Human being wrote on 13 Dec 2022 09:19:

I feel you buddy, great commitment, I want to do the same but afraid, it's a bit hard, I will try and figure out something else, and also get the deserving prize of a delicious fresh sushi, thanks!
I bh am doing great, just I know when those times has happened it sucks, like 100% you are not you at that time, and have to break into yourself and tap in the moment to try and ch"s VH"LM in the action of searching and looking.... why do we go there- we can try to think logical and just work around it like your limitaion, I truly hear you, hatzlacha.

Human being wrote on 23 Nov 2022 18:26:

Summer came a bit early here on the east coast. Continuing my climb bh.

I am dissociative. I previously thought i had 2 different states. "in the summer" and "in the winter" (because of certain circumstances i would feel like a totally different person.in summer and winter) my winter me learned how to avoid porn. My summer me did not. Turns out that it has nothing to do with the summer itrself, but rather a certain set of circumstances the summer has. Yet if these circumstances were there in the winter  then i can still feel the way i usualy do in the summer. way. Anyways. I am now feeling like im in the summer. And i have no handle on porn.

Day 110

Human being wrote on 16 Dec 2022 21:00:

Hi HB,

Sorry to hear.
I hope you have the strength to move on from the fall.

Wishing you well.

Afreilechen Chanukah

Human being wrote on 16 Dec 2022 21:00:

A gut vuch!! 
What’s up with 110???? I feel there too…
dear hb please get up and teach us all how a human being is spouse to get up after a fall!!
Love ya!!!

Zedj wrote on 18 Dec 2022 01:49:

1) - I threw out the smartphone I bought for a day, which cost a total of $70. Bh I throw out my $70 purchase every time I buy a smartphone because I don't buy it out of "moreh heter" but rather out of pure fear. And I'm happy that no matter how much it costs, I'm willing to throw it out when I'm "over-porned/over-masturbated. That was some experience. I vaped 'delta 10' which is supposed to be less strong then 'delta 8' (I've vaped delta 8 before and it had a very low affect mentally) so i decided to try 'delta 10' which is supposed to be less strong. Anyways, it turns out that it is way stronger for me, it totally messed with my brain. i had no control over my body. I was totally disconnected from my body and disassociated. (depersonalized) 

Anyways I ended up buying a smartphone in that situation from the fear of the situation. I masturbated 5 times in a few hours, and watched porn like 5 times too.

2) -I've come to accept the part of me that wants to watch porn (and sometimes falls too) And I'm not upset at all. I actually feel bad for that part of me that feels so unsafe, he's willing to watch something he understands is a fraud, scam and empty, just to feel safe for 6 minutes. I'm ready as always to continue!

3) -On an interesting note, since I was disassociated and not really in control and not really in control of my decisions due to being disconnected from my body and in total fear, I don't feel like i watched porn or masturbated. For all i care/know I'm on day 111. I guess that's a benefit of being dissociative

.4) On the day 113!!!

116. Thank you Hashem. Ever since ive been -de-addicted- life has been so much more pleasant, and so much more authentic.

117

118

120

121

122. i did 3 hours of sexual browsing and I'm logging off mu computer at 3:08 AM. I'm so upset. Im going to reaffirm my commitment to stay away from the computer at night. So frustrating to fail though. i feel like such a failure. Freaken on my computer till damn 3:09 AM now. Ok i have to work on accepting the part of myself that had a lot of anxiety and needed to escape to browsing and browsing and ......................browsing. Good night Y'all

123 No computer tonight. Thank god ill get some sleep

I fell for real for the first time in 124 days. I'm down right now. Quite down indeed. I know how it happened but i dont have any answer to make sure its not going to happen again. My chavrusa isn't being consistent, and i am unable to learn myself. I then do things that are at best time consumers, at worst, are unproductive and make me lazy, lethargic and feel really empty and like garbage. 

I want to learn I wish i was able to learn by myself. Unfortunately im currently unable. 

Hashem really set up a heavy nisayon today. i was feeling empty and unfulfilled, gross, and feeling down about everything since i want to learn myself but i am unable. Which makes me feel really sad.  Then, after spending the first 10 hours of my day feeling empty and not doing anything productive, i go to my "computer place" which has a filter and is in public. Lo and behold the filter wasn't working and almost no-one was around. So frustrating. Im thinking about taking a computer break for 2 weeks now. I'm so sad right now.

Human being wrote on 02 Jan 2023 03:27:

Try not to be too sad or dwell on it. You have been doing great and this doesn’t negate a single moment of all the days that preceded this momentary slip. This is just a minute speck of dust along a 124 day clean road. Chin up, back straight, eyes forward…move on.