Kol hakavod thank you for sharing!

I can feel the pain of that nisayon. It’s so hard when that happens. Your willpower is truly inspiring.

Vehkam wrote on 10 Mar 2022 18:57:

It took another 10 days but my Hulu account is now history.  I don’t have time for it anymore anyway….bh I now have much more productive outlets for my down time. 

147 days since I started my journey.   I finally spoke to “hashem helps me” on the phone.  I am very excited to now have another resource and it meant so much to me when he said to me - you are not going back, we are not going to let you fall.   Just knowing that I have that support makes such a difference at the times when I worry about what will happen if ……..   thank you so much!!

i  also continue to focus on thanking hashem for giving me this gift.  I am nearing the completion of the book the battle of the generation and am looking forward to starting again.  

I just had to post today.  After waiting for the right person for a few months I finally started therapy today.  I was literally crying before the session out of gratitude to hashem for getting me to this place.   

Shout out for all the people on here and behind the scenes that literally saved my life.  

on another note, todays daily boost is a treasure.  

Happy to hear buddy! may he be the right person to help you grow. KOT!

That's awesome Vehkam, really happy for you

as i said tachnun this morning i realized that this was the last tachnun for 30 days!  as we enter nissan we have a unique focus and tachanun is out of the picture for this month.  I was reminded of a vort that i heard, that on pesach the asei tov comes first - before the sur mei'ra.  that is signified by Kadesh first and then u'rchatz.   In nissan we are so focused on our connection to hashem and the positive aspects of that, so the normal focus on vidui involved in saying tachanun is just not on the radar.  i hope this makes sense to anyone reading this.  my point is that Nissan presents an unbelievable opportunity to reconnect to hashem.  Don't get bogged down by what you did or what you are doing that you may not be proud of.  In nissan hashem reminds us that we will always be B'ni B'chori Yisroel.  Just take one (even small) step forward - connect to hashem -  and he will take us out of our personal mitzrayim.  

Have a great shabbos!

For the past 47 days I’ve been reading a chapter of the book of the battle of the generation every night.  Tonight I made my first siyum and tomorrow I will begin the book again.  

I encourage anyone who has not read it (or wants to review it) to join me.  it only takes a few minutes each night.  I prefer the hardcopy that I ordered from Amazon for under $10 but it’s also available for free as a download on this website.  

the book covers this struggle from many angles and is written in a very non-judgmental way.  It is also written very generically without any examples so that the lessons can be applied at all levels.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 04 Feb 2022 12:26:

Update… one of the boys asked me this afternoon where that book was, that he had started reading …

So the weather spiked in nyc today.  When I went out for mincha I realized that there was no good place to rest my eyes while in the street. There was something I wanted to avoid on my left, so I quickly turned to my right, but the view on my right was even worse!!  At first I was a little disheartened- is this what I will have to deal with all summer??  

Then my preparation kicked in and I realized that I didn’t choose these nisyonos- what an amazing opportunity to gain zchusim.  I approached the situation with renewed energy and  literally ran from safe place to safe place being careful to avoid resting my eyes on anything questionable. 

 In the past I would have walked slowly to enjoy the scenery.  I am so grateful to Hillel S. For changing my perspective through his book The Battle of the Generation.   

looking forward to burning a lot more than just bread tomorrow.  

Dear Hashem
There are no words to thank you for these past eight days. The feeling of closeness to you that I experienced each day of yomtov was so much more than at any time I can remember.

Hashem, You provided me with the means and family to have such beautiful and delectable meals. Even though my children are all very different than me, we were able to have hours of thought provoking conversations. We shared many laughs and we inspired each other to be truthful to ourselves. I feel so blessed and can never thank you enough.

As I told my Rav over yomtov, six months ago I began to repair my relationship with you, hashem. Since then you have carried me on this journey. For every step I have taken towards you, you have exponentially more drawn me close to you.

For so many years I did not really talk to you, hashem. I could not imagine that you wanted to hear from me. Especially with all the secret things that I was doing. Obviously I know now that this was a huge mistake. Your love for me is and always has been more than I can imagine. As soon as I turned to you, hashem, it was so obvious that you were there for me all along. I am so sorry for all the pain I caused by not turning to you.

The feeling of living a life that is “real” is indescribable. In my conversations with my children I knew where I stood in my own mind. I was no longer confused as to who I am. . And when we discussed the purpose of life to become close hashem it no longer felt like empty talk on my end. And when they responded to me, it was obvious that the feelings I had were penetrating their thoughts as well.

Hashem this yomtov will always be etched in my heart. Zecher l’yetzias mitzraim has so much additional meaning now. Each shemona esrai was a treat. A chance to speak to my king my father one on one. (Even on the day that I got distracted and missed yaaleh ‘v’yova - , although I felt bad that I missed it, there was a part of me that was excited to be able to spend another mincha together. I am not sure if this is a proper perspective but it is how I really felt. )

Hashem, you know that these feelings that I am writing are true from the depths of my heart. I beseech you and I plead with you, please continue to lead me in this path. May the growth in the next six months mirror the growth of these past six. I know that I have more work to do. Please continue to carry me with the incredible love and patience that you have shown me.

I am humbled to be allowed in your presence and pray with all my heard that my deeds will find favor and bring joy to you -my dear and merciful father.

With the utmost respect and reverence,
Your son and servant
Vehkam

Beautiful, touching, thanks for sharing.

Wow - thanks for inspiring me. I'll try to keep those thoughts in mind, thank you!

This brought a tear to my eye. Keep on shteiging!
I am so inspired by my fellow yidden!