasn't my goal - I was mainly trying to make "breathing space" to be able to think clearly about this issue).

I have another month before my parents start nudging me about shidduchim again, and I'm not getting younger (ok, ok, I'm not such an old man ). But I'm terrified to start dating with this issue. (I think this is also causing another issue, that I don't even let myself think about what I want from myself, and what type of person I want to marry. Any bochurim on here relate to this?)

bochur23 wrote on 29 Dec 2022 03:18:

Yep. Couldn't think about any of life when I was constantly fighting

bochur23 wrote on 29 Dec 2022 03:18:

Yup…